Videotaped Confession Trounces RumorsWhile he may look great in an expensive suit, Herb Kohl finally admitted Tuesday that he is, in fact, straight. This revelation may come as a surprise to the homosexual community and the Shepherd Express, but actual footage of the senator admitting his orientation can be seen as well in some older Milwaukee Bucks video footage obtained by Real Wisconsin News. In the footage, Big Dog Glenn Robinson asks Senator Kohl if he’d like a sip of his Kool Aide, and Senator Kohl clearly states, “No thanks, Dog. I’m straight.” Big Dog seems to answer with, “I gotcha, big man.

”Senator Kohl has placed himself firmly back in the closet with the “I’m straight” admission, and has never made any statements to negate this evidence. In fact, back in 1993, Senator Kohl proclaimed that he was neither a gay man nor a lesbian, which only leaves straight man or straight woman as his options.Rumors about Kohl's flirtations are also baseless. Men and women alike were turned on by Don Nelson yelling at players and ruggedly conducting a tractor around the state, so we cannot come to any conclusions based on Kohl's rumored crush. There simply is no body of evidence to suggest that Senator Herb Kohl does not get completely turned on by Energee, the Milwaukee Bucks dance team, just like the rest of us, men and women alike.   

 

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Nearly News: Satire Stories Seeking Significance 2006-2014

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 5177
Let us talk about the underhanded, understated, under-the-table problem of racial bias in selling homes. Have you seen this? I said, have you seen this? A white lady from a low-crime, highly-maintained white neighborhood in Milwaukee had the audacity coupled with the capacity to ask if a person looking to buy her house was black. Now, I'm sure she is a nice Christian white lady, but let me ask you, does the Bible say to love your neighbor only if he's white? Does the Bible say to not covet your neighbor's wife unless she's black? No my brother, and sister. The Bible says nothing about racial bias, because if it said racial bias was OK, then we'd all be free to do it with the blessing of God. But the Bible doesn't say racial bias is right. Not once. Not at all.
Thursday, August 02, 2007 5743
Could a law professor lose his job for making fun of Hmong people? That’s the question UW-Madison officials will tackle soon, as the case of what a professor named Kaplan said about the Hmong during a lecture recently. The question isn’t whether or not his remarks were accurate, but whether or not he has the right to say them. Let’s put it right out there: he is accused of saying that Hmong men only know how to kill things and that their sons tend to be in gangs, or to be more accurate, we’ll quote the quote of an email quote: “’ Hmong men have no talent other than to kill,’" "’all-second generation Hmong end up in gangs and other criminal activity’" and "’all men purchase their wives, so if he wants to have sex with his wife and she doesn't consent, you and I call it rape, but the Hmong guy is thinking, 'Man, I paid too much for her!' ‘" (Please, any representatives of MLA or APA, help us out here.)

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