Bradford Beach will soon have to compete with a new beach with similar levels of human feces in the water. The city of West Allis will open the Honey Creek Beach that will replace the failing county-run swimming pools, and allow citizens to bask in the peace and solitude found only near sewage-tainted waters. A recent study conducted by the Milwaukee Metropolitan Sewerage District has found that an unexpected level of human feces routinely flows through the Honey Creek, likely resulting from bad sewer pipes, but the levels are not unlike those seen at Milwaukee’s favorite summer lakefront beach, so West Allis officials plan on going ahead with their plans to create the Honey Creek Beach in State Fair Park.

Currently, the creek runs through underground culverts under State Fair Park, but the plan is to dam the water in the fair’s parking lot, and create an aesthetically pleasing concrete beach around the new lagoon. Some local residents have suggested the lagoon may be more of a cesspool, but they were told that to limit human feces in the creek may cost up to $12,000 per household to add new sewer pipes, and little protest has been voiced since.A press release from the city of West Allis states, “The city wants to create a new destination for State Fair Park, since the ice rink and expo center have been complete disasters. The only thing on the grounds that has made any money is the RV park, and this will provide beachfront property for those people living out of their RVs.” In fact, one city planner has suggested a Honey Creek Beach Trailer Park for the remainder of State Fair’s only parking lot.

Neighborhood citizens who charge up to $25 tax-free to park State Fair patrons in their front lawns are excited about the loss of more parking spaces on State Fair grounds. Former state senator Tom Reynolds welcomes the decreased parking lot size so that he can collect more money for parking at his residence on 94th and Schlinger. “I may have lost my bid for re-election,” he stated in an interview, “but I can make big money if there’s no parking lot at State Fair. I’ll apply any money I make to my upcoming bid for the Presidency.”While not all West Allis residents are aspiring as high as Reynolds, the new beach is seen as a good way to keep kids off the streets and close money-draining local pools. One Reynolds caliber idea is to relocate the Cool Waters slides from Greenfield Park to the new beach and rent wetsuits to beachgoers so that they can avoid side effects such as dysentery from the water itself. Excitement is growing in West Allis for this project because it is a land-locked inner-ring suburb with no natural beaches of its own. Local businesses see the project as an opportunity to tout West Allis as a leading community in the region, and move beyond the blue-collar bar-on-every-streetcorner stereotype that has plagued the city since its inception in the early 1900s.

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Sunday, December 18, 2016 22768
Mere days after the company that owns Jagermeister liqueur accused the Milwaukee Bucks of using a deer logo too similar in design to its own deer head, Jesus of Nazareth has joined the dispute by claiming Jagermeister 's logo is not without fault. According to Jesus, "I said unto the people @Jagermeister in a tweet, 'Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.' I sometimes kind of imply meaning instead of coming out and saying it, so my lawyers have suggested I explain what I meant." Jesus said that his legal team sent notice to Jagermeister stating that it's use of the Christian Cross logo was an infringement. Furthermore, it states that permission for use of the cross in logos for alcoholic beverages had been revoked, with the exception of red table wine and beers bottled by monks. Jesus' legal team, headed by Adam Steinberg, added some details: "Generally, Jesus prefers to turn the other cheek when it comes to any misuse of Christian icons. However, Jagermeister's singling out of the Milwaukee Bucks drew the ire of not only the Son but also the Father. Quoth Jesus, "Dad was like, 'they have logo copyrights to a deer head? Next they will claim to own all the logos with sparrows or lilies of the field.'" While it's true the new Bucks logo has some similarities to the deer head in question, it is also true that God is sick and tired of endless litigation requiring sworn statements. To a lesser degree, the use of religious icons for clearly non religious purposes has been a pet peeve of Jesus for at least a millennia. "I don't know what Jagermeister wants to say about Me, but to imply I support Jagerbombs and the immoral behavior associated with binge drinking is an incorrect assumption on the part of the company. At least the Milwaukee Bucks logo uses a cute implied basketball on top of the deer's rack rather than a symbol incongruous with their mission." A spokesman for the Bucks said, "We were copying the Bulls logo and had no intention to steal any other logo. I mean, how many ways can a freakin' deer be drawn?" Jesus agrees; sayeth the Lord, "The logo is not implying it's some kind of false god. It's just a deer with a basketball. This does not offend Me."
Wednesday, July 25, 2007 16281
The Medical College of Wisconsin, under increasing pressure from animal rights organizations, has rescinded its decision to use dogs in its animal lab. Instead, the college will use cats, horses, monkeys, and parrots as its main resource for animal testing. “Dog people are very organized,” said a spokesperson for the Medical College. The intention is to maintain the policy of testing domesticated animals that people love while not having to deal with public relations problems caused by dog owners.While people might become upset about the thought of Seabiscuit or Garfield being used for live lab work, a mere 2 million people nationwide own horses, and cat owners tend to be more prone to eating ice cream and watching “Grey’s Anatomy” than being active in politics. Compare this to the whopping 44 million households that own dogs and can’t imagine their little puppies being sliced open and hacked apart in the name of science.

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