This article first appeared in 2001

The American Regional Meat Packing Industry Traders (ARMPIT), under pressure from PETA, has decided to completely change its practices of killing animals. The move comes as a surprise, though leaders in the industry are taking it in stride.

“What we’ve been doing to animals over the years is just plain horrible,” admitted Pat Cudahy, CEO of Wisconsin’s largest packing plant. “Could you imagine if it was your poor little doggy that was getting killed by a rectal electrocution? Or maybe your grandmother?”

When asked how American’s would be able to buy the average 30 pounds of beef they eat each year, Cudahy suggested that the populace learn to hunt. “Personally, I’ll be foraging for nuts and berries on my 200 acre estate. I have become a vegetarian, and I think the rest of the country should do so as well. 

All packing plants will be converted to old-age homes for cattle and other animals to live out their years. “Sort of like a zoo,” suggests Cudahy. “We can ride over the plant in my helicopter in a bit.” When asked about the lost jobs, Pat suggested that employees “find something else to kill.”