American Dreaming With Dan Brubus

Keep driving your SUVs, people, because we’re about make history! I knew my Lord and savior Jesus Christ was on my side when I decided against going to Miami to take a job with a competitor. “Yeah, the weather sucks here,” I reasoned, “and the girls aren’t nearly as hot, but I can afford a Brookfield mansion for less than a million bucks, and still have enough left over to stock my garage.” Anyhow, the great weather is about to come to me, so I’ll be retiring at about 55 with more money in the bank than you’ll make in a lifetime, and beautiful weather, as well. What do we have to thank for all this? Global warming, of course.

 

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change just released new data that predict numerous climatological events for Wisconsin, created by our own addiction to oil, in which I have invested heavily. Here are some of those “catastrophic” events.


Temperatures in Wisconsin will rise by about five degrees by 2039. Maybe ten degrees by 2100. Yipee! Buried ships and interesting geological features will be exposed by dropping Great Lakes water levels. Surface temperatures of Midwestern lakes could reach 86 degrees. That’s pretty nice for a jump in the old lake after a day on my yacht.


For all you hippies, growing seasons and forests will increase. You can maybe grow your own marijuana. Heat waves will increase by 25%, so those 86 degree lakes will feel nice and cool
Up to one-third of the worthless plant and animal species may be doomed to extinction—it’ll be like a science experiment in our freakin backyards.


Basically, if you maintain the right attitude, not much is really going to happen with this whole global warming thing. American consumerism is what drives the entire global economy, and we cannot slow down for some tree-hugging Scandanavian socialists who want us to sign
treaties that cut pollution. Honestly, the EU can cut all the emissions they want, and we’ll still let the lazy chain-smokers come along on our economic ride. And China and India just better back off with their nuclear weapons and outrageous pollution—since when do they have the right to do that? Luckily, we’ve got it all together here in America, and now we can look forward to more pleasant weather, as well.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008 5127
Dear Biker Chick, I invited all of my friends to a party at my house recently, and almost none of them got back to me, even though I asked for an RSVP. It’s not like I did some afterthought of an email invite; I sent most of them actual letters! I had to overbuy on the food and especially beer, just in case some of my friends brought their alcoholic boyfriends. Has etiquette disappeared so much and is there anything I can do? Alice in West Allis Dear Stally Ally, If you were really popular in high school and maintained that through college in a sorority and then married a rich husband, then you wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of crap. Everyone would want to come over to your McMansion and eat lobster. If you were a burnout and a slut in high school and then got a job in retail before marrying a loser, I know where you’re coming from, and your friends will always attend any party you throw if they’ve got nothing else going on. Don’t expect a reply, and definitely don’t bother with mail—most people probably thought you were rubbing their noses in the fact that they’re still living at home or in some sleazy apartment instead of in their own houses. Send them an email next time and quit your complaining. If you got three people to show up, that’s enough to prove you’ll have someone attend your funeral someday. Stick the food in the freezer and drink the booze until you feel better about the whole thing. And by all means, when they invite you to their house someday, don’t respond, and then either show up trashed and flirt with all the married men or just don’t show up at all if you find something better to do.
Friday, February 17, 2012 6811
Rick Santorum supporter, Wisconsin native, and near-billionaire Foster Friess made a statement that seemed to need a little explaining when he implied that the use of aspirin between a woman's knees could prevent pregnancies. Was he making a joke? Was this a viable option in the past? Does aspirin act as a spermicide? Does he know how to make babies? Real Wisconsin News decided to find out the answers to some of these questions.

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