Cubs choke! Cubs choke!Normally, fans at home hate it when television broadcasts of sports focus on elements of the game that are irrelevant, like the wife of the coach or little kids with stupid signs. However, in the last two Cubs games, TBS was irresponsible in their decision to refrain from showing the crowd (until after most viewers tuned out) as the Cubs choked once again.

Cubs fans are the most annoying in the country, besides Boston fans, and everyone around the country wants to see them suffer. Unfortunately, we are unable to see Boston fans suffer because they won in basketball, baseball, and football recently, though the Super Bowl collapse was magnificent. Anyway, Cubs fans are pretty much as ridiculous as Boston fans. They love their team when they have no reason and they blame everyone else when their team loses.

Cubs fans show up to be seen, so why not show them between each pitch when the Cubs are losing? In a city with so much anonymity, Cubs fans relish the chance to stand and cheer for their perennial losers because some boys at the office might see them at the park. Fans sit in their cars during Chicago traffic jams, contemplating ways they will give each other high-fives in the stands or wear clever t-shirts to be discussed by the television analysts. Unfortunately for the rest of us, Cubs fans tend to be too large, old, smelly, and lacking in class, like the city they live next to in their suburban neighborhoods.

Cubs fans are all like Harry Caray. Some of them might be senile, but most of them are just simple people who enjoy beer and shiny helmets. Many of them also like watching talented people fall apart when it matters most, probably because they’re all second-fiddle at some important Chicago-based multi-national company. When asked if Chicago fans are in fact like him, Harry Caray said, “Haaay! Where’s Ryno and Howard ‘Ho Jo’ Johnson and Sammy. I like the pretty putter-puff clouds in the sky and, whoa, look at her in the stands! It’s Mildred Anderson’s 95th birthday today. Holy Cow!”

And, of course, as I write this article, the Dodgers score again in the 8th inning, and TBS finally decides to show just about every fan in the stands. Apparently, they got my angry phone call—I’d much rather see suffering Chicago Cubs fans than “Frank TV” ads. Edmonds just dropped a ball in center because he had to pick up his Geritol on his way to catching it. Speaking of defense, the Cubs demonstrated their lack of ability there as well, with Derek Lee making Prince Fielder look like a gold glover, and that’s really hard to do. All four infielders made errors in the game, which should make Ricky Weeks feel better about his sorry self.

OK, OK, late in the game, TBS began showing just about every fan who looked like his daughter just got knocked up by a hockey player. Then they showed Ron Santo’s old fat ass doing the radio broadcast, assuming he actually wants a Cubs team to do what his couldn’t.

As for the Curse of the Billy Goat: We all saw with the Boston Red Stockings, curses can eventually be broken, and once Lou Piniella shows genuine affection for a goat by at least calling one afterwards, the only curses left at Wrigley will be the Curse of the Lights (1988) and the Curse of the Gum, enacted by an angry dentist in 1996, as well as the Curse of the Idiot Fans and the Curse of the Take me Out to the Ballgame Retardedness, which will continue indefinitely.

Friday, June 16, 2017 11187
Conservative Parents have traditionally used traditional names for their children, even as some of them make valiant efforts to be as unique as artsy, liberal parents. While there have been spikes in names like George, Barbara, and Nancy within the past few decades, imaginative conservatives have chosen Reagan as a go-to name, as well. The realization that George II was a bit of a dope followed by nearly a decade of a Muslim-named president led to such names as Easton, Wilson, Rawlings, Spalding, Mizuno, and Bombat, as GenXers to Millennials remembered the simple times of playing baseball at the sandlot. Now that Donald Trump is our fearless leader, there will be a spike in names associated with the president. Sara Manning of has predicted that, barring an impeachment, Donald will surpass Aiden, Kaden, and Jayden in the top ten of American baby names. “While conservatives tend to choose more traditional names or names associated with power rather than trailer park names like Jayden, it will be nice to see some of our names supplanting those of the downtrodden,” Manning said. “For the girls, the obvious choice will be Ivanka, a name that symbolizes female power and beauty.” According to Manning, Trump will not be a first name, but Bannon and Conway will be excellent male names. Some will go a bit further in order to be unique, choosing Vlad for a boy destined to lead the family business with an iron fist. While Sergey will likely not see a surge because of its propensity to elicit “SirGay” from the masses, Kislyak can be a cute girl’s name. Other names that will entice the refined parent include Pence as either boy or girl, Tillerson or Mattis for the boys, and Carson for .2% of minority boys. While Flynn, Carter, and Page will be on the outside looking in, Assange will likely become a female name in the near future. For those looking to make a bold statement, Kremlin would work for either boy or girl. Manning claims that press attacks on Eric will limit the name’s resurgence, but Barron will hit the charts along with Melania. However, Tiffany and Marla are considered as tasteless as Hillary for the true conservative. “You wouldn’t name your kid Golddigger or Bitch, would you?” asked Manning.
Monday, July 30, 2007 5590
Dear Biker Chick How is it best to score with a biker chick? Signed Nad Suburb It's probably best when you are both satisfied afterwards, but be certain she is. If you're asking how to get her to fall in love with you, it's the same with all women: have the balls to ask her out, buy her a few drinks, tell her she looks pretty fairly often and that the scar on her face adds character, and ask to see her tattoos. You might want to listen to what she says, or at least pretend to, and then you've got her, unless you take her out to the parking lot and you drive a Kia or one of those confused mini-SUVs. Dear Biker Chick That guy holding the sign is kinda cute. Are you dating him? Is there anyway to make his picture load faster so I don't have so much time to diddle while the page downloads? Dear Unsigned Submitter, The guy holding the sign is Homeless John, not because he actually is homeless, but because he looks homeless. Sort of like you look to your friends using your parents' NetZero dial-up connection and complaining about speed. Thanks for the advice, anyhow. I'm not exactly a web designer, but I've got a few photos of me I've resized before, so we got the size a bit smaller for you, and all the other web surfers out there who like things small. As for Homeless John's availability. I wouldn't say we're seeing each other, but he is a good man. Submit a photo so we can post it on our web page, and John can determine if you're his type. ---> and pick up some of those cigars over there while you're at it or click on a damn google ad so I can get some new pipes on my bike.

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