from 2008, lost in the bin

Now that the 2008 Presidential Election is at an end, the GOP has released several ideas to help the process in the future, from which President Bush will make an executive order before the end of his term. The changes will include loosening all limits on campaign financing, ending the use of affirmative action to elect officials, and a restructuring of the electorate based on county physical size.

Everyone knows that McCain was the co-sponsor of something about campaign finance with Russ “Do I look too liberal in these pants?” Feingold, and that’s why he lost the election. McCain decided to adhere to his own ideals, while Obama went ahead and spent money like a Republican at war, or at a brothel in Taipei. Most analysts believe that Obama bought the election in some key states, and though he may have won the election regardless of spending, he did win the election and did spend more. Therefore, the GOP wants all limits on spending lifted so that the richest 5% of the country (minus Hollywood stars) can once again fully-fund the GOP machine. “We want people who are rich and will get richer under a Republican to wield their wealth like a weapon,” said a senior GOP leader with obvious talent in alliteration. “They didn’t work this hard to get outspent by a few thousand of their employees on Facebook.” The campaign finance portion will also allow for a half of all tithes given to “Christian Coalition” churches to be donated directly to candidates. “God would want it that way,” said Bush of this measure.

The often overlooked side-note to the 2008 election was Obama’s use of Affirmative Action to get elected as the nation’s first minority president. Just like many other colleges, the Electoral College has special rules for helping achieve a goal of diversification among the presidents it elects. While the algorithm used is a secret, the general idea is that each vote for Obama was counted as more than the one vote it normally would represent. This is done in order to make up for the under-representation of minorities throughout employment, education, and business. Since the federal government is an equal-opportunity employer and uses quotas to fill its jobs, the presidency was due for a meeting of this quota. The addition of Sarah Palin was meant to offset some of the effect, but a white woman is not worth as much as a black man when it comes to filling quotas. (Had McCain chosen an American Indian woman with a disability, he would have won, given the final vote count.) In addition, Obama will receive free room and board as president, as well as a free meal plan. Obama will also receive extra help in learning how to behave as president, classes President Bush claims he was not offered. Bush added this analysis: “I was left to figure it all out for myself, but the next president will get government assistance, and that’s just not fair.”

The final tallies for votes showed that Obama won the popular vote by 7%, while he won more than double the electoral votes. This statistic confounds President Bush, as many statistics tend to do. So when Bush looked at the election map by county, he was even more upset. “The map I saw didn’t even have Alaska, which is big, and McCain won 80% of the counties on the map,” said Bush. “The land in the red counties represents tax-paying individuals and corporations that are not represented at the level at which they own a percentage of the country. I own 1/115,000th of Texas, and that’s just with my little ranch of 1500 acres. Why should my county count less than, say Houston, just because a lot less people live here? My ranch is big and I pay taxes on every acre. And corporations should count as people, too, because they make decisions for people. If people’s votes were counted based on acres and businesses rather than based on people, then the president would be elected based on American principles of hard work and inheritance rather than dependence on public assistance. And remember, a low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”

Friday, February 08, 2008 33912
America is buzzing about the new diet sensation long thought to be only an eating disorder: Pica. The diet allows people to eat anything they want, as long as the food is made up of non-nutritive substances. As an added bonus, the food is inexpensive and commonly found around the house. Dr. Karen Gregory, founder of the diet, claims anyone can lose unwanted pounds by simply ingesting a multitude of substances they cannot digest. Of course, some real food is required, and the Pica Brand, Inc. is selling snack bars to fulfill that particular need. Pica as an actual eating disorder causes people to inexplicably eat such items as soil, chalk, paper, and coal, as well as food ingredients, like flour. “It’s easier than cooking, anyhow,” said one woman, who lost fifty pounds during Phase I of the diet. “I’m a teacher, so whenever I got that hungry feeling, I’d just reach for some chalk. Sometimes I’d even mix things up a bit and eat the colored chalk. It doesn’t taste any different, but I can imagine it’s fruit or candy.” While danger exists for children suffering from Pica who eat lead paint, nails, or other dangerous non-nutritive substances, adults are generally more intelligent, and can choose what they eat with more discretion. “While someone suffering from Pica might decide to eat feces or drink urine, we do not recommend those for this diet,” said Gregory. “And, honestly, the body can handle only so many metal objects, so we tend to recommend items that are not completely socially unacceptable or dangerous. Wood, ice, or hair are better alternatives. These items are all-natural, and will not add an ounce of fat to your body!” Some in the food industry are crying foul over the new diet, saying people will suffer unknown problems as a result. However, a large percentage of the food industry also uses high fructose corn syrup in the food it markets, and that particular ingredient is widely seen as not only non-nutritive, but also as non-satisfying. While a person eating tree bark or shoe leather feels somewhat satisfied after a meal, someone eating (often fat-free) items filled with high fructose corn syrup will never feel full. Gregory said, “People become obese because corn syrup can’t fill them up. No matter how strange it may seem, dirt fills you up.” Unfortunately for the people who use the Pica diet, like most other diets, the menu tastes horrible. Therefore, people will likely wean themselves off of lead-free paint chips and fried starch, and go back to potato chips and fried chicken. Gregory suggests testing to see if an individual is ready for the Pica Diet, so go ahead and eat that TPS report sitting in front of you. if you can keep it down, you may just have found the replacement for that before-lunch candy bar.
Saturday, May 28, 2011 6210
Rocky mountain high, Wisconsin! Yes, you’ve heard right. Now all the frost-brewed goodness is going to be brewed right here in the city known for people who forgot what it is to say, “When.” Being the beer connoisseur that this writer is, seeing a merger such as this can only mean one thing…terrorists have finally gotten to the last thing that is truly holy and sacred in America.

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