All Other Nominees to Call Their Lawyers

 

Kewaunda “Ke-Ke” Watson of Germantown has Won the Society of Unified Entities’ Race Card Playa of the Decade Award for her “consistent and successful use of the race card in reaching her own personal goals.” Every ten years, thousands of African Americans, mostly women, nominate themselves for the awards based on past accomplishments.

Watson joins an elite list of past winners, including Oprah Winfrey, who won after she started getting white, suburban moms to say, “You go girl!” However, the award is not meant only to reward those who have achieved celebrity status. In fact, most Race Card Playa Nominees are known only to their co-workers and various local lawmakers. In essence, this is a lifetime achievement award, since evidence has no statute of limitations and no means by which it can be verified. In fact, tall tales of personal conquests lend themsleves well to the spirit of the award. A review of the nomination sent to the committee by Watson reveals the following:

  1. Watson grew up in Menomonee Falls yet claims to be originally from Milwaukee in order to demonstrate her own ability to come a long way.
  2. She attended MFHS and “acted bad” in the hallways. If confronted by teachers, she claimed they were being racist.
  3. She applied to and received several college scholarships earmarked for African Americans, most of which were created to help those with financial need. She established this status by claiming she lived with her maternal grandmother on Milwaukee’s North Side.
  4. In college, she once filibustered during a class discussion in English 321 about The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, claiming it was racist and that the professor was racist for using the book. She also said she would not read the book, said she would take it up with the administration if she was forced to read the book or if she was graded lower because she was singled out by the professor, who in turn gave her an A.
  5. In college, she would meet with professors after receiving low grades in order to explain why her poor study skills were a result of misbehaving students and teachers who didn’t give a shit from back in high school.
  6. In college, while working towards her social work degree, she only showed up for class group work meetings sporadically and told the white members of her group that they’d better write the paper if they wanted a good grade. When she was once placed in a group with two other African Americans, they told her she was lazy and gave them a bad name, so she went to the Dean and said the professor was racist for putting all the black students in one group, after which time she was placed in a new group.
  7. At her internship, she went to the board of directors, claiming her supervisor was racist when he cited her numerous times for showing up late and leaving early. She also claimed the job was set up as to discriminate against anyone who had to use public transportation (which she did not use).
  8. At her first job at a nursing home, working third shift, she claimed all the old white people said nasty things to her at night when no one else was around, and she was granted a first shift position.
  9. At her wedding, she called the DJ service to claim the DJ was racist because he was a white guy who yelled, “Damn, Baby-Girl!” when a bridesmaid fought for and won the bouquet; received a discount.
  10. At the birth of her child, she used “some white girl’s” phone number on documents. When the bills went unpaid, the owner of the phone number received dozens of phone calls from bill collectors. While this is not exactly playing the race card and was detrimental to her own credit, it was seen as a devious use of the system for potential personal gain by the selection committee.
  11. When running a daycare out of her grandmother’s house, she received state money for working mothers, whether or not the children showed up. Ke-Ke made enough money for a new Mercedes and a large down payment on a house in Germantown. Her grandmother was investigated by government officials who could not determine if any fraud had occurred.
  12. When putting an offer in on a house in Germantown, she told the realtor that she heard white folks didn’t like to sell to people like her, and that she knew who to contact if she found out the house sold to someone else; she got the house.
  13. She was named as the owner of a minority-run small business, even though she had nothing to do with the business. The business won minority-only contracts, and she received extra income for several years.
  14. When her daughter was not supposed to get a bus to her local public school because she lived within the two-mile limit, Ke-Ke went to the school board and said that her people fought to win the right to ride the bus and they better not take that right away from her daughter. She was granted a special exception.
  15. As the only African American white collar employee at her Waukesha County firm, she asked for and received the added position of Director of Diversity for a 20% raise. She sends out monthly website links to articles on diversity.
  16. She talks using Black English Vernacular when she wants get her way by use of intimidation at work. However, she stresses that this can only be done a couple of times per month. “People who talk like they’re from the hood from day one end up back in the hood without a job real quick, but if you talk like a white person and then slap em upside the head with ebonics, it’s like EF Hutton showed up.”
  17. She keeps her daughter’s teachers on their best behavior with monthly veiled threats. “I don’t come out and tell them they’re racist and I’m going to sue all the time. I’d rather tell them that saying my daughter is lazy might seem racist or that accidentally bumping into her is the kind of thing that could get a teacher fired.” Watson says that her daughter is on the fast track to success because of her own effective playing of the race card at school. “She knows that liberal white folks are the best targets, and no one is more liberal than teachers. No teacher wants to get reprimanded for being racist, so playing the race card in a public school is an automatic win. That’s my job as a parent: to teach my daughter all I have learned.”

The Society of Unified Entities will present Ke-Ke with the gift of a “charged-up” SNAP card worth over $250 and an actual laminated race card.

Saturday, February 27, 2016 35795
New College Plan To Reflect Walker's Own College Career The new three-year Walker Degree to be offered at state colleges and universities is part of Scott Walker’s plan to bolster Wisconsin’s already elite standing as a top college state. The plan, expected to provide employers with a considerable increase in available college graduates, will also provide many students who gave up because they were either stupid or unmotivated another chance to succeed. Walker says it’s a win-win for the state of Wisconsin. Studies that go unread by most students who drop out of college indicate that most students who drop out maintained a lower GPA than those who remained in school. These studies also indicate that students who study and take school seriously stand a better chance of graduating, even if they are only going for a degree as simplistic as social work or sports marketing. However, Wisconsin is suffering from what is known as a brain drain, wherein people with college degrees tend to leave for states with more progressive policies related to women, children, and freaks of all kinds. According to Walker, the best way to fix this brain drain is to issue more college diplomas, allowing college juniors to graduate early in order to go pro. “I learned that a below-average college student can go on to be the best governor since Ronald Reagan,” said Walker. “How many future Tommy Thompsons or Paul Ryans are stuck hating all of their liberal professors and addicted to high-speed streaming porn? Or even future Barack Obamas: hard-working immigrant Muslims who lack the funds to finish one more year and might then turn to radicalism.” The new degree will be sanctioned by the state and include such classes as True Americanism in History; Economics: No Government is Good Government; Real Heroes: Ronald Reagan; This Land is Our Land: A Revisionist History of Native Americans; Realistic Art; Black Studies: How Hip-Hop Ruined America; Women’s Studies: Stop Whining; News Media: How FOX News Saved Our Country; and many more still in the works. Since many college professors balk at the accelerated curriculum and conservative content, teachers will be appointed by the state if necessary. “If a professor cannot handle teaching an NRA-sponsored elective on gun safety and rights, we can find a fully-qualified high school graduate to man the helm,” said Walker. “The right education will allow all Wisconsinites to make informed decisions that will make our state a leader, not a follower. For example, our Gay Studies class will demonstrate how homosexuality is a disorder that can be treated, and that will lead to a lot of people getting better. And that's good for Wisconsin.” When asked if the courses being offered in the new Walker Degree would be politicized, the governor said they would not. “True education has no political party. Unlike the Common Core or liberal-minded professors, our classes will provide usable information and skills for all students. Our Business offering Outsourcing 101, for example, will give real instructions to real people on how to sell their ideas at a profit. That’s what students want out of college.” Walker has stated that all students who have earned at least 90 college credits since 1980 will also be given the Walker Degree, and that would include himself. “It’s more than an honorary degree,” he said. “This means that Wisconsin will finally recognize the hard work done by thousands of college attendees who could not pass up other opportunities. It means that hard working individuals, like myself, will not be punished for having loftier goals than spending four or more years listening to rhetoric from professors. And that means Wisconsin is moving forward.”
Tuesday, July 17, 2007 18791
Milwaukee Public Schools will begin its scaling down of actual education in its schools in order to better reproduce the criminal justice system its students are preparing themselves for. The latest budget has job losses in all areas except for social workers, psychologists, safety assistants, and nurses. Teachers will be teaching more students for more hours with less help, but the plan is for the psychologists and social workers to convince students to behave better. If that doesn’t work, of course, the safety assistants are specially trained to subdue students without the use of plastic handcuffs, pepper spray, or knowledge of martial arts by saying things like, “Don’t you make me get up out this desk!” If the safety assistants are useless, the nurses can offer ice packs for black eyes.

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