This article first appeared in 2001

 

The American Regional Meat Packing Industry Traders (ARMPIT), under pressure from PETA, has decided to completely change its practices of killing animals. The move comes as a surprise, though leaders in the industry are taking it in stride.

 

“What we’ve been doing to animals over the years is just plain horrible,” admitted Pat Cudahy, CEO of Wisconsin’s largest packing plant. “Could you imagine if it was your poor little doggy that was getting killed by a rectal electrocution? Or maybe your grandmother?”

When asked how American’s would be able to buy the average 30 pounds of beef they eat each year, Cudahy suggested that the populace learn to hunt. “Personally, I’ll be foraging for nuts and berries on my 200 acre estate. I have become a vegetarian, and I think the rest of the country should do so as well. 

All packing plants will be converted to old-age homes for cattle and other animals to live out their years. “Sort of like a zoo,” suggests Cudahy. “We can ride over the plant in my helicopter in a bit.” When asked about the lost jobs, Pat suggested that employees “find something else to kill.”

 

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 38000
Art Critiques by Rainbow Meadows A man from Pewaukee was arrested April 4th for his new performance art exhibit at the Milwaukee Art Museum. Art critics have said that the form of performance art, known as artisto destructo and utilized by such well-known artists as John Cage and Yoko Ono, is little more than someone who is not artistic interacting with art. The piece at the Milwaukee Art Museum, however, involved a man called “Pewaukee Man” ripping down "The Triumph of David" by Ottavio Vannini and putting his foot through the painting, valued at $300,000. Pewaukee Man’s work, entitled “David and Goliath’s Goliath” was no mere angry tirade, but a work of performance art that may turn the art world upside down.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007 6092
In what has the potential to be an all out whooping, arrow zinging, spear chucking, finger pointing war, complete with scalpings, the Potowatomi Tribe has upped the ante in the Kenosha casino conflict. The Real Wisconsin News has discovered that the Potowatomi nation has been funding various groups in an effort to stem competition with it's casino in the Menominee Valley in Milwaukee. The most funny sounding and made-up of the groups, Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin, asserts that the Mohegan tribe of Connecticut will be taking over gaming in Wisconsin by building a Kenosha casino. In fact, in a recent television ad, Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin shows the Mohegans using a red glob to eat most of the Eastern United States including Wisconsin, until Wisconsin Gaming for Wisconsin beats them back with clever use of graphics.

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