The newest and most controversial Facebook application to be launched allows users to live forever, at least online. And it’s not just in the form of some static profile. The Eternal Life application learns and then lives, and then keeps on living—forever. 


Facebook has taken over as the most utilized way for people to network with one another in a simple and colorful style, but it has had trouble generating money. It’s also had some strange stories of deceased members maintaining profiles for long periods of time—sometimes kept as a shrine and sometimes never taken down because nobody really knows who the person is or that he or she died. 

Instead of trying to take profiles down in the case of death, Facebook has decided to embrace the inevitable, and offer a beyond lifetime guarantee on their service. “Basically, if the service has not been accessed for more than six months (earlier if requested), and the customer paid for Eternal Life, we then set the profile to ‘automatic,’” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. 

The profile will continue to function as if the user is still alive, receiving photos and other updates from friends. However, using aggregated data from past behaviors, the profile will also continue to interact with friends, just as if the person owning the profile was still among the living. For example, if Grandma Gerty tended to “Like” photos of her grandkids, those photos will receive the same consideration well after she has passed on. 

Taking it even further, users will be able to create a list of favorite catch-phrases or quotes to be used as comments. “This goes well beyond ‘LOL,’” said Zuckerberg. “The profile will assess what is being said in the post, and the comment will relate to that post, in the words of the eternal user.” For example, if Gerty’s son posts a comment about the Packers’ injuries, her profile will answer with, “I always liked a man in uniform,” or maybe “Go Pack Go.”

Facebook realizes that advertisers would like a piece of the undead, as well, so users who liked their products in life will continue to post about those products long after they have any use for them. If Grandma Gerty liked Good Housekeeping Magazine, she will send her granddaughter and great-granddaughter posts about subscription opportunities. 

Since eternal life through technology is still a decade or so away, Facebook sees this as its best opportunity to capitalize on the early stages of man’s desire to live on as a digital being.  

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Saturday, February 27, 2016 12878
As an independently wealthy business consultant, I can tell you how good it feels to tell others to go f-themselves. Like if someone doesn’t detail my BMW properly when it gets washed. However, there are some situations when I want to go tell a client to f-off, but I just have to let it go, like if the client makes more in a year than Guyana. Like if I was working for Johnson Controls, and Alex Molinaroli tells me to shine his shoes while wearing a French maid outfit, I’d probably do it because the man makes $20 million a year and deserves to be able to humiliate anyone he wants. Like his wife. I bet he treated her like dirt, but now she’s pretending he didn’t because she gets half of what he makes, and she wants him to keep his job, so she’s acting like he’s not such a bad guy anymore. That’s power, folks. Alex said f-you to his wife while boning a company consultant (no, not me), and then when the ex-wife ripped into him, he told her f-off again if she wanted to keep half his f-the-world salary. That’s bold: tell the world you lied yesterday about me, ex-wife! He probably made her change her Facebook status to reflect her new-found honesty about how good of a man he is. F-yeah, Alex Molinaroli! That’s what every ex-husband wants to be able to do. Alex Molinaroli, after telling his ex to go f-herself, then told the leftist press to go f-itself, giving an “often-testy 30 minute interview” to The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, clearing his name for those of us who can see that it takes two balls the size of the Allen-Bradley clock faces to take on the press, your ex-wife, the mistress you met at work, and allegations you blew millions of dollars in a Ponzi scheme (and continued to support the accused), all while saying f-you to anyone who thinks you might be inept at managing money or relationships. Alex Molinaroli apparently even said f-you to the board at Johnson Controls. That would be like me going into a client’s office and saying, “F-you; we’re doing this campaign my way or the highway. My ex-wife needs a new fur.” This is really a testament to America that a man can get to a point where he can tell his ex, the press, and his employer to f-off and have a job because he’s just that important. I mean, this man’s EX-wife makes more a month than my loser public school teacher brother-in-law makes in a YEAR. The company this man runs makes billions a year, and it’s obviously all because of him. In fact, Johnson Controls should probably consolidate operations and let a thousand or so employees go in the Milwaukee area so that they can retain Alex Molinaroli as CEO. He’s obviously worth well more than 200 of their $100,000 a year employees. He probably has CEOs of auto manufacturers wearing French maid outfits and shining his shoes as he tells them to f-themselves during negotiations. Truly, Alex Molinaroli is an example of why there is and needs to be a healthy class system in America. Some of us, those of us who tell the others to f-off, simply deserve others to be below us, and it’s a positive sign that Johnson Controls recognizes a truly classy man when they hire one. Plus, it’s a great way to say f-you to employees and customers interested in ethics and morals. As Alex Molinaroli says, "I think that we all make mistakes in our life. I assume that that is allowed." F-yeah!
Sunday, September 23, 2007 23923
Actor and Comedian Martin Lawrence has admitted to Real Wisconsin News that he is in fact Serena Williams, and has been playing her for years. He also plays the role of Serena’s father Richard Williams, as well as Oracene “Big Momma Brandy” Price, Serena’s mother. Lawrence says that he meant no harm by entering the women’s tennis arena. In fact, the entire concept was to provide young tennis phenom Venus Williams with an instant family, but the ruse was simply taken too far.

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