After many months of intense research in the field encompassing the areas of Alconomics, Shotology and Keg Studies I have once again returned bringing to light all the glories of my travels through the land of beer and cheese.

It became apparent that even after a night of excessive studies, buoyancy could not be achieved and that a life jacket is a wise choice when visiting the city of Jefferson, WI. A wonderful thing about the flooding is that you don’t have to pay for a new couch or desk these days as the street corners turned into mini-free garage sales.

A person is able to turn these semi-water-logged items into gold with the use of a computer and a little thing called eBay. Attach freshly-laundered tag line to any item and it turns into redneck gold.

With all these treasures to be had by the keen eye and weak sense of smell came the ability to fish in your front yard. There was no need to repeat the dreaded opening scene from the Andy Griffith show as all you had to do was cast a line over your sand-bagged front yard to catch a little supper.

Cletus Manchester, a local fisherman and adult club frequenter told RWN about his experience, “I hasn’t been able to get da boat out all year yet and nows all I gots to do is drop a line in my front yard.” Cletus proudly pointed to some of his prized carp he caught in his front yard.

The city had debated whether to turn the local park into an Olympic-sized outdoor pool, but the health department stepped in and said that it would be too much like Bradford Beach because of the water contamination.

FEMA was initially scared to visit the area due to the strong resemblance to a third world country. John Hambliss from FEMA told RWN, “I thought I had visited some remote village in India that was just looking for more US handouts.” They have since resumed talks with the townfolk of Jefferson and have decided to declare it a disaster area even against their better judgement.

Keep in mind that if you see rain forecasted while visiting the city of Jefferson that packing a life jacket and some sand bags won’t make you crazy, just logical.

Friday, July 13, 2007 6314
Who hasn’t wondered from time to time, “How do these half-yuppie, half-hippies dancing in front of me at Summerfest keep f@#$ing procreating? Who keeps filming Mel Gibson movies?” or “How can there still be fans of the NY Yankees or Minnesota Vikings?” These are rigorous and valid questions. Darwin’s principles of natural selection tell us that undesirable characteristics and behaviors are selected against in the breeding process. After millions of years of human evolution, shouldn’t we be able to live a life free of these douchebags?
Sunday, July 22, 2007 8416
The Cobeus tribe of South America, living deep in the Amazon and feeding occasionally on their enemies, have issued a press release that they are not interesting in devouring baseball great Barry Bonds. This may seem shocking because Bonds has a lot of muscle, which is more nutritious that fat. However, the Cobeus people do not want their meals tainted with steroids and avoid human flesh that has been tainted in any way. In a Real Wisconsin News exclusive, we have discovered that the tribe keeps a bulletin board with photos of people who are allowed safe passage through their domain. Keith Richards and Lindsay Lohan are amongst the celebrities posted. While the mammary is said to be the best meat available on a human, Lohan’s recent transgressions have made her off-limits, just like Bonds.

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