I’ve lived in West Allis since I was born, and though I’m no mechanic or anything, I do appreciate a loud V8 engine. However, when I was watching a race last week, I started wondering how I could rig my Monte Carlo to make fire like the ones on TV. Obviously, I don’t want a rocket on my car—I just want it to send a little fire out the tailpipes when I pass someone on Highway 100. Is that too much to ask? So I went to Autozone and asked someone there if they had a device to make fire come out of my car. The guy told me they don’t sell such a product and that it would probably not be street legal.

I decided to search the internet for ways to either create fire in my car or red smoke. Yahoo answers tells me this: “The flame from the exhaust was caused by unburnt fuel (gas) in the exhaust system. The unburnt fuel was probably ignited by the hot catalytic converter.” So maybe I could find a way to leave more unburnt fuel in the tailpipe.

On an Acura forum, I learned that “Those race cars are usually running ethanol or nitromethane,” so maybe I can put some of that in my Monte Carlo, since it’s more flammable, and therefore more exciting. However, when I tried to find out if my stock Monte Carlo could run on ethanol or nitromethane, I found a lot of technical research and references to racing, but no clear answer. After more research, it looks like I can add some of the nitro if I have a kit and run colder plugs and tune the car…uh, not something I can handle.

So I started thinking that maybe I needed to create an illusion of fire instead of the real thing. It already smokes a little bit, but that’s not fire. What if I used some dye to make the smoke red or something? Nobody has posted or written articles about adding dyes to their engine oil to make it look cool, though I did find a good article on how to dye Easter eggs that I bookmarked. I did, however, find a product that might work: smoke dye, like the stuff airplanes use in air shows. Here’s a manufacturer description of usage:

• Signal smoke bombs and grenades

• Marker buoys and distress flares

• Attachments to aircraft towed target systems

• Pyrotechnics for air shows, etc

• Anti-theft smoke devices

Sounds like it could dye my oil to make it smoke red instead of black. I’ll have to ask the guy at Autozone if he thinks that’s legal. Of course, when he sold me the neon lights for under my car, he said those were perfectly legal or he wouldn't sell them, but when they started flickering, I got pulled over in the Club Paragon parking lot. But the posing nude girl mud flaps seem to be legal, and those make my ride so sweet, but not as sweet as the home tinting kit I just bought.