beckham

I was watching BBC News today because I’m a cultured man and my programs weren't coming in on the antenna, and I heard about this football player from over there who’s going to play for Los Angeles’s new football team, the Galaxy. His name is Daniel or David Beckham, and he must be really good. For me, an avid football fan, to never have heard of this guy just goes to show that Euro-NFL has not exactly taken off. I had no idea than an unproven 31 year-old could sign with a football team for nearly $50 million a year.

I don’t know if the L.A. team is an expansion team or what, but I’m glad L.A. was able to acquire an NFL team because a tough blue-collar town like L.A. needs a pro football team. I just hope this Beckham character knows how to play whatever it is he plays. The news called him a midfielder, and I haven’t played high school football in a few decades, but we never had any of them. Halfback, fullback, quarterback—those I understand. I suppose a midfielder is a defender who runs around behind the real men (linebackers). Back in my time, we used to call them safeties, but I can’t get too upset about change. Like the DH, don’t even get me started on that!

Back in my time, had I wanted to play professional football, I might have made as much as a teacher or janitor. Now, a fella like Beckham will make as much as 1000 well-paid teachers, or 2000 janitors, or 3000 fast food employees. Well, all I can say is, at least you know where you stand with football players, unlike people with real college degrees who always think they’re so smart. If you were so smart, college boy, you’d be making $50,000,000! Smoke that in your pipe, professor!

I also heard on the news broadcast the young man is married to a spice girl. I’m not sure if that means she sorts and grounds spices, or perhaps she sells them in a nice little spice shop. Either way, I suppose she can stay at home and give Mr. Beckham a few sons instead of working on her own career now. I look forward to seeing how the European style of football translates to my favorite sport, and I hope the Pack plays the Galaxy next year.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 13855
Some Laugh, but Point is Well-Intentioned CBS 58 has taken on a new direction in its news reporting, and the results are certainly creating a buzz. Instead of the old-fashioned “listen to me: don’t do this” form of news reporting, CBS 58 has rolled out a new era in reporting with “watch me: don’t do this.” Early critics of the technique have scoffed at the results—the loss of a $250,000 news van in Big Muskego Lake. However, every local news channel covered the story, and the point is well taken among people who enjoy driving their large, heavy vehicles on ice in the winter.
Thursday, February 23, 2017 8180
High schools in Wisconsin have been able to retain their Native American mascots under the rule of Scott Walker, but Menomonee Falls has decided to go ahead and change the high school mascot without any nudging from the state. While it might first appear that the school is keeping the same mascot, it is, in fact, changing from a Native American Indian to an Indian from India in order to honor an upsurge in students of Asian Indian descent. Principal Dr. Jim Coach said at a press conference, “We never had many actual American Indian students in Menomonee Falls for us to honor with the mascot name or to dress up as Chief Wampum. This move will give us more access to students to be honored by the mascot, since roughly 2% of our student body of 1500 are Indians from India, and that means at least ten kids. Maybe twenty.” Dr. Coach added, "It's pretty simple: we're going from American Indian to Indian American. Citizens of Menomonee Falls have been disappointed for years that their mascot was not able to marginalize a greater percentage of the local minority population. However, with an influx of families from India making their homes in Waukesha County, residents of the Falls have welcomed the opportunity to ridicule the group. Important citizen Janelle Whitefolk said, “It wasn’t fun when Native American Indians got upset, since we couldn’t tell them to go back to their own country if they didn’t like it. I did tell them to head back to the Rez, which was clever, but it will be so much better when we can tell people to head back to India with other illegals.” The school made the decision partially because so many uniforms already have the name “Indians” written on them, so nothing will have to change. The large F with a feather will be replaced with a jewel-encrusted Indian Elephant that will represent both the Indians and the strong Republican ideology in Menomonee Falls. The mascot at games will be a convenience store clerk named Ranbir (the brave warrior), hopefully played by an actual Indian (Asian or American). The school board also hopes to acquire a sacred cow from a local farm, and the school has decided to name the cow “Darshit,” which means “To pay respect.” “I can imagine,” said Coach, “when we’re on the football field, moving the ball against Marquette, and the crowd starts screaming, ‘Dar-shit, Dar-shit!’ And the Bollywood halftime shows!” When asked for comment, local American Indian elders crossed their arms and rolled their eyes, presumably in a cultural expression of approval.

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