Email Kinda Confusing After Night at State Fair; Tone Seems Desperate

 

What the heck are you trying to tell me, Tommy? I got this email after a long night at State Fair, and I’m just not sure what I’m supposed ta do. I want my favorite governor to become the next president, but you hafta make it easier than this, especially since most of your supporters are taking in country music shows at the fair this week. Let’s just take a look at the email and figure it out:

“If you're a SOTT (Supporter of Tommy Thompson), then this is probably the most important email you have ever received from his campaign.” Besides the goofy SOTT thing, I can grasp this part.   “Without your help and support this week, Tommy Thompson's campaign cannot go on.” I’ll do what I can, big guy. “Tommy Thompson has made it clear that if he doesn't finish first or second this week in Ames, Iowa at the straw poll, he will not go on in this race.” Wait, my contribution can’t make that insanity happen without some kind of Children of the Corn type of occurrence there. Really, T, first or second? How about a distant fifth? And then you can drink a fifth of something tasty and plan ahead for the next election. You're good, but just not that good.  “To date he has outworked every other candidate running for president in Iowa.  His ideas on ending the war in Iraq, fixing America's ailing health care system and finding a cure for cancer are being heard, but not by enough people.” So why not? How frickin big is Iowa anyhow? Wasn’t that the goal, just to win Iowa, and hope everyone else just followed its lead, like in fashion and other important national decisions, when we all apparently pay attention to what Iowa thinks first. Yeah, Iowa. So it's sort of the complaining about having a big ass portion of the booty call. No, Tommy, I don't think you have a big ass. I think you look just fine the way you are, but you just have to convince the peeps in Iowa.  

“What's worse, is that the news media will shut him out of the national news coverage unless he finishes first or second this Saturday in Ames.” What’s worse than what, the fact that he is himself giving up if he does not finish one or two? Why in the world would the coverage continue if he drops out of the race? Wait, maybe this is just a blind attack on the media, in which case I agree whole-heartedly. It's like in the booty call when she says those magazines make her feel inadequate... all you gotsta do is say something nice, and it's boom chicky wow wow time.

 “We need your help in two ways:

1)       If you live in Iowa and have an Iowa driver's license, please come to Ames and take 30 minutes to vote. That's it. It's an historic opportunity to make a real difference for our country.  Email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to reserve your complimentary ticket or call our campaign office at 515-422-5100.” Guess I’m just wondering what ticket I’m getting if I vote… airline, party, museum admission?

2)       “Please purchase a commemorative "In the Arena" print on canvas and 80% of the revenue will go to Tommy Thompson's Presidential campaign.” Huh? This is getting kinda weird now, Tommy. You can give me stuff to vote for you, but I ain’t buying some velvet painting to support you.

“This is an amazing offer and for only $50 + shipping, you can have an art print of the United States Capitol with Teddy Roosevelt's famous quote on it. Even better, the print comes on museum quality canvas with archival giclee inks that are warranted to last for more than one hundred years.  As you can see, this is a beautiful print that's worth having in any home.  But more important, 80% of your contribution goes to the Tommy Thompson Presidential Campaign. "

"Just click here to go to a secure, encrypted Web page to use your credit card to purchase this beautiful collector print.” So, let me get this straight: Tommy’s giving up if he doesn’t win this weekend, but he wants me to buy his  $50 + shipping art print on actual canvas with some ink that will last 100 years in order to support his campaign, even though he’s giving up (whether he blames the media or not)? I might live another 50 years, and the hell if I want to be reminded of his failed campaign for even that long! It's like the booty call when she asks you if you'd marry her!

  Wow, that’s some quote from Roosevelt, and honestly, one piece of crap little art print. 

“’It's not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again... who at the best knows in the end the triumphs of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.’President Theodore Roosevelt
Paris, France
1905”

Too bad Tommy hasn’t thought of anything that deep on his own. But that’s OK, because Bush hasn’t yet, either.  By the way, why was our president even in France in 1905?  

“Thank you,
Steve Grubbs National Campaign DirectorTommy Thompson for President  

P.S. If you would like to make a contribution directly to the campaign, click here.” Please feel free to contribute all you want to Tommy’s bid for president, but it's sorta like paying for an abortion with a girl who made a booty call to you. I was stoked at first, but this last email just confused me. Does Tommy want me creating fake Iowa IDs and lining up with my friends to vote? Does Tommy want me to boycott the liberal media? Does Tommy want me to actually buy that stupid poster? He never really tells me how I should help to fix the results or anything, and that’s simply disappointing coming from Tommy, though I'd say the overall tone is about that of an ex-girlfriend who just got dumped by some geek and drank four large margaritas before calling. That's my Tommy!