This article first appeared in 2001

 

The American Regional Meat Packing Industry Traders (ARMPIT), under pressure from PETA, has decided to completely change its practices of killing animals. The move comes as a surprise, though leaders in the industry are taking it in stride.

 

“What we’ve been doing to animals over the years is just plain horrible,” admitted Pat Cudahy, CEO of Wisconsin’s largest packing plant. “Could you imagine if it was your poor little doggy that was getting killed by a rectal electrocution? Or maybe your grandmother?”

When asked how American’s would be able to buy the average 30 pounds of beef they eat each year, Cudahy suggested that the populace learn to hunt. “Personally, I’ll be foraging for nuts and berries on my 200 acre estate. I have become a vegetarian, and I think the rest of the country should do so as well. 

All packing plants will be converted to old-age homes for cattle and other animals to live out their years. “Sort of like a zoo,” suggests Cudahy. “We can ride over the plant in my helicopter in a bit.” When asked about the lost jobs, Pat suggested that employees “find something else to kill.”

 

Tuesday, October 18, 2016 6439
Melania Trump tends to take a backseat to Donald Trump, and it's for good reason. While she is seen as a gorgeous "businesswoman" by most Trump supporters, even then most die-hard Trump Train riders can't help but think she's "kind of retarded" when she speaks. In fact, when Mrs. Trump voice is presented to test subjects solely as "a person who has been living in the United States since 2001," people from both left and right accuse her of being a lazy immigrant who's not trying to learn English. When researchers add that she plagiarized a speech and claimed her own husband discussing getting laid by other women was "boy talk," many American men said they found her to be mentally retarded, similar to Donald Trump's view of deaf actress Marlee Matlin. Generally, however, Mrs. Trump was seen in a different light when images of her face and body accompanies her words, with her accent suddenly becoming "cute" or "sexy" rather than "menacing" or "annoying." And not one test subject called her retarded after seeing a photo of her in a bathing suit. In a related study, photos of American-born women of Mexican heritage often received a much lower positive rating by white American males, including one photo of Sonia Sotomayor. One respondent said of Associate Justice Sotomayor, "She should go back to Mexico." Keep in mind that not one male suggested Melania Trump return to her country of origin once her photo was revealed. Not even Bill Clinton, who was volunteering as a male test subject in the hopes he'd be able to reveal something important about male behaviors while meeting college girls. When told she may have worked in the United States illegally with a tourist visa, the men again did not seem to care. On the other hand, when Melania Trump's photo was presented with 50 other images of women in political office, she was picked most often as "the woman I'd most like to nail with my flag pole." Not since Jackie Kennedy has a potential First Lady won that contest, so researchers were excited about those results. Hillary Clinton did not place in the top 80%.
Friday, July 13, 2007 6315
Who hasn’t wondered from time to time, “How do these half-yuppie, half-hippies dancing in front of me at Summerfest keep f@#$ing procreating? Who keeps filming Mel Gibson movies?” or “How can there still be fans of the NY Yankees or Minnesota Vikings?” These are rigorous and valid questions. Darwin’s principles of natural selection tell us that undesirable characteristics and behaviors are selected against in the breeding process. After millions of years of human evolution, shouldn’t we be able to live a life free of these douchebags?

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