Al HiterAldous Hiter, a long time Washington County resident, will run for a position as a county supervisor in the upcoming election. His hopes are that, despite his name bearing a resemblance to Aldoph Hitler, he will be elected nonetheless, since he plans on running as a Republican. Hiter said, "I heard that even Adolph Hitler could win in Washington county if he had an "R" before his name, so I figured I'd give it a shot. In most places, people look twice at my name and get a little uncomfortable before they pronounce it, but generally not in this county."

 

Hiter said he'd never really thought about running for public office before, but after he read that a Slinger teacher said that even Hitler could win in Washington County, he decided to give it a shot. "I'd often thought about changing my name, especially after the looks I received at a recent Bah Mitzvah, but I believe that the people of Washington County are open-minded enough to get past a mere name. I'd also thought about shaving the mustache and stopping the greasy comb-over, but that's all in the past now" Hiter may be right to think he has a chance, as 46% of Washington County voters choose not to look at the names, and 79% of those voters select Republicans. That means Hiter would have 36% of the votes wrapped up before anyone reads his name. Hiter figures the rest of the votes will come from racists and those with morbid senses of humor.

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Friday, November 18, 2016 9327
What we say and what we mean about Donald Trump. These words apply to both liberal and conservative, friend and foe. Probably even offspring and wives. What we say: He’s a successful businessman What we mean: He runs companies into the ground yet stays rich. He fails time and again yet claims to be an authority. He tells truthful hyperbole and people believe him. That’s probably success. What we say: He has small hands What we mean: He has a small cock and compensates buy covering things in gold that have no business being covered in gold, like his hair color. What we say: He tells it like it is What we mean: He makes everything up as he goes, and does it loudly, like an American tourist in Western Europe. He’s your idiot cousin who’s good at oil changes, so you let him change your oil, even if he insists on listening to his favorite Limp Bizkit CD. What we say: What he said about women is locker room talk, and his accusers are liars What we mean: Men: I WISH I could get away with saying and doing what he’s said and done. Women: With that money and power, he can grab me like a pair of boots on Black Friday What we say: He’s a Christian What we mean: I care about one issue in the world, and that’s abortion. And not being compassionate towards foreigners or those who are sick. And making a lot of money. What we say: He’ll make America great again What we mean: My wife stopped giving me head after a year of marriage, and then some brown person moved into the house two over from me and has a better job than my wife who has a better job than me. What we say: He says what I want to say and isn’t politically correct What we mean: I will no longer be seen as the biggest douchebag around at family gatherings and on social media. What we say: He’s a good person What we mean: I care about one issue in the world, and that’s abortion. And not being compassionate towards foreigners or those who are sick. And making a lot of money. What we say: He has a beautiful wife What we mean: She is a golddigger and a trophy. He’s a sleazy old man who is the envy of most other old men who don’t have the money or energy to be sleazy. What we say: His wife is not only beautiful but also intelligent What we mean: She’s a stupid fashion model who looks good in anything, even smart people clothes, and she can get away with plagiarism and saying less than a Muslim wife because she’s from a Third-World Eastern European Country and freakin stupid, but I don’t care. What we say: He’s taking America back! What we mean: A Black president was as much as I could handle. A woman? Hell no! I’m not racist or sexist. I’m just telling it like it is.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008 6565
New York Governor and former Attorney General Eliot Spitzer became the latest victim of a Pussitocracy run amok. In what is becoming a growing problem, over-achievers are finding it more and more difficult to get laid, and as a result are finding themselves left with no choice but to buy a piece of ass.

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