A sweet little Plymouth girl made over 100 prank phone calls in order to test the efficacy of Sheboygan’s 911 system. The young lady performed a vital public service, and should be commended for her efforts. Surely, countless lives will be saved because this little heroine took it upon herself to test the system and expose the faults that exist in our current 911 configuration, both in technology and in dealing with people. “You’d think someone would have gotten her name before she made 100 pranks for Chrissake!” said Sheboygan police officer Jim Bratz. “I mean, she’s eight—just ask her. I’m not putting those operators down or anything, but they’re freakin stupider than eight-year-olds, to be honest with you.”

Luckily for Officer Bratz, no actual crimes were committed at the time of the prank calls, though the little girl did tie up the phones by first recounting an emergency such as a stabbing or a fire, and then screaming obscenities and laughing. According to the police report, the girl’s mother saw her playing on the phone, but since it was a de-activated cell phone, the woman just assumed her daughter was screaming obscenities to no one, and ignored the exploits as an eight-year-old being eight. Sheboygan police called in the FBI and Homeland Security because of the sheer number of prank calls, and because they seemed to have no real way of tracking them. Homeland Security suggested raising Sheboygan’s terror alert rating from orange to burnt sienna, but the FBI’s suggestion that the operators try to talk to the suspect was eventually followed. Though the FBI’s profile said the prankster was a 35-year-old white male disguising his voice, their technique of asking questions paid off when the girl gave away some vital information that was used in her capture.

The girl and her mother were reportedly getting ready to go to church when the police officer showed up to arrest them. Surely, the girl has learned her lesson that only adults on television can get away with pulling idiotic pranks, though the lessons she taught the Sheboygan PD and the FBI will continue to pay dividends well into the future.