In response to a study published in Florence, Italy, stating that global warming will make Italy less of a wine-growing country, Wisconsin farmers have begun to discuss what that means to agriculture here. The climate is expected to change over the next few decades, and the state may benefit from being prepared for that change. Apparently, a stong possibility exists that Wisconsin would inherit the climate of the Tuscan Coast, and people all over the state are preparing.

Sales for scooters have gone up in recent years, but are expected to spike with the new climate change confirmation. Farmers, long favoring four wheelers, are also expected to use these Vespas more often. Actually, Vespas will come in handy on the newly resized American farms, as the average Italian farm only measures 17 acres.
A number of pubs in the heartland are planning on being converted to discos to satisfy the new need for those types of establishments. Also, local gyms are expecting to see an influx of male members. The fishing industry has become interested in the probable changes in behavior, and they plan on having more open-air fish markets in port cities, with an expectation that people will eat fish on Wednesdays and Fridays.

Wisconsinites are expected to shift their tastes for large motorcycles and family sedans to beautifully-designed sport bikes, sports cars, and vinyl pants. In order to enjoy some of these new passions, Wisconsinites will begin taking one-and-a-half to two-hour lunch breaks, which is also enough time to take on a lover—this is more French than Italian, but who cares! Men from Wisconsin are expected to develop a taste for beautiful women, as well, and that means a major recruiting effort is currently underway. Men will use pick-up lines like, “You so beautiful! You come to my flat and I paint you. Bellisima!”

Women are expected to start buying more gold jewelry. Lots of it. Women will also benefit from the new sense of love the men will feel for their mamas. Citizens may develop strange desires to listen to John Denver music and wear 80s high tops.

Farmers will cultivate fields of vineyards, as well as lots of olive trees. They may also grow fruits and vegetables more commonly associated with the Mediterranean region, like Romaine lettuce. Farmers also plan on renting out their homes to tourists by calling them “country villas.” Overall, people in Wisconsin will make less money but be generally happier, except when they have to kill large cockroach-like creatures that will share their homes once the winter freeze disappears.
Tuesday, November 30, 1999 11494
Some in Washington are Claiming Colorful, Corrupt Connection. The Whitehouse has claimed that what Scooter did wasn’t so bad, and that it is right for President Kermit T. Frog to use his Rainbow Connection to Scooter to get the poor guy off the hook. But some observers are claiming that this so-called Rainbow Connection is nothing better than an old-boys club of the powerful political elite, totally clueless as to what normal Americans want.
Sunday, January 08, 2012 11399
Newt Gingrich, in response to a question about gay marriage during the January 7th Republican Debate, said, "The sacrament of marriage is based on a man and woman; has been for 3000 years." He effectively rewrote history with that statement. However, it is unclear what Gringrich's version of history and religion might be, so Real Wisconsin News has taken the liberty to attempt to decipher his view of the world:

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