Hurley – Local man, Oly Oakwood, has been setting “traps” around the local woods and caves of the greater Hurley, Wisconsin countryside since September 11th in hopes of capturing the elusive fugitive Osama bin Laden. Upon receiving word of his death in Pakistan, Oly was taken aback by the news, as he hoped to be the one to collect the $25 million reward that was posted for his capture or demise.

Oly presented his logic to this reporter as we sat on the front porch of his one bedroom house setback about 2 miles down a dirt road. “If ever I needed to get away from some troubles, I’d head out here as it’s the place to be. Heck look at Dillinger when he was run’n from the law…he came to Northern Wisconsin and hid out.” Oly set out after that fateful day in September to be the one to get Osama. His weapon of choice was a con-a-bear baited with adult literature as he said he read that this was a commonly found item in terrorist homes when raided.

Going out into the woods Oly showed off these “traps of his” which consisted of a steel jawed trap with a magazine (in plastic) in a 5-gallon bucket. Oly admitted that these traps hadn’t even “caught coon nor rabbit in them, let alone a terrorist.” He said that he stills holds out hope that maybe someday his traps will produce a “big payday,” until then he plans on relying on his “shine making skills” to support his love of the Hurley nightlife.

After meeting with Oly a stop at Spyder’s, a local watering hole in Hurley, provided a different perspective of Oly’s plan as Arnie Landbreakowski said that Oly spent most of his time checking out the northern portion of Silver Street instead of his so-called “traps.” Arnie said that Oly was a “jack of all trades” while being a “master of none of them.”

While most of the action surrounding terror can be found half a world away we are still able to see that people on the home front are keeping a watchful eye on things. This should help us to sleep better knowing that a person like Oly is out there to have our back if things go awry.

 

Thursday, February 23, 2017 8965
High schools in Wisconsin have been able to retain their Native American mascots under the rule of Scott Walker, but Menomonee Falls has decided to go ahead and change the high school mascot without any nudging from the state. While it might first appear that the school is keeping the same mascot, it is, in fact, changing from a Native American Indian to an Indian from India in order to honor an upsurge in students of Asian Indian descent. Principal Dr. Jim Coach said at a press conference, “We never had many actual American Indian students in Menomonee Falls for us to honor with the mascot name or to dress up as Chief Wampum. This move will give us more access to students to be honored by the mascot, since roughly 2% of our student body of 1500 are Indians from India, and that means at least ten kids. Maybe twenty.” Dr. Coach added, "It's pretty simple: we're going from American Indian to Indian American. Citizens of Menomonee Falls have been disappointed for years that their mascot was not able to marginalize a greater percentage of the local minority population. However, with an influx of families from India making their homes in Waukesha County, residents of the Falls have welcomed the opportunity to ridicule the group. Important citizen Janelle Whitefolk said, “It wasn’t fun when Native American Indians got upset, since we couldn’t tell them to go back to their own country if they didn’t like it. I did tell them to head back to the Rez, which was clever, but it will be so much better when we can tell people to head back to India with other illegals.” The school made the decision partially because so many uniforms already have the name “Indians” written on them, so nothing will have to change. The large F with a feather will be replaced with a jewel-encrusted Indian Elephant that will represent both the Indians and the strong Republican ideology in Menomonee Falls. The mascot at games will be a convenience store clerk named Ranbir (the brave warrior), hopefully played by an actual Indian (Asian or American). The school board also hopes to acquire a sacred cow from a local farm, and the school has decided to name the cow “Darshit,” which means “To pay respect.” “I can imagine,” said Coach, “when we’re on the football field, moving the ball against Marquette, and the crowd starts screaming, ‘Dar-shit, Dar-shit!’ And the Bollywood halftime shows!” When asked for comment, local American Indian elders crossed their arms and rolled their eyes, presumably in a cultural expression of approval.
Thursday, May 12, 2011 13482
Hurley – Local man, Oly Oakwood, has been setting “traps” around the local woods and caves of the greater Hurley, Wisconsin countryside since September 11 th in hopes of capturing the elusive fugitive Osama bin Laden. Upon receiving word of his death in Pakistan, Oly was taken aback by the news, as he hoped to be the one to collect the $25 million reward that was posted for his capture or demise.

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