National, state, and local governments are paying close attention to Samsung's handling of its Note 7 debacle, taking notes on how to handle dissatisfied customers and employees. The consumer electronics giant that developed exploding phones has sent pizza to all of the stores in South Korea that have to take returns of the faulty devices, and it seems to be working. Therefore, government agencies in America are planning on similar freebies in order to smooth over policies.

Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin was the first national figure to use the pizza pill, sending out Little Caesar's pizzas to all teachers and university staff this week. The state educational system has had trouble hiring and keeping competent employees after the unprecedented budget cuts to both K12 and university public education in the state, but Walker hopes that extending the olive branch with one-topping pizzas will force the teachers to realize that the cuts were to their benefit. "How many times did unions provide a nutritious pizza lunch for those who paid dues?" Walker asked.

Similarly, the Obama Administration will be providing pizza to employees of the insurance companies that administer Obamacare plans. "This pizza is a reminder that together we can become a healthier nation. Together we can ensure the human right of health insurance is administered to all. Together we can enjoy a meal in every slice." Obama has taken heat for the use of supreme and specialty pizzas from more expensive pizza chains instead of the $5 pizzas offered by Governor Walker. However, Obama stressed that nothing is too good for the people who help Americans fulfill their dreams of healthy living.

Thursday, August 21, 2008 25760
Quick, name five lemurs who have played professional sports! Stumped? Well you are not alone. Lemurs have a long history in professional sports (Pete Sampras, for example), but many see them as inferior to their more human counterparts. This is why lemurs across the globe are celebrating Ryan Braun as one of their own, even though he’s only half lemur. The Lemur Anti-Defamation and Existence League has mounted a media frenzy over Ryan Braun because of his success as an athlete and his heritage as a prosimian. Though Braun’s father is human, his mother’s status as a lemur is enough to allow lemurs to feel a bond with him. However, Real Wisconsin News has also learned that Ryan did not grow up honoring his lemur heritage, and some hard-line lemur groups have disowned him as a hero for the masses. Zoboomafoo, spokesman for Lemurs R People 2, said, “Ryan Braun played baseball this year on Mother’s Day, which might not mean much to people, but lemurs are matriarchal, and Mother’s Day is considered our most important holiday. A true lemur would have been grooming his mother instead of going 2 for 4 with a couple of RBIs.” Though he does not talk about being a lemur, Braun has graciously allowed lemurs to be photographed with him, and even spoke at a mostly-lemur middle school in Madagascar, his mother’s homeland. The principal of the school said of Braun: “He is a true lemur to those of us who believe that even though we are generally ridiculed on the sports field, we can succeed to be more than sidekicks on television programs for comic relief. He also donated Milwaukee Brewers shirts to the entire student body, and that would cost me three years’ salary. Now all the children and lemurs can be clothed for years to come.” Braun takes the whole controversy in stride, claiming dual heritage, and not aligning himself with any one group. “It’s part of who I am,” he says. Of course, Braun is not the first athlete with dual heritage who has played for a Milwaukee team. Tyrone Hill is 1/8 vampire bat. Sam Cassell is 1/2 cricket
Tuesday, July 24, 2007 5232
American Dreaming With Dan Brubus Capitalism always wins. Pure and simple. America developed the F-14 Tomcat over many years. It was used to keep the world safe, but now it’s time to sell the leftovers to the highest bidder. Yes, the highest bidder does happen to be on my short list of countries I’d like to see blown up by next year, but we can benefit from their desire to bolster their military before we crush them. We should sell F-14 Tomcats to Iran because we have the greatest military on earth and our treasury could use the cash to help fund the war on terror.

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