A chemical that causes cancer in California (PCB) is responsible for the closing of numerous Milwaukee area playing fields, most of which are used by active adults as precursors to drinking and possible relations with the opposite sex. Because of the closings, local ath-elites may need to find new ways to sneak away from their families or have a legitimate reason to drink excessively.

Local Ath-elites Compete in Grueling Kick-the-ball Match

The fields that have been closed include many of the MPS playing fields, as well as fields at other parks that used the sewerage-based fertilizer to help green-up the grass. Some of the county-run parks are safe because they haven't seen fertilzer for six years, but many of the fields where local ath-elites spend their evenings and weekends are all but useless because the levels of PCBs exceed the national allowable amounts, and nobody wants to catch PCB disease.

Some leagues are still scheduling games and hope to play on playgrounds or in backyards. "I paid $35 to play kickball this summer, and there's no way anyone's gonna take that away from me," said Matthew, a devout kickball player. Others who play kickball and softball have echoed this response, often noting that this is the only opportunity all week for the players to escape their mundane lives with their families, and go run around a field before sitting in a bar.

While players are encouraged to call their coaches to find out if games or after-drinking have been cacelled, no doubt the fighting spirit of Milwaukeeans will help to fix the problem. One bar patron, visibly upset that his co-ed softball game was cancelled, said, "I'll drink a whole case of PCB water, just to prove it's serfectly pafe, just like this booze!" Hopefully the situation can be resolved before bored ath-elites take to drinking contests and their own sausage races around neighborhoods.