Milwaukee’s Common Council has decided that its 2008 crackdown on violent and illegal fireworks was so successful that next year they will vote on a gun ban on the holiday. Milwaukee police focused on threatening to issue hefty tickets of up to $1000 for the discharge of fireworks, as well as up to 40 days in jail for not paying the fines. Parents whose children lit one up could have faced fines up to $1000 as well.

City residents were forced to use other ways to have fun on the holiday, including drinking excessively and shooting handguns. James Grimes, a longtime North Side resident, said he let his kids play with his legally registered handguns instead of buying the children fireworks and risking a big fine. “Really, what’s the difference in noise between a gun, an M-80, and some dynamite?” he asked. “Well, the guns are legal, cheaper, can keep people from ganking my shit, and don’t blow up in the hand of the cat firing them. And they’s all loud, so the kids like the guns just the same.”

After a violent Fourth of July, Milwaukee may try to enact a firearms ban similar to the one shot down by the US Supreme Court in Washington DC. Many area residents, however, see the murders as a right and responsibility of being an American. “We have the right to bear arms,” said Colt Wessen of Hubertus. “A bunch of tree-huggin demon-crats won’t tell me to turn in my gun, and anyone stupid enough to live in Milwaukee should be heavily armed. It’s like the Old West, where a man could prove himself with a gun. I practice my draw a lot, just in case I ever end up on North Avenue having to gas up my Dodge Ram.”

Pete Emerson of Milwaukee’s West Side said, “People should know better than to be out partying in the ghetto, but I can understand why people were shooting guns instead of fireworks because I myself didn’t bother to light my traditional snakes, punks, and sparklers this year. What’ll we have left if they ban guns, too?”

Kathy Krzwenczka of Milwaukee’s South Side asked, “Can’t we all just get along? Especially on the Fourth of July, which is all about worldwide brotherhood and the spreading of democracy to poor people, like the people who live in the bad neighborhoods in Milwaukee. But if people want to get guns and shoot at each other, it’s pretty much part of one of their amended rights, except for we should have the death penalty.”

Mayor Barrett said he would veto any law that bans guns in Milwaukee. “Haven’t we done enough to ban fireworks?” he asked. “Really, will it be any safer if we confiscate guns? People will simply use knives or baseball bats or nooses to hurt each other if they really want to. Then we’d have to ban rope. The Milwaukee Police department will continue to make strides to clear the streets of dangerous fireworks , but we cannot and will not infringe on the rights of Americans to bear arms. Not on my watch, anyway; especially on the Fourth of July!”

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 13414
President Bush, in a startling use of language last week, properly used a multi-syllabic word in a sentence. Describing newly declared Presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama as "articulate," Bush successfully made the attempt to string together several words without bumbling. As it turned out however, supporters of Senator Obama, couldn't appreciate the historic occasion.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 15049
The state of Wisconsin is currently considering adding another season for all you hunters out there. Now you could have the chance to legally harvest those wall mounting cardinal, finches, and orioles that have been hanging out around your bird feeder, instead of just the squirrels.Wisconsin State Representative Joel Kleefisch, a Republican and a real man, has proposed a bill that will allow the hunters of Wisconsin a chance to knock down the overpopulated songbird population. Joel stated in a recent interview, “I’m tired of having to fill my bird feeder twice a day in order to feed all those songbirds.” In light of the passing of the bill for mourning dove hunting in 2001 in the state allowing hunting of them for the first time since 1918, hunters are hoping this will also be passed. Jeb Franken stated in an interview: “I’ve been picking off them stupid squirrels for years around my feeder, but what I really want is a nice cardinal roast for supper one of these days. I hope this will be a step in the right direction.”

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