Quick, name five lemurs who have played professional sports! Stumped? Well you are not alone. Lemurs have a long history in professional sports (Pete Sampras, for example), but many see them as inferior to their more human counterparts. This is why lemurs across the globe are celebrating Ryan Braun as one of their own, even though he’s only half lemur. The Lemur Anti-Defamation and Existence League has mounted a media frenzy over Ryan Braun because of his success as an athlete and his heritage as a prosimian. Though Braun’s father is human, his mother’s status as a lemur is enough to allow lemurs to feel a bond with him. However, Real Wisconsin News has also learned that Ryan did not grow up honoring his lemur heritage, and some hard-line lemur groups have disowned him as a hero for the masses. Zoboomafoo, spokesman for Lemurs R People 2, said, “Ryan Braun played baseball this year on Mother’s Day, which might not mean much to people, but lemurs are matriarchal, and Mother’s Day is considered our most important holiday. A true lemur would have been grooming his mother instead of going 2 for 4 with a couple of RBIs.” Though he does not talk about being a lemur, Braun has graciously allowed lemurs to be photographed with him, and even spoke at a mostly-lemur middle school in Madagascar, his mother’s homeland. The principal of the school said of Braun: “He is a true lemur to those of us who believe that even though we are generally ridiculed on the sports field, we can succeed to be more than sidekicks on television programs for comic relief. He also donated Milwaukee Brewers shirts to the entire student body, and that would cost me three years’ salary. Now all the children and lemurs can be clothed for years to come.” Braun takes the whole controversy in stride, claiming dual heritage, and not aligning himself with any one group. “It’s part of who I am,” he says. Of course, Braun is not the first athlete with dual heritage who has played for a Milwaukee team. Tyrone Hill is 1/8 vampire bat. Sam Cassell is 1/2 cricket

Aldous Hiter, a long time Washington County resident, will run for a position as a county supervisor in the upcoming election. His hopes are that, despite his name bearing a resemblance to Aldoph Hitler, he will be elected nonetheless, since he plans on running as a Republican. Hiter said, "I heard that even Adolph Hitler could win in Washington county if he had an "R" before his name, so I figured I'd give it a shot. In most places, people look twice at my name and get a little uncomfortable before they pronounce it, but generally not in this county."