West Allis

The city of West Allis, after years of trying really hard, has decided to give up. The city has been ridiculed by others for some time, and though giving up never seemed to be an option before, it recently read an article about why people give up that made all the difference. "I was just searching the internet at the West Allis Public library when I found this article about why people give up," West Allis said in a recent interview. "I identified with those same concerns, but I just didn't see a way to avoid surrendering, so I did." Here's the list of reasons people give up and why West Allis has decided to join the throngs of humans who have done the same:

1. They want the outcome more than they want to obtain a skill.

People want to get a better job without knowing how to do that job. It's easy if you have a rich uncle who owns a family business, but West Allis's richest uncle (Milwaukee) can barely keep things together. West Allis wants to be seen as a place for young couples to raise their families, but the small homes and weird neighbors are not welcoming to young professionals. "I tried building some nice, new apartments, but Milwaukee and Wauwatosa were doing the same thing, and that's where people want to be," claims West Allis.

2. They care too much about what people think (and fear judgment in failure).

West Allis gets ridiculed by the big city next to it and other suburbs alike. "You think it doesn't hurt when you say 'Dirty Stallis' or chant 'Westallions!' while your team pummels our high school team, but it does hurt. Words hurt, Brookfield," says West Allis. Back when West Allis could still win at high school sports and had industries that were not shuddered, the residents could point to the scoreboard or laugh on their walk to work, but years of judgment for perceived failure has turned into more years of judgment for actual failure. "I keep the roads plowed and the streets relatively safe, but people still think there's something wrong here," said the city.

3. They mistake failure for lessons learned. 

West Allis claims that it has learned lessons over the years, like when the school system basically went bankrupt. The problem is that the lesson, even if it was learned, doesn't get enrollment up, and there's still no money. "People don't want to send their kids to our schools, then the schools blow through money faster than a North Shore patron at Heartbreakers, so now there's no money and no kids, so there's no lesson," says the inner-ring suburb. "That's failure, right?"

4. They would rather throw in the towel than pivot. 

West Allis claims it has tried to pivot before, like turning the former Allis-Chalmers plant into a high-end shopping center and business park. "We couldn't help that Kmart, Dollar Tree, and Burlington didn't bring in the fancy shoppers from out of the area," argues the city. "We even call it the 'Towne Center' to make it seem fancier. The next step would be to call it the Towne Centre, but whatever. I'm done pivoting."

5. They do not have the discipline to stick with their idea long enough to see it live. 

West Allis says it has stuck to the idea of an affordable community minutes from nicer communities for years. "The problem is that people still want to move on up to The Falls or West Bend or Muskego," says the towne. "Those people who move out there have nicer homes and schools, and lower taxes, and nicer air quality, and fewer problems with their neighbors, but..., aw forget it!"

6. They get distracted by what someone else is doing. 

"Hell, yeah, I get distracted by all the nice amenities going in around the area while I'm stuck with Hobo and an old-ass Menards store being my main draw to residents from other areas," admits Stallis. People come here to buy used cars from stereotypical used car salesmen, and then they get those cars serviced by one of my many auto shops, and then they stop to get a drink at one of my many bars, and then they go home."

7. They don't believe in themselves enough. 

"You know what, I used to believe. This was a city founded on the belief that every factory worker could live in his own home with nice built-ins and even stained-glass windows on a 45 x 120 lot, near parks and schools. It's the people who don't believe in that model anymore. They want half-acre lots and houses with usable basements and no glass on the sidewalks. If that's what it's come to, I don't want to believe!"

West Allis has said it will continue to be a city until a suitable replacement is named. It plans to become a senior-living community in Florida when that occurs.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 12688
The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel plans to announce that its entire news staff will be replaced by the community columnists it has been using in its editorial section because of the popularity of the concept. A press release indicated that readership numbers have increased since the pilot program of using real Milwaukee-area writers began. These writers use little or no research and have no ethical responsibility for what they write, but the readers have seen the articles as more interesting than the normal news.
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Real Wisconsin News has made it official policy to extend our thoughts and prayers to you at this difficult time. We know you are suffering, and we realize that a real discussion might help you to cope with how you feel, but we would rather offer thoughts and prayers. The thoughts have now moved on to a top ten list of amazing photos we never knew existed. The prayers were more of a metaphor from the start. Both were offered because that is what will make you believe you are special to us, so please allow us to reiterate our desire to submit our thoughts and prayers to you and your loved ones. Bob Costas may or may not have coined the use of thoughts and prayers to express his deepest sympathy after the 1989 San Francisco earthquake. However, by the mid 1990s, thoughts and prayers were being sent out by all local and national media, as well as nearly 9 in 10 politicians. Bill Clinton, after realizing that saying he felt others' pain was seen as disingenuous, began offering thoughts and prayers. By 2001, the United States was so entrenched in offering thoughts and prayers that no other form of sympathy would be offered until a little known newscaster a decade later said that he knew his thoughts and prayers were not enough to offer in the wake of yet another school shooting. The media was briefly thrown into turmoil as it looked for something more appropriate following monthly disasters requiring thoughts and prayers. However, no replacement has been articulated since the initial shockwave and indictment. Donald Trump will, no doubt, be expected to grieve with Americans when people are maimed or killed. As a candidate who won based on negating political correctness, many have asked whether he will continue using thoughts and prayers to empathize with his fellow Americans. There is a movement in the NBA, where names are often shortened, to abbreviate thoughts and prayers to TnP, as in, "Hey, man, I heard your cousin died. TnP, DJ." With Trump's preference for Twitter over press conferences, it's possible Americans will see something like this: School shooting was a horrible disaster. Teachers need guns. #TnP to all. I'm having steak for dinner #Trumprules Until Trump does shake up how we offer condolences, Real Wisconsin News would like to offer our continuous thoughts and prayers for the following situations affecting your lives: Natural disasters, cancer or disease, financial troubles, death of a loved one, getting shot, being bullied, erectile dysfunction, deployed soldiers, accidents, general pain, divorce, and your choice of any other heartbreaking situation for which we sincerely offer our thoughts and prayers. We, by rule, do not offer thoughts or prayers to those who are foreigners (unless attacked by terrorists or natural disaster), those who are incarcerated, or those who cause the situation for which we are offering said thoughts and prayers.

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