This article first appeared in 2001

 

The American Regional Meat Packing Industry Traders (ARMPIT), under pressure from PETA, has decided to completely change its practices of killing animals. The move comes as a surprise, though leaders in the industry are taking it in stride.

 

“What we’ve been doing to animals over the years is just plain horrible,” admitted Pat Cudahy, CEO of Wisconsin’s largest packing plant. “Could you imagine if it was your poor little doggy that was getting killed by a rectal electrocution? Or maybe your grandmother?”

When asked how American’s would be able to buy the average 30 pounds of beef they eat each year, Cudahy suggested that the populace learn to hunt. “Personally, I’ll be foraging for nuts and berries on my 200 acre estate. I have become a vegetarian, and I think the rest of the country should do so as well. 

All packing plants will be converted to old-age homes for cattle and other animals to live out their years. “Sort of like a zoo,” suggests Cudahy. “We can ride over the plant in my helicopter in a bit.” When asked about the lost jobs, Pat suggested that employees “find something else to kill.”

 

Monday, September 24, 2007 15187
While other auto manufacturers waiver in their support of the war in Iraq, Jeep maintains its support with its 2008 lineup of vehicles. Jeep’s homepage depicts all of its vehicles in a Middle-Eastern desert setting, along with a shovel and pail. The caption reads, “Have fun out there.” Other automobile web pages focus on American roads and fuel efficiency, whereas the Jeep site infers that we should go out there and commandeer our own oil.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007 14885
A sweet little Plymouth girl made over 100 prank phone calls in order to test the efficacy of Sheboygan’s 911 system. The young lady performed a vital public service, and should be commended for her efforts. Surely, countless lives will be saved because this little heroine took it upon herself to test the system and expose the faults that exist in our current 911 configuration, both in technology and in dealing with people. “You’d think someone would have gotten her name before she made 100 pranks for Chrissake!” said Sheboygan police officer Jim Bratz. “I mean, she’s eight—just ask her. I’m not putting those operators down or anything, but they’re freakin stupider than eight-year-olds, to be honest with you.”

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