While Governor Scott Walker is hearing some condemnation for information he released during a taped prank phone call, that has not stopped him from taking other phone calls from VIPs without much checking. Real Wisconsin News was able to reach Walker while posing as some of the more unlikely of characters but not when we called as Wisconsin citizens.
We first called as "Brad Schuler," a pipefitter from Waukesha. Walker did not take that call, nor did he take a call from "Caleb Graborski," a DMV worker from the South Side of Milwaukee. Walker didn't even take a call from Charles Wingate III of Delafield, so we figured his aides had figured out how to screen the calls or Walker had decided talking to people about the bill had become too dangerous.
That all changed, however, when we called as former Secretary of State Colin Powell. Here's a partial transcript of that call:
CP - What up, G?
SW - Hello sir, it's great to hear from you.
CP - What the 411 on them protestin fools, yo?
SW - Let me tell you, they are smaller in size every day and mostly from out of state and not really in tune with the people of the state, who all wholeheartedly believe in me and my ideas that I've been saying all along. And I'm going to stand firm because I am not someone who's going to cave and I [...]
CP - You wants me to get some of my homies ta blast caps in they asses?
SW - No, not just yet. We considered that for a while but I didn't think the people would have liked it too much, even if the protesters are just a bunch of 60s hippies and lazy union employees skipping work with the mostly out-of-town union lobbyists. I think I have it under control and I can be a real take charge kind of guy, so I'm pretty much going to end communism in Wisconsin like you helped to end it in Iraq.
Walker went on discuss many details of his plan to get state senators back from Illinois and his plan to bust unions in general, and we were surprised how much he talked about himself and the details of his plans. That continued about an hour later when we called as none other than Ronald Reagan.
RR - Well, it's nice to talk to you, Scotty.
SW - Wow, sir, this is a real honor. I thought you were. uh. in a nursing home or something. I just celebrated your 100th birthday the other day. I hope you're well.
RR - Damn right.
SW - I guess you've heard that I took it to the unions like you did with the air traffic controllers and the communists. It's our own metriflorical Berlin wall coming down in Wisconsin because I don't negotiate with terrorists, communists, or teachers. Speaking of schools, I'm thinking of bringing back that ketchup as a veggie idea you and Nancy had. I think that could save us a load of money buying actual vegetables for the schools. Anyhow, they'll have to figure it out for themselves when I cut the spending by 50%, just like I said I was going to do all along. Cut collective bargaining and funding so that I can get some of that trickling-down effect when several multinational companies move here. And so businesses will reinvest in their employees and their facilities when I give them the tax breaks they deserve. We are in for a couple of decades of prosperity, just like those you gave us.We just need to find all the right people and make sure they're all one of us [...............]
Walker continued to discuss his plans for living up to Reagan's legend, hinting only a few times that he may aspire to the same Washington DC office as the former B actor and B president. After roughly fifteen minutes of Walker talking mostly about himself, again, we ended the call, saying Reagan needed to get his medication.
Our last call was going to be as God, but we figured Walker would just talk more about how clever and wonderful he was, so we actually didn't call back. Honestly, listening to Scott Walker go on and on about himself and how much he means to the people of Wisconsin was kind of deflating, since it might appear to outsiders that everyone in Wisconsin feels that way. That everyone is all about themselves and not their fellow man. That everyone cares about sticking it to the other guy and not giving him a hand. Then we remembered the unions.
Give Scott Walker a cal, but don't say we didn't warn youl: (608) 266-1212