In response to a study published in Florence, Italy, stating that global warming will make Italy less of a wine-growing country, Wisconsin farmers have begun to discuss what that means to agriculture here. The climate is expected to change over the next few decades, and the state may benefit from being prepared for that change. Apparently, a stong possibility exists that Wisconsin would inherit the climate of the Tuscan Coast, and people all over the state are preparing.

Sales for scooters have gone up in recent years, but are expected to spike with the new climate change confirmation. Farmers, long favoring four wheelers, are also expected to use these Vespas more often. Actually, Vespas will come in handy on the newly resized American farms, as the average Italian farm only measures 17 acres.
A number of pubs in the heartland are planning on being converted to discos to satisfy the new need for those types of establishments. Also, local gyms are expecting to see an influx of male members. The fishing industry has become interested in the probable changes in behavior, and they plan on having more open-air fish markets in port cities, with an expectation that people will eat fish on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Wisconsinites are expected to shift their tastes for large motorcycles and family sedans to beautifully-designed sport bikes, sports cars, and vinyl pants. In order to enjoy some of these new passions, Wisconsinites will begin taking one-and-a-half to two-hour lunch breaks, which is also enough time to take on a lover—this is more French than Italian, but who cares! Men from Wisconsin are expected to develop a taste for beautiful women, as well, and that means a major recruiting effort is currently underway. Men will use pick-up lines like, “You so beautiful! You come to my flat and I paint you. Bellisima!”

Women are expected to start buying more gold jewelry. Lots of it. Women will also benefit from the new sense of love the men will feel for their mamas. Citizens may develop strange desires to listen to John Denver music and wear 80s high tops.

Farmers will cultivate fields of vineyards, as well as lots of olive trees. They may also grow fruits and vegetables more commonly associated with the Mediterranean region, like Romaine lettuce. Farmers also plan on renting out their homes to tourists by calling them “country villas.” Overall, people in Wisconsin will make less money but be generally happier, except when they have to kill large cockroach-like creatures that will share their homes once the winter freeze disappears.
Friday, August 17, 2007 11705
Two people were the victims of a robbery about 4 a.m. Aug. 3 as they walked on Oakland Ave. at Belleview Ave. The robber knocked down one of the victims and took a cell phone. It's funny that you read this account, and I feel like I somehow stole your old-ass cell phone from when the story was written. To help make me feel better, I offer this:
Thursday, August 21, 2008 26144
Quick, name five lemurs who have played professional sports! Stumped? Well you are not alone. Lemurs have a long history in professional sports (Pete Sampras, for example), but many see them as inferior to their more human counterparts. This is why lemurs across the globe are celebrating Ryan Braun as one of their own, even though he’s only half lemur. The Lemur Anti-Defamation and Existence League has mounted a media frenzy over Ryan Braun because of his success as an athlete and his heritage as a prosimian. Though Braun’s father is human, his mother’s status as a lemur is enough to allow lemurs to feel a bond with him. However, Real Wisconsin News has also learned that Ryan did not grow up honoring his lemur heritage, and some hard-line lemur groups have disowned him as a hero for the masses. Zoboomafoo, spokesman for Lemurs R People 2, said, “Ryan Braun played baseball this year on Mother’s Day, which might not mean much to people, but lemurs are matriarchal, and Mother’s Day is considered our most important holiday. A true lemur would have been grooming his mother instead of going 2 for 4 with a couple of RBIs.” Though he does not talk about being a lemur, Braun has graciously allowed lemurs to be photographed with him, and even spoke at a mostly-lemur middle school in Madagascar, his mother’s homeland. The principal of the school said of Braun: “He is a true lemur to those of us who believe that even though we are generally ridiculed on the sports field, we can succeed to be more than sidekicks on television programs for comic relief. He also donated Milwaukee Brewers shirts to the entire student body, and that would cost me three years’ salary. Now all the children and lemurs can be clothed for years to come.” Braun takes the whole controversy in stride, claiming dual heritage, and not aligning himself with any one group. “It’s part of who I am,” he says. Of course, Braun is not the first athlete with dual heritage who has played for a Milwaukee team. Tyrone Hill is 1/8 vampire bat. Sam Cassell is 1/2 cricket

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