The US State Department, in response to accusations that Americans are uninformed about world politics, has released a new plan to help the most powerful nation’s people to better understand the rest of the world. The method used will not include memorization or difficult tests. Rather, the United States will rename other countries, governments, and religions to make discussing them more relevant to Americans. “Most Americans sound stupid when trying to discuss world politics,” says Secretary of State John Kerry. “The goal of renaming the world is so that we can discuss real issues with our friends and neighbors without getting confused and calling each other names.” 
While most Americans can tell a Brit, a Frenchman, or an Aussie by accent alone, the average American has no idea how to identify the differences between people from China, Japan, Korea, or The Phillipines. Americans cannot tell an Argentine from a Brazilian, and they see Estonians, Hungarians, Bulgarians, and Croatians as basically the same people. “It was easier with colonialism,” admits Kerry. “I mean, we had the Turkish Empire and the British Empire and the USSR. Going back further, there was the Spanish Empire and the Holy Roman Empire.” While fewer empires exist today, Americans can benefit from thinking of the world in the same simplistic way, claims Kerry. Under the new world borders, the following regions would exist: 
  • United States of America or just America
  • Canada
  • Mexico
  • Russia
  • South America (includes Central America)
  • Southern Africa
  • Northern Africa
  • Middle East
  • Eastern Europe
  • Western Europe
  • England
  • France
  • Germany
  • Asia (includes all Pacific islands)
  • Australia
The following government types would exist: 
  • Democracy (as recognized by US Government and/or individual citizen, which makes it subjective)
  • Regime (any non-democracy or not understood government)
The following religions/languages (relanguages ®) would exist:
  • Christian/English
  • Christian/European
  • Jewish
  • Muslim
  • Eastern
  • Native
With America's now longstanding position as the most powerful country in the world, most of its citizens simply do not care about the rest of the world. People are fine with using online translation tools and connection methods rather than in-person means by which to insult those from different cultures. As one American put it, "English is better than that Muslim language anyhow."  
Renaming other countries so that our citizens can better interpret the world is not much different from retaining the standard system of measures rather than adopting metric. As a nation, Americans understand miles, pounds, and ounces. "Taking an inch would be like taking several tons of firearms from Americans," said Tina Butcher, who runs the weights and measures section of the National Institute of Standards and Technology along with her husband Ken, who together represent measurement royalty in America. And when I say tons, I mean standard American 2000 pound tons, not the non-American 2240 pound long ton or metric tons equaling 1000 kilograms. Kilos are for South American drug lords, not Americans."
Once Americans grasp where the Middle East is located, the fact that most countries there are Muslim in religion and language, and the fact that almost all of their governments are regimes, those Americans will be able to fruitfully discuss politics of the region with other interested parties, especially those from America.  Once Wikipedia adds the new American categories to its articles, citizens will be able to better understand the information found on the website. "I can see a day," said Kerry, "when all Americans will not only be members of the most powerful country in the world but also understand why that is the case, at least at a very basic fourth-grade level."
Examples of classifications:


Americanized region       


relanguage ®

Honduras, Brazil, Peru, El Salvador, Argentina, etc.

South America



Angola, Ivory Coast, Nairobi, Zambia

Southern Africa ('sub-saharan ')



Thailand, China, India, Japan








Morocco, Algeria, Egypt, Libya

Northern Africa




Sunday, October 30, 2016 9243
All Other Nominees to Call Their Lawyers Kewaunda “Ke-Ke” Watson of Germantown has Won the Society of Unified Entities’ Race Card Playa of the Decade Award for her “consistent and successful use of the race card in reaching her own personal goals.” Every ten years, thousands of African Americans, mostly women, nominate themselves for the awards based on past accomplishments. Watson joins an elite list of past winners, including Oprah Winfrey, who won after she started getting white, suburban moms to say, “You go girl!” However, the award is not meant only to reward those who have achieved celebrity status. In fact, most Race Card Playa Nominees are known only to their co-workers and various local lawmakers. In essence, this is a lifetime achievement award, since evidence has no statute of limitations and no means by which it can be verified. In fact, tall tales of personal conquests lend themsleves well to the spirit of the award. A review of the nomination sent to the committee by Watson reveals the following: Watson grew up in Menomonee Falls yet claims to be originally from Milwaukee in order to demonstrate her own ability to come a long way. She attended MFHS and “acted bad” in the hallways. If confronted by teachers, she claimed they were being racist. She applied to and received several college scholarships earmarked for African Americans, most of which were created to help those with financial need. She established this status by claiming she lived with her maternal grandmother on Milwaukee’s North Side. In college, she once filibustered during a class discussion in English 321 about The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, claiming it was racist and that the professor was racist for using the book. She also said she would not read the book, said she would take it up with the administration if she was forced to read the book or if she was graded lower because she was singled out by the professor, who in turn gave her an A. In college, she would meet with professors after receiving low grades in order to explain why her poor study skills were a result of misbehaving students and teachers who didn’t give a shit from back in high school. In college, while working towards her social work degree, she only showed up for class group work meetings sporadically and told the white members of her group that they’d better write the paper if they wanted a good grade. When she was once placed in a group with two other African Americans, they told her she was lazy and gave them a bad name, so she went to the Dean and said the professor was racist for putting all the black students in one group, after which time she was placed in a new group. At her internship, she went to the board of directors, claiming her supervisor was racist when he cited her numerous times for showing up late and leaving early. She also claimed the job was set up as to discriminate against anyone who had to use public transportation (which she did not use). At her first job at a nursing home, working third shift, she claimed all the old white people said nasty things to her at night when no one else was around, and she was granted a first shift position. At her wedding, she called the DJ service to claim the DJ was racist because he was a white guy who yelled, “Damn, Baby-Girl!” when a bridesmaid fought for and won the bouquet; received a discount. At the birth of her child, she used “some white girl’s” phone number on documents. When the bills went unpaid, the owner of the phone number received dozens of phone calls from bill collectors. While this is not exactly playing the race card and was detrimental to her own credit, it was seen as a devious use of the system for potential personal gain by the selection committee. When running a daycare out of her grandmother’s house, she received state money for working mothers, whether or not the children showed up. Ke-Ke made enough money for a new Mercedes and a large down payment on a house in Germantown. Her grandmother was investigated by government officials who could not determine if any fraud had occurred. When putting an offer in on a house in Germantown, she told the realtor that she heard white folks didn’t like to sell to people like her, and that she knew who to contact if she found out the house sold to someone else; she got the house. She was named as the owner of a minority-run small business, even though she had nothing to do with the business. The business won minority-only contracts, and she received extra income for several years. When her daughter was not supposed to get a bus to her local public school because she lived within the two-mile limit, Ke-Ke went to the school board and said that her people fought to win the right to ride the bus and they better not take that right away from her daughter. She was granted a special exception. As the only African American white collar employee at her Waukesha County firm, she asked for and received the added position of Director of Diversity for a 20% raise. She sends out monthly website links to articles on diversity. She talks using Black English Vernacular when she wants get her way by use of intimidation at work. However, she stresses that this can only be done a couple of times per month. “People who talk like they’re from the hood from day one end up back in the hood without a job real quick, but if you talk like a white person and then slap em upside the head with ebonics, it’s like EF Hutton showed up.” She keeps her daughter’s teachers on their best behavior with monthly veiled threats. “I don’t come out and tell them they’re racist and I’m going to sue all the time. I’d rather tell them that saying my daughter is lazy might seem racist or that accidentally bumping into her is the kind of thing that could get a teacher fired.” Watson says that her daughter is on the fast track to success because of her own effective playing of the race card at school. “She knows that liberal white folks are the best targets, and no one is more liberal than teachers. No teacher wants to get reprimanded for being racist, so playing the race card in a public school is an automatic win. That’s my job as a parent: to teach my daughter all I have learned.” The Society of Unified Entities will present Ke-Ke with the gift of a “charged-up” SNAP card worth over $250 and an actual laminated race card.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007 5966
Email Kinda Confusing After Night at State Fair; Tone Seems Desperate What the heck are you trying to tell me, Tommy? I got this email after a long night at State Fair, and I’m just not sure what I’m supposed ta do. I want my favorite governor to become the next president, but you hafta make it easier than this, especially since most of your supporters are taking in country music shows at the fair this week. Let’s just take a look at the email and figure it out: “If you're a SOTT (Supporter of Tommy Thompson), then this is probably the most important email you have ever received from his campaign.” Besides the goofy SOTT thing, I can grasp this part.

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