Elmo and Barbie Better DaysFollowing on the heels of Bulemic Barbie's rehab, Mattel is dealing with a seriously diseased Elmo.  Apparently Elmo has ingested large quantities of lead, leaving him partially mentally retarded.

Reports are that Elmo is no longer able to count to ten with confidence and has in fact forgotten the alphabet altogether.  On a recent episode of Seseme Street, Elmo was supposed to let the audience know that the show had been brought to them by the letter "W" but Elmo froze on screen and stuttered that he couldn't read the cue card. The Count simply shook his head yesterday when asked about a skit with he and Elmo counting baby chicks that went awry.

Elmo's on again off again girlfriend Barbie stated that "Like, he's in really bad shape.  He feels way bad that he's letting the kids down.  And like there's really very little the doctors can do to reverse the damage.  But, like everybody's get well wishs for Elmo are totally appreciated though."

This affliction apparently has roots in Elmo's last trip to China where he consumed exotic foods and tried various herbal medicines designed to fight off puberty for another year and keep his voice high pitched.  Another theory was that he had an adverse reaction to possibly lead-based paint used during a celebrity "rehab a shanty" charity outing along the Yangtze River in China.  The river is known to have pollution problems as well and the toxicity may have simply overwhelmed Elmo's permeable fabric skin and plush insides.

Elmo's direct employer Fischer-Price (a Mattel subsidiary) is reluctant to assign blame to the Chinese, however, other stars, including Cookie Monster, the Grouch and Dora the Explorer recently canceled trips to the country.  A Mattel spokesman discussed the situation with Real Wisconsin News on Friday, stating that, "The whole company is behind Elmo.  His condition is a freak occurance.  It couldn't be foreseen that working with people who don't honor contracts, have no regard for other people's safety, steal pretty much everything they can and have little rule of law might create any unusual risks.  On a brighter note, Elmo has stopped maturing completely now, so he'll be able to at least sing Elmo's song, which he hasn't forgotten, in his beloved Falsetto.  Now please excuse me, we're having a little problem with toy cars and Barbie's dog's crap."

Sunday, February 25, 2018 12830
Plans for new schools will be adopted all over the nation in response to President Trump’s suggestion that they be more secure. The new schools will ensure that students are able to learn without fear of being targeted by fellow students with assault rifles. These schools will be able to protect students in an environment conducive to learning. However, the added security will come at a cost. Fort Trump High School Old schools will be retrofitted and new schools will be built to the following specifications: The Keep--This is where the school office will be located. It’s the tallest and strongest tower. Armed guards will have a view in all directions from here. If all else fails, all students can retreat to the keep. The Moat--Water surrounding the school in order to make sure only authorized personnel are allowed in or out. The Towers--Each school should have at least four towers, but these should be rounded so that invading gunmen can’t knock them down by the foundation. These towers will provide an excellent vantage point for archers. As a side note, archery will be taught as a gym class as an important life skill and as a way to man the towers with students. The Gatehouse--A single, fortified entryway will be designed into every school. The drawbridge will be lowered at the beginning of the school day and up until the start of classes, at which point the structure will be sealed for the day. The Barbican--This passageway will lead to the gatehouse, but any gunmen trapped in here can be doused with boiling oil or other traps. The Great Hall--This is where all of the learning will occur. Most schools will divide this space into classrooms, but confining all students in one central location helps to keep them safer, since the hall will have several armed law enforcement officers. Weaponry It’s recommended that the modern American high school be armed in a way that can thwart an assault by any deranged individual with a military-grade assault equipment. This includes miniguns, Katanas, black powder cannons, crossbows, grenade launchers, nunchucks, spearguns, chain whips, and AR-15s. All legal for perpetrators. Therefore, the armed guards stationed at each tower, including the Keep, the gatehouse, and throughout the Great Hall. Conversely, well-trained teachers like John Kelly could staff the guard posts during their prep periods. All guns for schools can be purchased through reputable gun dealers associated with the NRA. The building boom will result in trillions of dollars for new fortress schools, as well as millions of dollars in new gun purchases, fully capable of jumpstarting the economy. As an added bonus, some schools will serve dual purpose as prisons, local armories, and neighborhood fortresses for protection against terrorist attacks.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007 5429
Let us talk about the underhanded, understated, under-the-table problem of racial bias in selling homes. Have you seen this? I said, have you seen this? A white lady from a low-crime, highly-maintained white neighborhood in Milwaukee had the audacity coupled with the capacity to ask if a person looking to buy her house was black. Now, I'm sure she is a nice Christian white lady, but let me ask you, does the Bible say to love your neighbor only if he's white? Does the Bible say to not covet your neighbor's wife unless she's black? No my brother, and sister. The Bible says nothing about racial bias, because if it said racial bias was OK, then we'd all be free to do it with the blessing of God. But the Bible doesn't say racial bias is right. Not once. Not at all.

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