This article first appeared in 2001

 

The American Regional Meat Packing Industry Traders (ARMPIT), under pressure from PETA, has decided to completely change its practices of killing animals. The move comes as a surprise, though leaders in the industry are taking it in stride.

 

“What we’ve been doing to animals over the years is just plain horrible,” admitted Pat Cudahy, CEO of Wisconsin’s largest packing plant. “Could you imagine if it was your poor little doggy that was getting killed by a rectal electrocution? Or maybe your grandmother?”

When asked how American’s would be able to buy the average 30 pounds of beef they eat each year, Cudahy suggested that the populace learn to hunt. “Personally, I’ll be foraging for nuts and berries on my 200 acre estate. I have become a vegetarian, and I think the rest of the country should do so as well. 

All packing plants will be converted to old-age homes for cattle and other animals to live out their years. “Sort of like a zoo,” suggests Cudahy. “We can ride over the plant in my helicopter in a bit.” When asked about the lost jobs, Pat suggested that employees “find something else to kill.”

 

Friday, July 27, 2007 23059
A chemical that causes cancer in California (PCB) is responsible for the closing of numerous Milwaukee area playing fields, most of which are used by active adults as precursors to drinking and possible relations with the opposite sex. Because of the closings, local ath-elites may need to find new ways to sneak away from their families or have a legitimate reason to drink excessively. Local Ath-elites Compete in Grueling Kick-the-ball Match
Sunday, March 21, 2010 12191
Satan, Lucifer, the Devil. One being with many names and as many ways of claiming the souls of humans. However, the Father of all Lies has decided to destroy his contract for George W. Bush’s soul because of what the Evil One calls a breach of that contract.

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