Walker's Republican GuardIn an effort to suppress DNR wardens and science teachers, Scott Walker has created a new Republican Guard for his administration. These are elite troops reporting directly to Walker. Since Walker is planning to enact systemic, widespread, and extremely grave violations of human rights, he knows he needs the protection of the Republican Guard from unruly librarians and DOT workers.

 

Walker plans on allowing full political participation for only the wealthiest 8%, and busting the labor unions is the first step in this measure. While the federal government still protects citizens' rights to assemble legally, Walker prefers allowing assembly only to express support for the government, and any slowdowns or absences to protest will be met with the firing of government employees.

 

The Republican Guard plans on creating check points in order to prevent ordinary citizens from traveling abroad without permission of Governor Walker, and females will need the escort of a male relative. Once order is established after the initial destruction of state unions, Walker plans to enact an Anfal Campaign against all labor unions in the state in order to lower the standard of living and create a business environment that is lucrative for the top 8%.

While workers in the state may be in store for harsh discipline if they do not work hard for less money, government supporters and family members will be immune from punishment for any such crimes. Reporters and government informants will be dealt with severely, though most reporters already make so little that they report their envy of union wages and benefits.

You will be able to distinguish the Republican Guard at checkpoints and in bodyguard detail by their red or Maroon berets and the red triangles worn on their sleeves. The new state motto will also be changed to, "With our blood, with our souls, we sacrifice for you, Scott Walker."

Thursday, August 21, 2008 26395
Quick, name five lemurs who have played professional sports! Stumped? Well you are not alone. Lemurs have a long history in professional sports (Pete Sampras, for example), but many see them as inferior to their more human counterparts. This is why lemurs across the globe are celebrating Ryan Braun as one of their own, even though he’s only half lemur. The Lemur Anti-Defamation and Existence League has mounted a media frenzy over Ryan Braun because of his success as an athlete and his heritage as a prosimian. Though Braun’s father is human, his mother’s status as a lemur is enough to allow lemurs to feel a bond with him. However, Real Wisconsin News has also learned that Ryan did not grow up honoring his lemur heritage, and some hard-line lemur groups have disowned him as a hero for the masses. Zoboomafoo, spokesman for Lemurs R People 2, said, “Ryan Braun played baseball this year on Mother’s Day, which might not mean much to people, but lemurs are matriarchal, and Mother’s Day is considered our most important holiday. A true lemur would have been grooming his mother instead of going 2 for 4 with a couple of RBIs.” Though he does not talk about being a lemur, Braun has graciously allowed lemurs to be photographed with him, and even spoke at a mostly-lemur middle school in Madagascar, his mother’s homeland. The principal of the school said of Braun: “He is a true lemur to those of us who believe that even though we are generally ridiculed on the sports field, we can succeed to be more than sidekicks on television programs for comic relief. He also donated Milwaukee Brewers shirts to the entire student body, and that would cost me three years’ salary. Now all the children and lemurs can be clothed for years to come.” Braun takes the whole controversy in stride, claiming dual heritage, and not aligning himself with any one group. “It’s part of who I am,” he says. Of course, Braun is not the first athlete with dual heritage who has played for a Milwaukee team. Tyrone Hill is 1/8 vampire bat. Sam Cassell is 1/2 cricket
Saturday, January 26, 2008 6038
In a campaign strategy long since thought dead, Hillary Clinton has elected to run an issues based campaign. Supporters are concerned that having effective policies won't be enough in a nation obsessed with superficial observations, parsnickity politicing, nice hair, cable TV sound bite reporting and overdone internet quasi-news.

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