While  nobody really knows or cares what either The Magna Carta or The Wisconsin Idea say, both documents mean a lot to people. In fact, a tattered version of the Magna Carta, circa 1200, was found right around the same time Scott Walker was busy rewriting The Wisconsin Idea, and that old piece of English paper will probably sell for millions of dollars (though not as much as the $21 million one sold for in 2007 or 1/14th of the amount being cut from the UW-system for those keeping score).

 

However, besides saying the King is also subject to the laws of the land, do you know what the Magna Carta really says? Yep, that's the right answer. It doesn't really matter, partially because it's not our king and not our land. Additionally, did a large portion of the people in Wisconsin know what The Wisconsin Idea really said and how it was being changed, or why it even mattered? Nope. Do UW-system students learn it like a fight song? Do they learn fight songs?

 

According to THE authoritative Yahoo Answers, The Wisconsin idea, at least partially said this: "The boundaries of the University are the boundaries of the state." It also likely added Progressive mumbo-jumbo from some time in history called The Progressive Era, but that's probably not ringing any bells for you, either. Real Wisconsin News's definition of Progressive is a Socialist who is smart enough to call himself something else, like Obama.

 

Scott Walker, looking to demonstrate his ability to bring both sides of the aisle together, was simply trying to update the beloved document. You know, freshen it up, like how Act 10 and Right to Work freshen up the workplace. Real Wisconsin News has been allowed to see the edits of the wording of The Wisconsin Idea as it was planned to occur over the next four years. While Walker's staff also had newly discovered photos of Bob LaFollette and a Russian call-girl, the main body of work dealt with the nearly meaningless Wisconsin Idea catchphrase--"The boundaries of the University are the boundaries of the state. Basic to every purpose of the system is the search for truth to extend knowledge and its application beyond the boundaries of its campuses." Or something mostly like that.

 

Year one. The plan was to slightly change the wording to better reflect an academic mission for the UW schools: "The boundaries of the University are the boundaries of the state. Basic to every purpose of the system is the readying of students for the workforce beyond the boundaries of the campuses."

 

Year two . The idea in year two was to remind UW-system employees of their place. "The boundaries of the University are the buildings in which the University is housed. Basic to every purpose of the system is the readying of students for the workforce beyond the boundaries of the campuses."

 

Year three.  "The University must improve based on a continuous improvement business model. Basic to every purpose of the system is the readying of students for the workforce in the private sector."

 

Year four. "The state will improve the University using metrics based on a continuous improvement business model. The private sector businesses will decide how the readying of students for the workforce shall occur."

 

When asked if his edits were a bit Orwellian, Walker said, "While I have seen parts of Citizen Kane because a high school film teacher made me watch it, I relate much better to Forrest Gump for some reason."

 

Thursday, September 27, 2007 10057
A nylon bag with an English 101 pamphlet, total value of $4, was reported stolen Sept. 10 from outside the Union Bookstore.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016 17291
After Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky by getting blow jobs, male students across the country began using The Slick Willie argument with their female classmates, and fellatio became a part of the normal high school rite of passage in the late 90s (to the dismay of all males who graduated in the early 90s). A similar phenomenon is beginning to occur at schools, including those with conservative values: spying on naked girls, uncontrollable kissing, and pussy grabbing. It’s the result of Donald Trump’s revelation that doing this to women is one of his favorite activities. While male high school students have always wanted sex, they have generally asked for it or hoped that situations, such as prom, would naturally lead to it. Bill Clinton’s revolutionary take on sexual relations made oral sex more palatable for young women, leading to such possible events as rainbow parties. These impressionable girls saw a man they respected saying it was not sexual to perform oral sex, so they could feel confident that it was fine to do so. Similarly, young men who respect Donald Trump for his wealth, power, and honesty are now taking his advice about relationships. Guidance counselors all over the nation are reporting an uptick in boys calling girls names, such as fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals. Sometimes worse. However, bullying is nothing new. There is also a notable increase in peeping in locker rooms because of recent allegations that Donald Trump owned beauty pageants so he could look at naked women and girls, though there’s always been such shenanigans. Uncontrollable kissing and pussy grabbing are very new, however, and they are being treated as criminal, even if it’s something The Donald does at will. One high school girl claims she was assaulted by a boy she barely knew during physical education class. “He didn’t even say anything. He just started kissing my neck and cheek while I was waiting for class to start. And then he put his hand on my privates.Gross!” One element that has not been repeated at the nation’s schools is the act of “grabbing” the pussy. All reports have involved touching, rubbing, or attempted digital penetration. By definition, grabbing is “to grasp or seize suddenly and roughly.” While this did happen to the penis of one young man who touched a classmate’s pussy region, no reports of actual pussy grabbing have been reported. Dr. Pam Schmeer explains, “According to Yahoo Answers, the pussy and vagina are interchangeable terms, but the pussy often refers to both internal and external parts of female genitalia, meaning Donald Trump would have been referring to the vulva, or the external part, that includes the labia and clitorus.” The doctor went on to explain that grabbing the pussy lips, even for someone with extremely small hands, would be difficult given the fact that the external parts of the pussy do not protrude out very far. She suggested 2-5mm. She also suggested a grab would not be as much of a turn on as a foot massage, running hands gently through one's hair, or ear licking. That said, gym teachers all over the nation are using grab-puss instead of grab-ass to describe students not working on the task at hand, as in, “Hey, gentlemen, could you stop playing grab-puss long enough to finish your stretching?” Whereas men were allowed to “goose” women decades ago without so much as a lawsuit, the consensus is that if Trump becomes president, men can expect a handful of pussy whenever they see a pretty face. While Donald Trump asserts that all women whose pussies were grabbed were willing participants in his dalliances, some have called for an investigation. However, no woman has come forward to confirm her pussy was grabbed by Donald Trump against her will, suggesting that Trump was correct in his assertion that money and power leads to pussy being there for the grabbing. Unfortunately, most high school boys have neither money nor power, so these young men will be the ones to pay by being added to the sex offender registry for the next two decades.

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