First off, I have to say I’m sorry for stumbling into the house all late with Cal the other night. Really, it was totally mean, even though it was the weekend and you didn’t have to get up for anything. And you’d never really complained about my late hours too much before. Anyway, like I said, I’m sorry, and I do appreciate the fact that you let me stay here while I’m in college and all that, and that you clean my room for me when I can’t find the floor.

So we were slamming the cabinets a little bit, but it was only because we were so hungry and you hadn’t bought the chips I’d asked for, so we were searching around for something to munch on. And you come out there to the kitchen and are all, “Damn you to hell, Bob,” and turned around and went to bed. Of course, Cal looked at me and said, “Dude, your mom just damned you to hell,” and at the time all I could do was giggle. After thinking on it for a while, though, I believe that was going a bit far. I mean, God could’ve been dozing off or something and woke up just in time to hear that and struck me dead right there for disobeying the Commandment with a promise. Wouldn’t you have felt bad, especially after I put that stupid entertainment center together for you last month?

And all this right before Mother’s Day and all. Am I supposed to go out and get you a mommy heart necklace, or maybe a Bible, so next time you can throw it at me as you damn me to hell? After I got over my hangover, I was so bummed out from being damned that I couldn’t even study for exams or mow the lawn or anything. I’m not even sure you really have the authority to send me to eternal damnation, but maybe next time you’ll consider that possibility before you go around casting the first stone and all that. By the way, where are you taking me when we go out for Mother’s Day?

Dude, read more articles here:

 

Sunday, May 25, 2008 41282
Weeks after film star and National Rifle Association spokesman Charlton Heston died, authorities were finally able to separate him from his gun. Mr. Heston had apparently been sleeping with the 1873 Winchester Rifle, sometimes claiming he was “going home” with the gun. Unfortunately and ironically, Heston cannot be buried with the gun because of state laws, and because he had promised the gun to the NRA to be auctioned off. In an interview with Real Wisconsin News, NRA President John C. Sigler said that he felt terrible that they had to exhume the body and pry the gun from Heston’s hands, but since the law had forbade the burial and an eBay auction would likely pay his salary for the year, the only choice was to “retrieve the gun for the rights of all mankind.” California had initially allowed the burial to take place, with authorities assuming the rifle was a replica used to signify Heston’s allegiance to the NRA, not a loaded, fully-functioning rifle that nobody could pry away from the Hollywood star. California Attorney General Edmund G. Brown Jr. said that people can be buried with pretty much whatever they please, but when it’s a loaded gun, the standard grave robberies that happen to all of the stars’ bodies takes on a more sinister note. “Each Hollywood legend gets dug back up at least once—you know, some deranged fan or grave-robber, hoping the celebrity’s family didn’t take every last jewelry item to the local pawn shop. However, it’s against the California state penal code to leave a loaded weapon right where kids could get at it, and people often use the kids to go down in the holes they dig to the caskets. And let me tell you, some of the things people do to those celebrities makes me glad I’m a lawyer and not a star, and that says a lot coming from a lawyer.” One detail that complicated the retrieval of the gun was the fact that Heston had been buried in his gun safe, and instead of the normal pry-open-wearing-a-mask scenario, the Beverly Hills SWAT Team had to be called in to set C4 explosives on the safe. “It was a top-of-the-line model,” said Brown. “Actually, had we known exactly what Mr. Heston was buried in, we may not have attempted the exhumation, but no one at the funeral really thought the casket was a real gun safe, either.” The gun was finally retrieved, as was most of Mr. Heston. The state of California poured concrete over the safe in order to ensure the privacy Heston desired was still intact, and the gun was unloaded and given to the NRA. “Actually, the C4 did a pretty good job of severing one hand from the gun,” said Brown, “but we did have to pry it out of the other hand. I gained a lot of respect for Charlton Heston today.”
Wednesday, January 02, 2013 10672
Cliff Clavin, longtime patron of Cheers bar, is said to be no longer welcome to step up to the bar where everybody knows his name as "Fiscal Cliff." The other patrons at the bar had been complaining that they had to spend their time drinking away their problems next to a mail carrier whose salary "rapes our wallets." Norm, often seen as Cliff's best bar friend, had this to say: "Being a straight painter who works for myself, I can't stand freeloaders who work cushy government jobs and then use my tax money to get wasted every day after work. If he wants to get drunk, then he can start his own business and use that money to buy booze." The jabs keep coming here:

Donate to Scott Walker Without a Trace

Donate using PayPal
Amount:
Note:
and

Designed by Passive Ninja