Sarah Palin Proves Abstinence-Only Education Works, Especially For Others

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The possible next vice president of the United States has proven that abstinence-only education works in schools and for families, especially for other people’s families, and the proof is in the fact that fewer youngsters know much about sex before they have it.

 

While some people believe that sex education helps young people understand the risks of teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and catty behavior amongst their peers, Palin and others feel that learning about sex only encourages teens to have sex at a younger age. Supporters of abstinence-only education feel that the home is the right place to avoid learning about sex, and the issues such as teen pregnancy and social diseases are not the concern of government but of families.

When asked by Real Wisconsin News how the daughter of a socially-conservative politician could get pregnant at a young age, Palin said, “Bill Clinton and his public escapades gave children the wrong impression about sex, and unregulated television and internet broadcasts allow children access to material they should not see. This is a problem a strong socially-conservative administration can regulate more fully. My daughter is the victim of a morally-corrupt society that uses sex to sell everything from condoms to beer.”

Palin continued, “My daughter will finish high school and marry the young man who also is a victim of society. While they did not wait until marriage to have sex and may suffer eternal damnation, we are proud of her for keeping the child and we are way more proud to be grandparents. Our daughter will learn a valuable lesson about not having sex from this experience, and whatever does not cause us to disown her will make her stronger in the end. Besides, she will be reminded of her sin every morning at 2:00 and 5:30 for the first three months.”

Real Wisconsin News asked Mrs. Palin if lines such as “You can’t get pregnant the first time” or “Everyone else is doing it” were used on her daughter. She responded, “As I said, because of morally-corrupt Democrats, everyone IS doing it, and obviously you can’t get pregnant the first time, so they must have been done it at least twice. Since women cannot get pregnant while on top or standing up, they, you get the picture. And she obviously did not immediately take a shower or urinate, or jump backwards nine times before the sun came up, probably because those heathen pornographic programs the children somehow get access to in other parents’ homes never demonstrate proven contraceptive behaviors, and we were waiting to talk to her about it until she was twenty-three. It’s not like WE let her do anything more than hold hands and exchange promise rings with her boyfriend, but the liberal media continually bombards children with ideas that saving yourself until marriage is just silly.”

When asked about the situation, Obama said that families are off-limits, which may seem like a strange strategy to take versus a socially-conservative candidate running on a platform of idealistic morals and ethics. “Hey,” Obama said, “we don’t need another Dick-Cheney-lesbian-daughter fiasco. When he told Edwards he’d crossed the line, Democrats realized we couldn’t make moral issues the Republicans force on others about their own families, because that’s off-limits.”

Real Wisconsin News also asked the governor if she had learned anything from her family’s situation that will help her as president when McCain succumbs to old-age. “I learned that when people tell you they’re ‘studying’ in their room, you should check on them every once in a while. I learned that the FCC needs to be more Christian in its decision-making. I learned that we need education reform because abstinence-only education is not being taught in our schools as well as it should be. And finally, I learned that we cannot blame ourselves for the problems obviously caused by others, and we just have to maintain the same values and stay the course.

When asked why McCain chose Palin even though he knew about the pregnancy, McCain campaign manager Rick Davis said, “The reality is that people get excited about young people having sex, and the pregnancy should catapult the McCain/Palin ticket to the presidency. Besides, all we have to do is tell the Democrats that they can’t talk about it because families are off-limits, and they run like the cowards they are. Our GOP operatives and Fox News have become near-perfect at spinning public opinion, and this is no different. Palin’s a working mom who can’t be with her daughter every second of every day, which makes her ‘more human.’ Bush won two elections because people saw him as human instead of just stupid.”

 

Charlton Heston's Gun Finally Pried From His Cold, Dead Hands

Sunday, May 25, 2008 40841
Weeks after film star and National Rifle Association spokesman Charlton Heston died, authorities were finally able to separate him from his gun. Mr. Heston had apparently been sleeping with the 1873 Winchester Rifle, sometimes claiming he was “going home” with the gun. Unfortunately and ironically, Heston cannot be buried with the gun because of state laws, and because he had promised the gun to the NRA to be auctioned off. In an interview with Real Wisconsin News, NRA President John C. Sigler said that he felt terrible that they had to exhume the body and pry the gun from Heston’s hands, but since the law had forbade the burial and an eBay auction would likely pay his salary for the year, the only choice was to “retrieve the gun for the rights of all mankind.” California had initially allowed the burial to take place, with authorities assuming the rifle was a replica used to signify Heston’s allegiance to the NRA, not a loaded, fully-functioning rifle that nobody could pry away from the Hollywood star. California Attorney General Edmund G. Brown Jr. said that people can be buried with pretty much whatever they please, but when it’s a loaded gun, the standard grave robberies that happen to all of the stars’ bodies takes on a more sinister note. “Each Hollywood legend gets dug back up at least once—you know, some deranged fan or grave-robber, hoping the celebrity’s family didn’t take every last jewelry item to the local pawn shop. However, it’s against the California state penal code to leave a loaded weapon right where kids could get at it, and people often use the kids to go down in the holes they dig to the caskets. And let me tell you, some of the things people do to those celebrities makes me glad I’m a lawyer and not a star, and that says a lot coming from a lawyer.” One detail that complicated the retrieval of the gun was the fact that Heston had been buried in his gun safe, and instead of the normal pry-open-wearing-a-mask scenario, the Beverly Hills SWAT Team had to be called in to set C4 explosives on the safe. “It was a top-of-the-line model,” said Brown. “Actually, had we known exactly what Mr. Heston was buried in, we may not have attempted the exhumation, but no one at the funeral really thought the casket was a real gun safe, either.” The gun was finally retrieved, as was most of Mr. Heston. The state of California poured concrete over the safe in order to ensure the privacy Heston desired was still intact, and the gun was unloaded and given to the NRA. “Actually, the C4 did a pretty good job of severing one hand from the gun,” said Brown, “but we did have to pry it out of the other hand. I gained a lot of respect for Charlton Heston today.”
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Man Who Lost Dream Home to Flooding Says it is Not Enough Nobody Was Not Hurt

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 33039
James Trebedeau and his wife Linda built their dream home along the Fox River in Brookfield two years ago. Now, they stand a few hundred yards from the home as a cleaning crew pulls out their furniture, paintings, rare Ming Dynasty vases, and various other items from the sprawling ranch. To James, it’s not enough that nobody was not hurt. “I worked hard for the items with which I furnished my home,” said the lawyer. “We lost everything, and all the news keeps saying is that people have been lucky to survive. What a load of crap!” Linda, a doctor who works in Milwaukee, added, “We’ve never done anything to deserve this. It’s not like we live in some project on Hampton in the core and expect raw sewerage in our house. We’re not dealing drugs here or stealing from others, so why are we having to live with my sister in Sussex?” Linda says that they cannot estimate the value of the items lost to the rising waters, and she was disgusted by the lackluster efforts of hired workers to save their possessions. “One little Mexican fellow waded in and pulled out an unframed Vitold oil painting with his greasy bare hands. And he acted like he was doing us a favor!” James was also disappointed with the relief efforts of various organizations. “The Red Cross offered us sandwiches on week-old white bread. Like something one of the workers pulled out of a metal lunch pail from the back of his pickup. And water… if I wanted water, I’d walk into my den with a Laliques decanter and scoop some up. I needed a real drink to deal with the carnage, not plastic-bottled city water.” The Trebedeaus built their home on an area once zoned as a wildlife refuge and natural flood plain, but reclaimed by Brookfield for expansion. “We bought the lot because it was on the other side of the river from the seedy townhouses going up, and it allowed us a beautiful view of the river and many of the mature trees left over after the land was flattened for development,” said James. “The only annoying thing about living here, until my home was decimated, was all the toads I run over with my Escalade. It’s a very peaceful location.” All the Trebedeaus can do now is hope for the water to recede and for some sort of Federal aide to help them rebuild. “I pay more in taxes than the average American earns in a year, and I expect to have a brand new home by this time next year,” said the lawyer. “And, no, it’s not enough that everyone’s safe. Brookfield owes me for allowing me to build here. The builder owes me for not building my house high enough to avoid flood waters. The companies who produced the pumps and sandbags owe me because their products did not perform up to spec. GM owes me because that piece of junk Escalade crapped out on me on River Rd. while I was going to hire some help—if a top-of-the-line SUV cannot go through a few feet of water without stalling, it might as well be Kia Sedona. And finally, the salvage company I hired owes be big for mishandling our goods while pulling them out of the water. All in all, we deserve much better than this, and even if nobody is hurt right now, someone will lose his meager livelihood because of this.”
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