Waterloo high school students have begun getting stoned instead of going to games on Friday nights. In light of all the regulations put down by the WIAA, students have decided their time was better suited “taking hits” from the bong instead of cheering their peers on the court. Kevin Valtrop told the local paper, “I’m just sick of going to the game and being told by the administration to be mindful of the opposing team’s feelings when we cheer.” Kevin could not understand why the cheer, “He grabbed our ball and touched my sac” was not appropriate for a group of hormone-raging teens to chant. The students are fed up and are staging a protest of Weedstock proportions.

Frank Goerteng who is leading the protest at a yet to be named location stated, “Screw the school. We’re just going to get stoned and play a good ole’ fashioned game of co-ed naked twister.” Local drug dealer Justin McNaughten is excited about the potential boost in sales that a Weedstock type event in Waterloo will bring him.

The local booster club is saddened at the news, as the income received from these games helps support building new weight room for the student athletes at the school. Booster member Harold Reinhance stated, “How are we going to put out a great team without providing them with a place to bulk up and get inspired. Granted, the cheerleading squad isn’t hard on the eyes this year.”Waterloo’s principal Gary Ross doesn’t appear concerned about the students’ increase in drug use, but felt the need to stand firm in abiding by WIAA policy. He told us, “Hey, kids are going to do drugs no matter if we enforce rules or not. We feel that the WIAA hit the nail on the head by not allowing this type of cheering at events.”The WIAA referred to their policy on sportsmanship and stated that there should be no such thing as home court advantage at high school sporting events. WIAA Board of Control president Buck Diener stated, “These students are just trying to make us change our policies to allow students to begin having fun at high school sports events again, and that’s not what sportsmanship is all about.”

Sunday, July 22, 2007 15685
The Milwaukee Bucks, in the hopes of drawing more fans, are in the process of acquiring a team that may not be able to compete on the court, but certainly will entertain people. The team will begin trading for players that are considered to be freaks of nature, or at least of basketball. Their recent acquisition of 5’5’’ Earl Boykins is the first in a string of trades that will create what is known as a theme-team. Just as the Harlem Globetrotters train mediocre players to dribble basketballs off referees’ heads and throw buckets of water on unsuspecting fans, the Milwaukee Bucks will also create a buzz when they travel through the NBA as they build their record book roster. While some may call them the freaks of the league, the Bucks front office is simply referring to the new team as team representing all of society. “The players will represent the dreams and sometimes nightmares of fans worldwide, and we will create an interesting brand of basketball for a city that is used to embracing all walks of life,” was the official word from the organization.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007 19282
Milwaukee Public Schools will begin its scaling down of actual education in its schools in order to better reproduce the criminal justice system its students are preparing themselves for. The latest budget has job losses in all areas except for social workers, psychologists, safety assistants, and nurses. Teachers will be teaching more students for more hours with less help, but the plan is for the psychologists and social workers to convince students to behave better. If that doesn’t work, of course, the safety assistants are specially trained to subdue students without the use of plastic handcuffs, pepper spray, or knowledge of martial arts by saying things like, “Don’t you make me get up out this desk!” If the safety assistants are useless, the nurses can offer ice packs for black eyes.

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