After appearing less family-oriented during the first debate for governor of Wisconsin, Mary Burke appears to have outsourced a family in order to compete with Scott Walker on family values. While the Burke campaign claims her family is legitimate and had been kept under wraps to protect its privacy, Walker’s campaign claims Burke is making a mockery of family values by outsourcing to other continents. Real Wisconsin News has delved into the backgrounds of the newly-announced Burke family.

 

 

Mary Burke, according to her campaign manager, has been married to Amadou Keita Burke from the Ivory Coast for some time now. Specifics were not given as to when the union took place. However, Mr. Burke did answer some questions when he was reached at Mrs. Burke’s residence. “We have been married for some time,” he said in a thick French-African accent. “Mary, like most women, some of whom do not like to admit it, was attracted to my big black shumen cock. I call him Monsieur Coq. He is the rooster my family had imported all the way from Bulgaria. Also, when we married, as is tradition, my family gifted Mary’s family with 40 goats to demonstrate how worthy she was as a wife.”

 

Burke’s family has not been able to substantiate the claim that they received any kickbacks from Keita’s family for Mary’s hand in marriage. Additionally, Amadou was asked why he has taken on Mary Burke’s last name. “Would Oprah take on Stedman’s name? Would Cleopatra take on Antony’s name? Would Portia take on Bassanio’s name?” was his response. “People in my village have been taking on the woman’s name in marriage for many, many years, especially when her family has more goats and chickens, and my wife owns the equivalent of many thousands of goats and chickens. Scott Walker only works for those who own billions of goats and chickens, but he himself is as poor as a drifter from Eritrea and just as likely to be seduced by a rich man for entertainment purposes.” At this, Amadou laughed for as long as it took Mary Burke to think of something positive about Scott Walker during  their first debate.

 

Mary BurkeWhen asked about the Asian child who has also suddenly become a member of the Burke family, Amadou said, “This is our love child because we love her. She is a beautiful caramel to compliment my dark chocolate and Mary’s ivory. Do not think for a moment that she is a product of an adoption mill in China or that I am a mail order husband because that would not be true. I love Mary Burke, even if she looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. Ah, I am more funny than a bridge salesman in Aoulef. Anyhow, our daughter’s name is Madison and we are getting her a “Made in America“ t-shirt to demonstrate that Mary Burke to demonstrate that all Americans want to be able to produce small, breakable, cheap items like those produced in Chinese sweatshops right here in our own sweatshops.

 

Real Wisconsin News has discovered that the t-shirt in question is made in Thailand. When asked why Mary Burke would create such an elaborate ruse in order to trick voters, Amadou ventured, “Have you seen Tonette Walker paraded in front of family-minded voters like a piece of meatloaf or the two boys prancing in front of crowds like male prostitutes at the Black Diamond in Nairobi.”

In a separate statement, Mrs. Mary Burke added: “I love my family and it's times like these, I'm proud to be an American. However, questions about our family situation are off limits and private, so I’d appreciate it if everyone can just accept Amadou, the Chinese kid, and me for who we are: the typical American family worth millions that outsources here and there in order to remain competitive.”

Friday, December 02, 2016 7301
Real Wisconsin News has made it official policy to extend our thoughts and prayers to you at this difficult time. We know you are suffering, and we realize that a real discussion might help you to cope with how you feel, but we would rather offer thoughts and prayers. The thoughts have now moved on to a top ten list of amazing photos we never knew existed. The prayers were more of a metaphor from the start. Both were offered because that is what will make you believe you are special to us, so please allow us to reiterate our desire to submit our thoughts and prayers to you and your loved ones. Bob Costas may or may not have coined the use of thoughts and prayers to express his deepest sympathy after the 1989 San Francisco earthquake. However, by the mid 1990s, thoughts and prayers were being sent out by all local and national media, as well as nearly 9 in 10 politicians. Bill Clinton, after realizing that saying he felt others' pain was seen as disingenuous, began offering thoughts and prayers. By 2001, the United States was so entrenched in offering thoughts and prayers that no other form of sympathy would be offered until a little known newscaster a decade later said that he knew his thoughts and prayers were not enough to offer in the wake of yet another school shooting. The media was briefly thrown into turmoil as it looked for something more appropriate following monthly disasters requiring thoughts and prayers. However, no replacement has been articulated since the initial shockwave and indictment. Donald Trump will, no doubt, be expected to grieve with Americans when people are maimed or killed. As a candidate who won based on negating political correctness, many have asked whether he will continue using thoughts and prayers to empathize with his fellow Americans. There is a movement in the NBA, where names are often shortened, to abbreviate thoughts and prayers to TnP, as in, "Hey, man, I heard your cousin died. TnP, DJ." With Trump's preference for Twitter over press conferences, it's possible Americans will see something like this: School shooting was a horrible disaster. Teachers need guns. #TnP to all. I'm having steak for dinner #Trumprules Until Trump does shake up how we offer condolences, Real Wisconsin News would like to offer our continuous thoughts and prayers for the following situations affecting your lives: Natural disasters, cancer or disease, financial troubles, death of a loved one, getting shot, being bullied, erectile dysfunction, deployed soldiers, accidents, general pain, divorce, and your choice of any other heartbreaking situation for which we sincerely offer our thoughts and prayers. We, by rule, do not offer thoughts or prayers to those who are foreigners (unless attacked by terrorists or natural disaster), those who are incarcerated, or those who cause the situation for which we are offering said thoughts and prayers.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007 14698
A sweet little Plymouth girl made over 100 prank phone calls in order to test the efficacy of Sheboygan’s 911 system. The young lady performed a vital public service, and should be commended for her efforts. Surely, countless lives will be saved because this little heroine took it upon herself to test the system and expose the faults that exist in our current 911 configuration, both in technology and in dealing with people. “You’d think someone would have gotten her name before she made 100 pranks for Chrissake!” said Sheboygan police officer Jim Bratz. “I mean, she’s eight—just ask her. I’m not putting those operators down or anything, but they’re freakin stupider than eight-year-olds, to be honest with you.”

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