Men feel good around Sarah PalinGovernor Sarah Palin’s visit to the United Nations sparked a lively debate after she left, with leaders discussing how they would handle her as an elected official. While the mainstream media portrays Palin as a stupid hockey mom flirt, UN officials saw her as a woman with the potential to make lasting relationships with other countries.

Vladimir Putin, who stopped in to see his Alaskan neighbor, began the discussion when he asked to be recognized by General Assembly President Miguel D’Escoto. “Mr. President,” he said, “I just want say for record that I like give Mrs. Palin Gulag treatment.” With Putin’s sometimes strange behavior and ties to the KGB, Ambassador T. Vance McMahan of the United States asked Putin for clarification. Putin responded with, “Ah, Gulag is reverse Russian Ballerina position. Both stand, but Ballerina from behind and Gulag from front. Pretty face, I go from front.” The room remained silent for a number of minutes while translators scrambled to make sense of the statement and move past the embarrassment.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy, also at the initial meeting of the 63rd General Assembly, finally broke the silence. “I would not kick her out of bed for eating chocolate mousse… Is that not right, Chocolate Moose?” he said as he talked in the general direction of his midsection. Mild laughter followed Sarkozy’s revelation, but Afghan President Hamid Karzai demanded to be heard next.

Said Karzai, “Let me say that I just sat down and talked with Mrs. Palin and she would make a fine addition to any government office. And I am willing to give her knee pads so she will not get rug burn on my hand-woven rugs. And for his trouble, I give her husband a yak.” The chamber erupted with laughter.

British delegate William Blake asked to be heard as well, and he began,” Let us not diminish in any way the accomplishments of women, I say. In general extracurricular or with Mrs. Palin in particular. She has weathered the Alaskan storms and many Idaho dorms. But in this debate expeditionary, my choice is… missionary.”

“I like zee leather. Und maybe bottle or American baseball bat. Too far? Ach, you UN babies. You sink the German always goes too far. Always spanking us. ‘Naughty Germans,’ you say. ‘naughty.’ OK, fine, I get her drunk and fall asleep on her like American pretty-boys do to our sweet Munich girls during Octoberfest.”

His Excellency Archbishop Celestino Migliore, permanent UN observer of the Holy See, tried to quell the debate. “You know not what you say, my children. You speak not of love but of other things. You speak not of relationships but of bondage. You’d  really be best to get her by the custom of beasts. Aruuuh!”

The locker room-style banter continued for some time, but eventually (like watching dirty movies with your friends or demonizing President Bush for going to war for no purpose), the whole thing got kind of old, and everyone went home to search for pictures of Palin online.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 6140
American Dreaming With Dan Brubus Capitalism always wins. Pure and simple. America developed the F-14 Tomcat over many years. It was used to keep the world safe, but now it’s time to sell the leftovers to the highest bidder. Yes, the highest bidder does happen to be on my short list of countries I’d like to see blown up by next year, but we can benefit from their desire to bolster their military before we crush them. We should sell F-14 Tomcats to Iran because we have the greatest military on earth and our treasury could use the cash to help fund the war on terror.
Monday, July 30, 2007 5165
Dear Biker Chick How is it best to score with a biker chick? Signed Nad Suburb It's probably best when you are both satisfied afterwards, but be certain she is. If you're asking how to get her to fall in love with you, it's the same with all women: have the balls to ask her out, buy her a few drinks, tell her she looks pretty fairly often and that the scar on her face adds character, and ask to see her tattoos. You might want to listen to what she says, or at least pretend to, and then you've got her, unless you take her out to the parking lot and you drive a Kia or one of those confused mini-SUVs. Dear Biker Chick That guy holding the sign is kinda cute. Are you dating him? Is there anyway to make his picture load faster so I don't have so much time to diddle while the page downloads? Dear Unsigned Submitter, The guy holding the sign is Homeless John, not because he actually is homeless, but because he looks homeless. Sort of like you look to your friends using your parents' NetZero dial-up connection and complaining about speed. Thanks for the advice, anyhow. I'm not exactly a web designer, but I've got a few photos of me I've resized before, so we got the size a bit smaller for you, and all the other web surfers out there who like things small. As for Homeless John's availability. I wouldn't say we're seeing each other, but he is a good man. Submit a photo so we can post it on our web page, and John can determine if you're his type. ---> and pick up some of those cigars over there while you're at it or click on a damn google ad so I can get some new pipes on my bike.

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