The Medical College of Wisconsin, under increasing pressure from animal rights organizations, has rescinded its decision to use dogs in its animal lab. Instead, the college will use cats, horses, monkeys, and parrots as its main resource for animal testing. “Dog people are very organized,” said a spokesperson for the Medical College. The intention is to maintain the policy of testing domesticated animals that people love while not having to deal with public relations problems caused by dog owners.While people might become upset about the thought of Seabiscuit or Garfield being used for live lab work, a mere 2 million people nationwide own horses, and cat owners tend to be more prone to eating ice cream and watching “Grey’s Anatomy” than being active in politics. Compare this to the whopping 44 million households that own dogs and can’t imagine their little puppies being sliced open and hacked apart in the name of science.

Asked why the Medical College does not use pigs or goats in its lab instead of America’s favorite pets, officials said that testing is more meaningful if done on animals we love. “We can’t do a human-like test on an amoeba,” said the doctor. “Amoeba’s can’t yelp out in pain or have sad puppy-dog eyes, pleading to be delivered from a fate worse than death. In addition, pigs and goats are seen as food, and when medical students slice up food, they feel little remorse. But we’re confident students can still feel horrible about what they’re doing even if we can’t use dogs. I mean, did you ever see Project X with Matthew Broderick? Monkeys are practically people, but luckily not too many people own them, so we’re safe using them in our labs.”
Students will get practice cutting into annoying people who constantly complain through the lab’s use of parrots. Said one Medical College instructor: “Sure, anatomically parrots are not similar to humans, but when you teach them to say ‘Whhok, my leg hurts’ over and over again, it’s good practice dealing with the rage doctors can feel towards annoying patients.” The reason for using horses, said officials, is that many students training to become doctors come from wealthy families of doctors who tend to own such things as horses and Ferraris, so they too can feel sad about killing something.
Other doctors at the facility said that they would be glad to release the various pit-bulls and other unwanted dogs back onto the streets from whence they were collected. “Hey, we treat dog bites at the hospital, so that’s just added business for us,” one doctor quipped. “It’s not like we were killing Lassie or Benji, just Kujo and Hooch. Maybe when state legislators get off their asses and pass us a death-or-dissection penalty for murderers, we’ll get us some real specimens.” Real Wisconsin News contacted state legislators and found that no such bill is being considered, yet.
More articles to make you think like a human

Friday, July 13, 2007 44016
Don Imus, the much-maligned syndicated radio personality, will teach a breakout session at the National Organization for Women Conference in Detroit this July. He has decided to pay penance for his remarks about the Rutgers women’s basketball team (calling them nappy-headed hos) by presenting on “Why (White) Men Fear (Black) Women” during an early-bird breakout session, just after “Yoga With Grace Welch.” In his workshop, Don Imus is scheduled to talk about how the patriarchal society he lives in has shaped him into a person who does not value women in general and Black women in particular. Imus is said to be preparing his materials during his two-week suspension from the radio. He will discuss the depiction of women in America from the early captivity and moral novels to today’s personal narratives of abuse and other stuff men don’t care about. Imus will then take on the depiction of all women in the media, and especially the depiction of Black women as either hos or big mamas. He is planning on delving into the objectification of women in pornography, the marginalization of Asian women through happy-ending or fortune cookie jokes, the conceptualization of American Indian women as squaws, the visualization of Italian women as hairy and good cooks, the metamorphosization of Latinas from oppressed housewives to big-bootied-hos in pop music, and the externalization of all women as either hos or mothers. While some women have protested Imus being invited to the conference, others see it as a learning opportunity, both for themselves and for him. An organizer of the event said, “Mr. Imus will be repenting for his sins against the brotherhood of women and offering us a forum during which we may yell at him on a more personal level.” Women from the Rutgers basketball team have cried foul over the invitation, and have vowed to boycott the NOW conference, just as they now boycott the show. “We used to listen to Don Imus before games to get us pumped-up,” said one player, “but now that he’s just another white devil, we’ll listen to the John Tesh show instead. Or, maybe we’ll watch us a Lifetime movie, because them ladies know how to handle a trifling man, with a shovel to the head or a 2” heel to the eye.” Team members have also vowed to not use any relaxer in their hair in order to demonstrate to Imus just how nappy a head of hair can get. The future of Imus’s radio show is uncertain, especially with the potential loss of African-American female listeners. He has already been dropped from television, but Imus is confident that his new brand of sensitive talk will bring in more listeners who want to confront their own hegemonical views of women as weaker, more emotional, and less intelligent, not to mention better at cleaning and care-giving.
Monday, October 01, 2007 14350
While some fans are disappointed with the finish to the [insert year here] Milwaukee Brewers season, team members believe they have the Chicago Cubs right where they want them. Instead of the Brewers going on to lose in the first round of the playoffs, players will be able to sit at home with their families and watch the Cubs lose in the first round.

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