While at a hotel in Philadelphia several weeks ago, I was surprised by Hillary Clinton. She was not the robot I’d come to expect.. As I rode the elevator next to her, I couldn’t help but glance her way. Though she seemed weak from her apparent pneumonia and her face was more weathered than I’d remembered, there was a twinkle in her eyes as she said hello to me.

Floor after floor, her perfume wafting towards me, I felt as if she was trying to say something to me, a die-hard Republican. She coughed flirtatiously several times. Just as the elevator stopped on my floor, I thought I saw her checking me out as I held my Wall Street Journal near my loins. Something had caught her eye, and I figured it was my $4000 suit, tailored to fit me perfectly...everywhere. And then, just as we were about to part forever, she said it: “I wish I could convince people I really want to help them.”

She didn’t tell me my suit would look good on the floor next to her bed or that I reminded her of a movie star like oh-so-many women do. Instead, she was responding to an op-ed in my newspaper. And her words touched me inappropriately. She is a Clinton who coined the failed vast right wing conspiracy; now part of the vast left wing conspiracy. Could she really care about people? Even if it was a ruse, could she really care about what I think in order to pretend just for me? I wanted her to stop. I could not bring myself to say no, but she could tell I was uncomfortable. “Make sure you vote,” she said, knowing full-well that she had grabbed me just a bit too roughly. Me, retracing each line on her face as I exited to the hallway, feeling dirty for hearing her and believing her.

Could this woman who I have compared to the devil in multiple Tweets really care about me? Or was I just a prop, used to fulfill some kind of sick fantasy? I know she won’t return my calls, so I don’t bother, but I also will never be the same again. No amount of time will be able to heal my wounds. However, my new BMW Alpina B7 will help me to move on.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 15102
The state of Wisconsin is currently considering adding another season for all you hunters out there. Now you could have the chance to legally harvest those wall mounting cardinal, finches, and orioles that have been hanging out around your bird feeder, instead of just the squirrels.Wisconsin State Representative Joel Kleefisch, a Republican and a real man, has proposed a bill that will allow the hunters of Wisconsin a chance to knock down the overpopulated songbird population. Joel stated in a recent interview, “I’m tired of having to fill my bird feeder twice a day in order to feed all those songbirds.” In light of the passing of the bill for mourning dove hunting in 2001 in the state allowing hunting of them for the first time since 1918, hunters are hoping this will also be passed. Jeb Franken stated in an interview: “I’ve been picking off them stupid squirrels for years around my feeder, but what I really want is a nice cardinal roast for supper one of these days. I hope this will be a step in the right direction.”
Thursday, September 27, 2007 5279
A laptop computer and digital camera valued at over $2,000 were stolen Sept. 11 when two men entered an unsecured off-campus residence in the 900 block of N. 17th St., saying they were undercover detectives looking for a suspect. They told the students to go into their bedrooms so the "detectives" could look for him. One student asked the men for identification at least two times. The students went into their bedrooms, and when they came out they found the items missing.

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