The Cobeus tribe of South America, living deep in the Amazon and feeding occasionally on their enemies, have issued a press release that they are not interesting in devouring baseball great Barry Bonds. This may seem shocking because Bonds has a lot of muscle, which is more nutritious that fat. However, the Cobeus people do not want their meals tainted with steroids and avoid human flesh that has been tainted in any way. In a Real Wisconsin News exclusive, we have discovered that the tribe keeps a bulletin board with photos of people who are allowed safe passage through their domain. Keith Richards and Lindsay Lohan are amongst the celebrities posted. While the mammary is said to be the best meat available on a human, Lohan’s recent transgressions have made her off-limits, just like Bonds.

Through a translator, one tribal elder said, “While Lohan’s presumably natural breasts could feed us for a week, we have to consider the future of our children. This is also why Barry Bonds is no good to us. All of that muscle is a result of testicle-shrinking steroids, and large testicles are a status symbol amongst our people.”

Some Real Wisconsin News readers may be surprised to read that cannibals do in fact exist, and that they seem to know a lot about popular culture. The truth is that the Cobeus use money from the sale of their Amazon land as grazing for fast food cattle to buy satellite TV and watch baseball and other American fare. Apparently, CSI is a hit in many villages, and people clang metal utensils together to announce its broadcast start-times so people can gather in the village square.

Technically, cannibalism is illegal in South America, just like in the United States, but law enforcement officials have had little success in venturing deep into the Amazon jungle and emerging with any evidence or their own skin, so they tend to ignore the practice, similar to how Major League Baseball ignored the steroid use of Barry Bonds and many other marquee players.

This Real Wisconsin News correspondent almost found out first-hand what it is like to be roasted and eaten, for the Cobeus people generally shoot arrows and roast strangers first, and sometimes ask questions later. However, the mention of Milwaukee during the stressful introductions drew excited looks from tribal members, and when a child held up a blond-haired doll and someone said “Dahmer,” I knew I was safe.

Apparently, the Cobeus tribe is known as one of the only cannibal groups to attack others in order to procure food, while other cannibals generally eat the elderly or have some sort of religious theme to their desire to feast on other people. However, with the lack of both other tribes to fight and fervor of missionaries in the region since the Spaniards departed, the tribe has resorted to eating monkeys and the occasional sloth. They’ve even resorted to killing a few of the cattle grazing on the land they’ve sold, but they claim to prefer primates. Technically, sloths aren’t primates, but no news reporter in his right mind is going to argue that one amongst man-eaters, similar to how no reporters discussed steroids when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa battled for the Roger Maris season homerun crown.

All-in-all, the Cobeus people still live a simple life, not worried about the discovery of two new monkeys in their region, and not worried about whether or not Barry Bonds ever surpasses Hank Aaron as homerun king. They’re happy with their tobacco pouches, primitive tattoos, and the smell of human flesh roasting in their fire pit. Maybe we can all learn a little something from a group of individuals like this. For example, did you know that we taste a lot like fully-developed veal? Really, it’s a mild and good meat, and quite tender. Very much like veal in color, texture, and smell. Or so they told me.

 For more by this author, see McNewsy .

Thursday, August 02, 2007 8667
Children are very impressionable, which is why corporate America is producing programs such as Lil’ Einsteins that promote capitalism, fear, and the status quo instead of a progressive ideal that is natural to children. Children should be safe from television shows that force such concepts as racism, waste, objectivity of women, and patriarchy, but with Lil’ Einsteins, none of us are safe.
Sunday, December 18, 2016 22394
Mere days after the company that owns Jagermeister liqueur accused the Milwaukee Bucks of using a deer logo too similar in design to its own deer head, Jesus of Nazareth has joined the dispute by claiming Jagermeister 's logo is not without fault. According to Jesus, "I said unto the people @Jagermeister in a tweet, 'Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.' I sometimes kind of imply meaning instead of coming out and saying it, so my lawyers have suggested I explain what I meant." Jesus said that his legal team sent notice to Jagermeister stating that it's use of the Christian Cross logo was an infringement. Furthermore, it states that permission for use of the cross in logos for alcoholic beverages had been revoked, with the exception of red table wine and beers bottled by monks. Jesus' legal team, headed by Adam Steinberg, added some details: "Generally, Jesus prefers to turn the other cheek when it comes to any misuse of Christian icons. However, Jagermeister's singling out of the Milwaukee Bucks drew the ire of not only the Son but also the Father. Quoth Jesus, "Dad was like, 'they have logo copyrights to a deer head? Next they will claim to own all the logos with sparrows or lilies of the field.'" While it's true the new Bucks logo has some similarities to the deer head in question, it is also true that God is sick and tired of endless litigation requiring sworn statements. To a lesser degree, the use of religious icons for clearly non religious purposes has been a pet peeve of Jesus for at least a millennia. "I don't know what Jagermeister wants to say about Me, but to imply I support Jagerbombs and the immoral behavior associated with binge drinking is an incorrect assumption on the part of the company. At least the Milwaukee Bucks logo uses a cute implied basketball on top of the deer's rack rather than a symbol incongruous with their mission." A spokesman for the Bucks said, "We were copying the Bulls logo and had no intention to steal any other logo. I mean, how many ways can a freakin' deer be drawn?" Jesus agrees; sayeth the Lord, "The logo is not implying it's some kind of false god. It's just a deer with a basketball. This does not offend Me."

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