This article first appeared in 2001

 

The American Regional Meat Packing Industry Traders (ARMPIT), under pressure from PETA, has decided to completely change its practices of killing animals. The move comes as a surprise, though leaders in the industry are taking it in stride.

 

“What we’ve been doing to animals over the years is just plain horrible,” admitted Pat Cudahy, CEO of Wisconsin’s largest packing plant. “Could you imagine if it was your poor little doggy that was getting killed by a rectal electrocution? Or maybe your grandmother?”

When asked how American’s would be able to buy the average 30 pounds of beef they eat each year, Cudahy suggested that the populace learn to hunt. “Personally, I’ll be foraging for nuts and berries on my 200 acre estate. I have become a vegetarian, and I think the rest of the country should do so as well. 

All packing plants will be converted to old-age homes for cattle and other animals to live out their years. “Sort of like a zoo,” suggests Cudahy. “We can ride over the plant in my helicopter in a bit.” When asked about the lost jobs, Pat suggested that employees “find something else to kill.”

 

Sunday, December 23, 2007 6426
So you got all the crappy Christmas gifts you can handle, and you decide it's time to get yourself what you really want: a home theater room.
Sunday, September 18, 2016 19372
Nearly defining irony, the top-rated response to Americans viewing the Corey Feldman song performance in September of 2016 was, "I thought he was dead." Obviously, the second response, and the one that has become the focus of social media, was, "That was weird." While it is possible Corey Feldman died of an overdose or gross neglect in the late 2000's or early 2010's, a quick search of the internet seems to have proven that Feldman did not die. It's also not likely that his death was covered up in order to make a posthumous release of his album, which was dedicated to two of his dead friends, Corey Haim and Michael Jackson. "I was not dead for the past ten years," says Feldman. "I was just dedicating my life to my music." Unfortunately for Feldman, critics and fans have unanimously declared the album to be horrible. Said one critic, "I thought he was dead before the songs were released, and now I kind of wish he had been. The album is kind of like Eddie Murphy's 80s attempt at music, just without the one hit to make it somewhat meaningful. But that makes it a perfect dedication to Corey Haim."

Donate to Scott Walker Without a Trace

Donate using PayPal
Amount:
Note:
and

Designed by Passive Ninja