In a surprise deployment decision, the British have pulled out of the city of Peterborough, England because of homeland attacks on their troops. While the nearby air base will remain operational, the troops have been advised to not enter the city wearing their uniforms because of a barrage of verbal attacks launched by citizens who oppose the war effort.

The new Nashotah Art Zeitgeist Institute will open Friday to provide the nearly 1500 residents of this village an opportunity to experience art in their own backyards. “We’re tired of having to drive to Milwaukee and pay for parking,” village resident Gina Povlofski said. “Now we’ll have our own art museum to compete with the one in Milwaukee. It’s really a win/win situation for us to have our own institute of fine arts.” The Institute will house art from local Waukesha County artists and will focus entirely on realism. Bob Heinman, president of the board of directors, explained, “Realism is the only art we should appreciate because it captures what we see and doesn’t try to fool us or persuade us.” The Nashotah Art Zeitgeist Institute will also not use any art from other countries because, according to Heinman, there is enough talent in Wisconsin, and foreigners really do not have much to add. He added that Molly Mulroony of Delafield has submitted a charcoal drawing depicting the Irish immigration experience, and will be highlighted as the foreign and minority piece at the institute. According to Heinman, the goal of the Nashotah Art Zeitgeist Institute is to allow people to appreciate good wholesome art in the suburban environment, without having to wait in long lines or be afflicted by depictions of violence or nudity. “Sure, we’ll have a hunter and his kill in a good number of the paintings, but nothing gratuitous,” said Heinman. “Death is part of nature, but depicting revolutions with blood splattering, or poverty-stricken children, is just too much. And sex; don’t even get me started on sex! There’s nothing artistic about a naked woman, and my wife agrees.” At the grand opening, residents are invited to bring any of their “pointless” art to the Nashotah Art Zeitgeist Institute Party Burn-a-thon, during which people will be allowed to throw their “avant-garde, new-age crap” onto a bonfire to raise money to buy artwork for the institute. All white male Christians and their spouses are welcome. Cheese and crackers will be served.