“Wild” Bill Nielson, president of the Eau Claire Common Council, has issued a decree to all residents of the city. The short but poignant message reads “Love Thy Neighbor,” and it has been accepted with jubilation by the masses.

 

“I hadn’t really though of it before, but it makes all kinds of sense,” said Ty LaPlant, who lives in Horan Hall. “It would really be nice if my neighbors weren’t all guys.” 

Ty’s sentiments were echoed all across this fine metropolis, as dozens of citizens began loving their neighbors immediately. 

“I never used to like that one guy who showed up for class smelling like beer, but he’s OK now,” admitted Mandy Less. “He’s my neighbor, sorta.”

Local church officials refused to be interviewed, claiming that the secular “Love Thy Neighbor” decree doesn’t interest them.

 

Thursday, September 27, 2007 19541
A 20-year-old student was arrested Sept. 19 on charges of theft of textbooks from the union bookstore. He was arrested after he was seen on video taking the books and identified at Panther Book Store where he went to sell them. He got $15 for the books and was arrested. He reportedly admitted the theft, saying he needed money to buy books for his classes. So why didn't he just steal the books for his own class?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007 5836
American Dreaming With Dan Brubus Keep driving your SUVs, people, because we’re about make history! I knew my Lord and savior Jesus Christ was on my side when I decided against going to Miami to take a job with a competitor. “Yeah, the weather sucks here,” I reasoned, “and the girls aren’t nearly as hot, but I can afford a Brookfield mansion for less than a million bucks, and still have enough left over to stock my garage.” Anyhow, the great weather is about to come to me, so I’ll be retiring at about 55 with more money in the bank than you’ll make in a lifetime, and beautiful weather, as well. What do we have to thank for all this? Global warming, of course.

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