American Dreaming With Dan Brubus

Keep driving your SUVs, people, because we’re about make history! I knew my Lord and savior Jesus Christ was on my side when I decided against going to Miami to take a job with a competitor. “Yeah, the weather sucks here,” I reasoned, “and the girls aren’t nearly as hot, but I can afford a Brookfield mansion for less than a million bucks, and still have enough left over to stock my garage.” Anyhow, the great weather is about to come to me, so I’ll be retiring at about 55 with more money in the bank than you’ll make in a lifetime, and beautiful weather, as well. What do we have to thank for all this? Global warming, of course.

 

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change just released new data that predict numerous climatological events for Wisconsin, created by our own addiction to oil, in which I have invested heavily. Here are some of those “catastrophic” events.


Temperatures in Wisconsin will rise by about five degrees by 2039. Maybe ten degrees by 2100. Yipee! Buried ships and interesting geological features will be exposed by dropping Great Lakes water levels. Surface temperatures of Midwestern lakes could reach 86 degrees. That’s pretty nice for a jump in the old lake after a day on my yacht.


For all you hippies, growing seasons and forests will increase. You can maybe grow your own marijuana. Heat waves will increase by 25%, so those 86 degree lakes will feel nice and cool
Up to one-third of the worthless plant and animal species may be doomed to extinction—it’ll be like a science experiment in our freakin backyards.


Basically, if you maintain the right attitude, not much is really going to happen with this whole global warming thing. American consumerism is what drives the entire global economy, and we cannot slow down for some tree-hugging Scandanavian socialists who want us to sign
treaties that cut pollution. Honestly, the EU can cut all the emissions they want, and we’ll still let the lazy chain-smokers come along on our economic ride. And China and India just better back off with their nuclear weapons and outrageous pollution—since when do they have the right to do that? Luckily, we’ve got it all together here in America, and now we can look forward to more pleasant weather, as well.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 16562
The Medical College of Wisconsin, under increasing pressure from animal rights organizations, has rescinded its decision to use dogs in its animal lab. Instead, the college will use cats, horses, monkeys, and parrots as its main resource for animal testing. “Dog people are very organized,” said a spokesperson for the Medical College. The intention is to maintain the policy of testing domesticated animals that people love while not having to deal with public relations problems caused by dog owners.While people might become upset about the thought of Seabiscuit or Garfield being used for live lab work, a mere 2 million people nationwide own horses, and cat owners tend to be more prone to eating ice cream and watching “Grey’s Anatomy” than being active in politics. Compare this to the whopping 44 million households that own dogs and can’t imagine their little puppies being sliced open and hacked apart in the name of science.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014 17868
"I was really nervous but really happy to get the second pick. I was extremely nervous but it was really fun."

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