New College Plan To Reflect Walker's Own College Career

The new three-year Walker Degree to be offered at state colleges and universities is part of Scott Walker’s plan to bolster Wisconsin’s already elite standing as a top college state. The plan, expected to provide employers with a considerable increase in available college graduates, will also provide many students who gave up because they were either stupid or unmotivated another chance to succeed. Walker says it’s a win-win for the state of Wisconsin.

Studies that go unread by most students who drop out of college indicate that most students who drop out maintained a lower GPA than those who remained in school. These studies also indicate that students who study and take school seriously stand a better chance of graduating, even if they are only going for a degree as simplistic as social work or sports marketing.

However, Wisconsin is suffering from what is known as a brain drain, wherein people with college degrees tend to leave for states with more progressive policies related to women, children, and freaks of all kinds. According to Walker, the best way to fix this brain drain is to issue more college diplomas, allowing college juniors to graduate early in order to go pro.

“I learned that a below-average college student can go on to be the best governor since Ronald Reagan,” said Walker. “How many future Tommy Thompsons or Paul Ryans are stuck hating all of their liberal professors and addicted to high-speed streaming porn? Or even future Barack Obamas: hard-working immigrant Muslims who lack the funds to finish one more year and might then turn to radicalism.”

The new degree will be sanctioned by the state and include such classes as True Americanism in History; Economics: No Government is Good Government; Real Heroes: Ronald Reagan; This Land is Our Land: A Revisionist History of Native Americans; Realistic Art; Black Studies: How Hip-Hop Ruined America; Women’s Studies: Stop Whining; News Media: How FOX News Saved Our Country; and many more still in the works.

Since many college professors balk at the accelerated curriculum and conservative content, teachers will be appointed by the state if necessary. “If a professor cannot handle teaching an NRA-sponsored elective on gun safety and rights, we can find a fully-qualified high school graduate to man the helm,” said Walker. “The right education will allow all Wisconsinites to make informed decisions that will make our state a leader, not a follower. For example, our Gay Studies class will demonstrate how homosexuality is a disorder that can be treated, and that will lead to a lot of people getting better. And that's good for Wisconsin.”

When asked if the courses being offered in the new Walker Degree would be politicized, the governor said they would not. “True education has no political party. Unlike the Common Core or liberal-minded professors, our classes will provide usable information and skills for all students. Our Business offering Outsourcing 101, for example, will give real instructions to real people on how to sell their ideas at a profit. That’s what students want out of college.”

Walker has stated that all students who have earned at least 90 college credits since 1980 will also be given the Walker Degree, and that would include himself. “It’s more than an honorary degree,” he said. “This means that Wisconsin will finally recognize the hard work done by thousands of college attendees who could not pass up other opportunities. It means that hard working individuals, like myself, will not be punished for having loftier goals than spending four or more years listening to rhetoric from professors. And that means Wisconsin is moving forward.”  

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