The Green Bay Packers have requested an investigation by the NFL into the abuse the team has received at the hands of other teams so far this season. Mike McCarthy officially requested action from the league following his team's second loss of the season to the Detroit Lions. Though the Packers were not the first to get smacked around by an unemployed loved one in Detroit, the team felt it deserved better. 
"There are no acceptable excuses for the kind of abuse we've received at the hands of offensive lines against our defensive front or pass blitzes against our blocking schemes," said coach Mike McCarthy. "They've been treating Jordy Nelson like he's one of the Nelson twins and bending Clay Matthews over like he's a long-haired bitch." The team says that since the abusive situations have been caught on film, the league should be able to review the events and take appropriate action against the Packers' opponents this year. 
The Packers were able to sneak away from the Jets at home because the visiting team didn't keep both hands wrapped around Aaron Rodger's throat after having repeatedly and effectively raped the defense in the first half. Since the NFL wants to protect its image, the Packers hope that league officials will help the team avoid unsafe situations. "Just because our linemen aren't pretty enough or strong enough or smart enough does not mean that other teams have the right to throw us around like Adrian Peterson's  baby. I know that sounds really bad, and that's because it is really bad," said a random drunk fan at a bar after the Detroit game. Added Ray Rice, who is an avid Packers fan: "If I would have pimp slapped my wife in the elevator the way the Packers have gotten beat down by the Seahawks, Jets, and Lions, I would have served actual jail time rather than making speeches at spousal abuse centers. By the way, talk about a nice place to meet some women!" 
Unfortunately, people involved in abusive relationships have trouble moving on, which the Packers have proven by the team's desire to believe in Dom Capers. "He doesn't mean to hurt us," claims one defensive player who wanted to remain anonymous. "He just doesn't really know what he's doing. Besides, we're naughty and ugly and weak, so it's really our fault, anyhow." 
Wednesday, July 25, 2007 16086
The Medical College of Wisconsin, under increasing pressure from animal rights organizations, has rescinded its decision to use dogs in its animal lab. Instead, the college will use cats, horses, monkeys, and parrots as its main resource for animal testing. “Dog people are very organized,” said a spokesperson for the Medical College. The intention is to maintain the policy of testing domesticated animals that people love while not having to deal with public relations problems caused by dog owners.While people might become upset about the thought of Seabiscuit or Garfield being used for live lab work, a mere 2 million people nationwide own horses, and cat owners tend to be more prone to eating ice cream and watching “Grey’s Anatomy” than being active in politics. Compare this to the whopping 44 million households that own dogs and can’t imagine their little puppies being sliced open and hacked apart in the name of science.
Monday, October 01, 2007 14456
While some fans are disappointed with the finish to the [insert year here] Milwaukee Brewers season, team members believe they have the Chicago Cubs right where they want them. Instead of the Brewers going on to lose in the first round of the playoffs, players will be able to sit at home with their families and watch the Cubs lose in the first round.

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