Arthur Civellio, a local photographer, believes he and a few of his competitors have stumbled onto the next fad in photography that he hopes will be bigger than middle school airbrushing, weird kid reflection photos, or senior pic slut portfolios.Arthur will be establishing a new business plan that captures many of his former clients who will be making a second big transition: divorce.

Arthur tried to break into the pregnancy picture world of photography, but he realized that only about 10% of couples who have babies want photos of Mommy when she’s as big as the living room couch. Besides, draping Daddy all over her like she is the living room couch has always seemed a bit odd to the photographer, who says he prefers more standard glam photos of expectant mothers beached on the lakefront. Either way, it’s not a lucrative business because so few couples get the photos done, never get them for a second pregnancy (when Mommy tends to get as big as a minivan), and some couples never even have babies.

Baby photos are great, but most families only splurge on the first child, then figure out they could send the second kid to college for the amount they spent on quarterly photo shoots for baby. That’s if they even have a second child, which is less common if the marriage is already on the rocks, unless they have the second one to save the marriage. But that usually doesn’t work, anyhow, so a seasoned photographer knows a single child is about all he’ll get out of a couple and might even delete the couple from the mailing list afterwards.

Weddings are not as lucrative as they once were, probably because so many people realize how useless all those photos will be when their bliss ends in divorce court. Have you ever heard of any couple arguing over who gets to keep the wedding pictures? A lot of the weddings end up being someone’s second or third, and those couples just don’t care as much about the full array of photo opportunities, especially since Grandpa’s no longer around for the big family reunion pic. Granted, couples do tend to hire photographers, even for a fourth wedding, but many times it’s a family friend with an SLR by that point.

The new trend in divorce photo shoots allow individuals to show aspects of themselves not seen in family photos, all while preparing for the online dating scene or for the need to update Linkedin or Facebook so that they look happy without the old ball and chain. In fact, a standard shot includes an action photo of the subject throwing a biodegradable ball and chain into a waterfalls or at a prized possession, like a pickup truck.

Divorce shoots focus on individuality. If a husband really enjoyed watching the football game, but his wife always tried to make him visit the inlaws on weekends, the photographer might do a shoot at a local sporting event or just on the couch. “Some guys just want to relax with a cold beer and pick their toenails and calluses on their feet,” said local photographer Jane Moore. “If he wants to send a series of photos of himself sitting in various chairs with his robe on, smoking a cigar, I’ll shoot it.” Women tend to focus on activities like reading or pretending to be characters from books they’ve read. ‘You’d be surprised how many women have requested Regency-era dresses,” said Moore. Mostly, however, men and women can agree that the photo shoots depict doing activities their spouses detested. While a man might head to a gentlemen’s club for a shoot and a woman might go horseback riding on the beach, the result is a happy customer.


Divorce photo shoots often incorporate a new relationship as part of the theme. Since these relationships don’t tend to last, photographers are weary of making them the focal point. However, it is understood that a Facebook post with a new flame looking hot is a definite selling point. “I usually tell customers to have the new boyfriend or girlfriend show up for part of the shoot and wear something the spouse would never have worn, like tall leather boots or tight pants. We also try to call attention to tattoos or piercings,” claimed Civellio. Clients see it a double bonus if the photos are of the new significant other participating in the activities the spouse refused to do, like attending the ballet together.

Newly-divorced clients love to get photos with their kids. Taking family photos without the person who nearly ruined your life (but gave you the kids you love) is seen as an opportunity to move on without abandoning the family. “People love their kids. Moms and dads both do. And they love getting those professionally-taken photos to show the ex just how much more the kids are loved by one over the other,” said Moore. Dad’s might feed the kids food laden with gluten and yellow dyes. Moms might play a gameof catch with a youngster. Mostly, the point is to show that the family will no longer be sad and hateful now that the monster is out of the picture, literally.

Here are some sample shots from local photographers:

Sunday, February 25, 2018 12926
Plans for new schools will be adopted all over the nation in response to President Trump’s suggestion that they be more secure. The new schools will ensure that students are able to learn without fear of being targeted by fellow students with assault rifles. These schools will be able to protect students in an environment conducive to learning. However, the added security will come at a cost. Fort Trump High School Old schools will be retrofitted and new schools will be built to the following specifications: The Keep--This is where the school office will be located. It’s the tallest and strongest tower. Armed guards will have a view in all directions from here. If all else fails, all students can retreat to the keep. The Moat--Water surrounding the school in order to make sure only authorized personnel are allowed in or out. The Towers--Each school should have at least four towers, but these should be rounded so that invading gunmen can’t knock them down by the foundation. These towers will provide an excellent vantage point for archers. As a side note, archery will be taught as a gym class as an important life skill and as a way to man the towers with students. The Gatehouse--A single, fortified entryway will be designed into every school. The drawbridge will be lowered at the beginning of the school day and up until the start of classes, at which point the structure will be sealed for the day. The Barbican--This passageway will lead to the gatehouse, but any gunmen trapped in here can be doused with boiling oil or other traps. The Great Hall--This is where all of the learning will occur. Most schools will divide this space into classrooms, but confining all students in one central location helps to keep them safer, since the hall will have several armed law enforcement officers. Weaponry It’s recommended that the modern American high school be armed in a way that can thwart an assault by any deranged individual with a military-grade assault equipment. This includes miniguns, Katanas, black powder cannons, crossbows, grenade launchers, nunchucks, spearguns, chain whips, and AR-15s. All legal for perpetrators. Therefore, the armed guards stationed at each tower, including the Keep, the gatehouse, and throughout the Great Hall. Conversely, well-trained teachers like John Kelly could staff the guard posts during their prep periods. All guns for schools can be purchased through reputable gun dealers associated with the NRA. The building boom will result in trillions of dollars for new fortress schools, as well as millions of dollars in new gun purchases, fully capable of jumpstarting the economy. As an added bonus, some schools will serve dual purpose as prisons, local armories, and neighborhood fortresses for protection against terrorist attacks.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016 17897
After Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky by getting blow jobs, male students across the country began using The Slick Willie argument with their female classmates, and fellatio became a part of the normal high school rite of passage in the late 90s (to the dismay of all males who graduated in the early 90s). A similar phenomenon is beginning to occur at schools, including those with conservative values: spying on naked girls, uncontrollable kissing, and pussy grabbing. It’s the result of Donald Trump’s revelation that doing this to women is one of his favorite activities. While male high school students have always wanted sex, they have generally asked for it or hoped that situations, such as prom, would naturally lead to it. Bill Clinton’s revolutionary take on sexual relations made oral sex more palatable for young women, leading to such possible events as rainbow parties. These impressionable girls saw a man they respected saying it was not sexual to perform oral sex, so they could feel confident that it was fine to do so. Similarly, young men who respect Donald Trump for his wealth, power, and honesty are now taking his advice about relationships. Guidance counselors all over the nation are reporting an uptick in boys calling girls names, such as fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals. Sometimes worse. However, bullying is nothing new. There is also a notable increase in peeping in locker rooms because of recent allegations that Donald Trump owned beauty pageants so he could look at naked women and girls, though there’s always been such shenanigans. Uncontrollable kissing and pussy grabbing are very new, however, and they are being treated as criminal, even if it’s something The Donald does at will. One high school girl claims she was assaulted by a boy she barely knew during physical education class. “He didn’t even say anything. He just started kissing my neck and cheek while I was waiting for class to start. And then he put his hand on my privates.Gross!” One element that has not been repeated at the nation’s schools is the act of “grabbing” the pussy. All reports have involved touching, rubbing, or attempted digital penetration. By definition, grabbing is “to grasp or seize suddenly and roughly.” While this did happen to the penis of one young man who touched a classmate’s pussy region, no reports of actual pussy grabbing have been reported. Dr. Pam Schmeer explains, “According to Yahoo Answers, the pussy and vagina are interchangeable terms, but the pussy often refers to both internal and external parts of female genitalia, meaning Donald Trump would have been referring to the vulva, or the external part, that includes the labia and clitorus.” The doctor went on to explain that grabbing the pussy lips, even for someone with extremely small hands, would be difficult given the fact that the external parts of the pussy do not protrude out very far. She suggested 2-5mm. She also suggested a grab would not be as much of a turn on as a foot massage, running hands gently through one's hair, or ear licking. That said, gym teachers all over the nation are using grab-puss instead of grab-ass to describe students not working on the task at hand, as in, “Hey, gentlemen, could you stop playing grab-puss long enough to finish your stretching?” Whereas men were allowed to “goose” women decades ago without so much as a lawsuit, the consensus is that if Trump becomes president, men can expect a handful of pussy whenever they see a pretty face. While Donald Trump asserts that all women whose pussies were grabbed were willing participants in his dalliances, some have called for an investigation. However, no woman has come forward to confirm her pussy was grabbed by Donald Trump against her will, suggesting that Trump was correct in his assertion that money and power leads to pussy being there for the grabbing. Unfortunately, most high school boys have neither money nor power, so these young men will be the ones to pay by being added to the sex offender registry for the next two decades.

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