After his success at virtually eliminating Milwaukee County government, Scott Walker plans to do the same in Madison. The Milwaukee Republican wants to use the same techniques that he has employed in Milwaukee, along with a powerful line-item veto, in order to overhaul Wisconsin government into a lean and useless entity.

“My track record pretty much speaks for itself,” noted Walker. He cites elimination of programs and elimination of employees as his most notable accomplishments as County Executive, thereby making his own job and that of the entire county government all but obsolete.

 

“You know,” says Walker, “I brought my brown bag lunch to work every day and constantly thought of ways to get rid of myself as a government employee. I realize I was only in charge of about a dozen things as County Exec, but I made it my goal to make sure all of those tasks were done poorly and cheaply, thereby balancing budgets and creating general public opinion that the costs were useless in the first place. When I become governor, I will make sure that state government operates as efficiently as my county government has. And by efficiently, I mean not at all.”

Walker used the county parks and county transit system as examples of his policymaking that will lead to less government. Within the last decade, both the parks and buses were rated as near the best in the country, but now the buses are overpriced and unsafe compared to others, and the parks no longer appear to be cared for. “So here’s what I wanted to do,” quips Walker. “I wanted to decrease funding to the buses, which increased fares. Higher fares meant less people used the bus, so then we could run the bus less often to decrease costs, but that led to even fewer riders because of the added inconvenience, so we had to increase fares…See where I’m going with this? Anyhow, this is the 21st Century. Why are people riding a bus, anyhow?”

Walker cites a similar methodology in order to get the parks system off county balance sheets. “First you decrease funding and cut staff hours. Stuff starts falling apart, and some people stop going to the parks. Then the park supporters come out and start to work on the parks themselves. Some of them plant flowers, restore baseball fields so they can play on them, or pick up bullet casings. Then, some parks start to look nice again, so we can pretty much decrease funding some more. It’s a pay to play kind of thing. If you want to play basketball in a park, go to the sporting goods store and put up a hoop. Why should government be responsible for things like transportation or parks? Don’t even get me started on health care or land redevelopment.”

When asked if government should be responsible for anything at all, Walker hesitated. “Ensuring that corporations and individuals have rights, and new roads.And for that purpose, I will retain at least ten state government employees. Everyone else can go and find jobs in the private sector or work for a group of people who want to pool their money together in order to receive the service being offered. Since I’m hoping for a ‘negative tax burden’ in the next few years, citizens will be able to pool that saved tax money to go and spend it however they see fit. Some will want health care, nature preserves, clean waterways, education for their kids, parks, and other wants. However, some will just have a brown bag lunch and a little slice of the American Dream.”<-->

Friday, July 13, 2007 44151
Don Imus, the much-maligned syndicated radio personality, will teach a breakout session at the National Organization for Women Conference in Detroit this July. He has decided to pay penance for his remarks about the Rutgers women’s basketball team (calling them nappy-headed hos) by presenting on “Why (White) Men Fear (Black) Women” during an early-bird breakout session, just after “Yoga With Grace Welch.” In his workshop, Don Imus is scheduled to talk about how the patriarchal society he lives in has shaped him into a person who does not value women in general and Black women in particular. Imus is said to be preparing his materials during his two-week suspension from the radio. He will discuss the depiction of women in America from the early captivity and moral novels to today’s personal narratives of abuse and other stuff men don’t care about. Imus will then take on the depiction of all women in the media, and especially the depiction of Black women as either hos or big mamas. He is planning on delving into the objectification of women in pornography, the marginalization of Asian women through happy-ending or fortune cookie jokes, the conceptualization of American Indian women as squaws, the visualization of Italian women as hairy and good cooks, the metamorphosization of Latinas from oppressed housewives to big-bootied-hos in pop music, and the externalization of all women as either hos or mothers. While some women have protested Imus being invited to the conference, others see it as a learning opportunity, both for themselves and for him. An organizer of the event said, “Mr. Imus will be repenting for his sins against the brotherhood of women and offering us a forum during which we may yell at him on a more personal level.” Women from the Rutgers basketball team have cried foul over the invitation, and have vowed to boycott the NOW conference, just as they now boycott the show. “We used to listen to Don Imus before games to get us pumped-up,” said one player, “but now that he’s just another white devil, we’ll listen to the John Tesh show instead. Or, maybe we’ll watch us a Lifetime movie, because them ladies know how to handle a trifling man, with a shovel to the head or a 2” heel to the eye.” Team members have also vowed to not use any relaxer in their hair in order to demonstrate to Imus just how nappy a head of hair can get. The future of Imus’s radio show is uncertain, especially with the potential loss of African-American female listeners. He has already been dropped from television, but Imus is confident that his new brand of sensitive talk will bring in more listeners who want to confront their own hegemonical views of women as weaker, more emotional, and less intelligent, not to mention better at cleaning and care-giving.
Sunday, October 30, 2016 9132
All Other Nominees to Call Their Lawyers Kewaunda “Ke-Ke” Watson of Germantown has Won the Society of Unified Entities’ Race Card Playa of the Decade Award for her “consistent and successful use of the race card in reaching her own personal goals.” Every ten years, thousands of African Americans, mostly women, nominate themselves for the awards based on past accomplishments. Watson joins an elite list of past winners, including Oprah Winfrey, who won after she started getting white, suburban moms to say, “You go girl!” However, the award is not meant only to reward those who have achieved celebrity status. In fact, most Race Card Playa Nominees are known only to their co-workers and various local lawmakers. In essence, this is a lifetime achievement award, since evidence has no statute of limitations and no means by which it can be verified. In fact, tall tales of personal conquests lend themsleves well to the spirit of the award. A review of the nomination sent to the committee by Watson reveals the following: Watson grew up in Menomonee Falls yet claims to be originally from Milwaukee in order to demonstrate her own ability to come a long way. She attended MFHS and “acted bad” in the hallways. If confronted by teachers, she claimed they were being racist. She applied to and received several college scholarships earmarked for African Americans, most of which were created to help those with financial need. She established this status by claiming she lived with her maternal grandmother on Milwaukee’s North Side. In college, she once filibustered during a class discussion in English 321 about The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, claiming it was racist and that the professor was racist for using the book. She also said she would not read the book, said she would take it up with the administration if she was forced to read the book or if she was graded lower because she was singled out by the professor, who in turn gave her an A. In college, she would meet with professors after receiving low grades in order to explain why her poor study skills were a result of misbehaving students and teachers who didn’t give a shit from back in high school. In college, while working towards her social work degree, she only showed up for class group work meetings sporadically and told the white members of her group that they’d better write the paper if they wanted a good grade. When she was once placed in a group with two other African Americans, they told her she was lazy and gave them a bad name, so she went to the Dean and said the professor was racist for putting all the black students in one group, after which time she was placed in a new group. At her internship, she went to the board of directors, claiming her supervisor was racist when he cited her numerous times for showing up late and leaving early. She also claimed the job was set up as to discriminate against anyone who had to use public transportation (which she did not use). At her first job at a nursing home, working third shift, she claimed all the old white people said nasty things to her at night when no one else was around, and she was granted a first shift position. At her wedding, she called the DJ service to claim the DJ was racist because he was a white guy who yelled, “Damn, Baby-Girl!” when a bridesmaid fought for and won the bouquet; received a discount. At the birth of her child, she used “some white girl’s” phone number on documents. When the bills went unpaid, the owner of the phone number received dozens of phone calls from bill collectors. While this is not exactly playing the race card and was detrimental to her own credit, it was seen as a devious use of the system for potential personal gain by the selection committee. When running a daycare out of her grandmother’s house, she received state money for working mothers, whether or not the children showed up. Ke-Ke made enough money for a new Mercedes and a large down payment on a house in Germantown. Her grandmother was investigated by government officials who could not determine if any fraud had occurred. When putting an offer in on a house in Germantown, she told the realtor that she heard white folks didn’t like to sell to people like her, and that she knew who to contact if she found out the house sold to someone else; she got the house. She was named as the owner of a minority-run small business, even though she had nothing to do with the business. The business won minority-only contracts, and she received extra income for several years. When her daughter was not supposed to get a bus to her local public school because she lived within the two-mile limit, Ke-Ke went to the school board and said that her people fought to win the right to ride the bus and they better not take that right away from her daughter. She was granted a special exception. As the only African American white collar employee at her Waukesha County firm, she asked for and received the added position of Director of Diversity for a 20% raise. She sends out monthly website links to articles on diversity. She talks using Black English Vernacular when she wants get her way by use of intimidation at work. However, she stresses that this can only be done a couple of times per month. “People who talk like they’re from the hood from day one end up back in the hood without a job real quick, but if you talk like a white person and then slap em upside the head with ebonics, it’s like EF Hutton showed up.” She keeps her daughter’s teachers on their best behavior with monthly veiled threats. “I don’t come out and tell them they’re racist and I’m going to sue all the time. I’d rather tell them that saying my daughter is lazy might seem racist or that accidentally bumping into her is the kind of thing that could get a teacher fired.” Watson says that her daughter is on the fast track to success because of her own effective playing of the race card at school. “She knows that liberal white folks are the best targets, and no one is more liberal than teachers. No teacher wants to get reprimanded for being racist, so playing the race card in a public school is an automatic win. That’s my job as a parent: to teach my daughter all I have learned.” The Society of Unified Entities will present Ke-Ke with the gift of a “charged-up” SNAP card worth over $250 and an actual laminated race card.

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