Who hasn’t wondered from time to time, “How do these half-yuppie, half-hippies dancing in front of me at Summerfest keep f@#$ing procreating? Who keeps filming Mel Gibson movies?” or “How can there still be fans of the NY Yankees or Minnesota Vikings?” These are rigorous and valid questions. Darwin’s principles of natural selection tell us that undesirable characteristics and behaviors are selected against in the breeding process. After millions of years of human evolution, shouldn’t we be able to live a life free of these douchebags?

Darwin’s theory of natural selection is simple. If the female peacock has three mates from which to choose – one with blue plumage, one with red plumage, and one who calls himself a vegetarian despite eating chicken and fish, she will choose either of the first two, for colorful plumage is a desirable characteristic for peacocks, whereas pompous insincerity is not. After all, nobody wants to hear that shit. Over time, these jackasses are less able to find mates, their genes do not get passed along, and eventually these behaviors have left the population.

Humans have had over 50 million years to evolve, and we know douchebags have been a scourge on human existence dating back to the early Egyptian kingdoms after the Rosetta Stone allowed researchers to determine that the phalli with hairy balls scratched in the back of the Great Sphynx of Giza were not, in fact, hieroglyphics. So we know it is not a question of not having enough time to evolve.

[Editors Note: Even if you are one of those douchebags that believes in intelligent design, there remains an inconsistency. One can only help but conclude that no righteous God would ever smite the world with a plague of douchebags. Does God consider this design ‘intelligent’?? We must search for other reasons.]

Douchebags could mate selectively with each other to pass down these characteristics, but given the length of time in question, this would have lead to the development of a separate species. By selectively mating together, the genetic material of these helmets would concentrate with each successive generation until they would be incapable of mating with the rest of us [The principle of Divergent Evolution]. The baboon at the zoo picking his ass would not be the gentleman in front of you at Pick n’ Save. Humans have been evolving for over 50 million years – plenty of time for the gene which propels some dipshit to book Elton John for Harleyfest to have been eliminated from the population.

The principles of genetics

We return now to conundrum of the dicktard flailing his arms and legs in front of you at Summerfest, knocking over your beer in an attempt to impress a skeptical potential mate.

There has certainly been sufficient time for evolution to have had an effect, and we can see that he will not be mating… So why has this behavior has not evolved out?

The answer lies in genetics. The impulse which causes people to fart in an elevator is a phenotype caused by our genes. Genes are passed to offspring through the individual chromosomes of the parents. Humans have two chromosomes, each with the gene for a particular characteristic. Only one of the genes that controls a behavior or characteristic – e.g. whether an individual runs for governor - will be expressed In genetic parlance the chromosome most likely to be expressed is called “dominant” with the other being labeled “recessive”. Let us label this politician gene “d” for douchebag. There are three possible combinations in the parent generation.



The first, homozygous autosomal dominant DD is a normal person. In the second, the dominant “D” gene selects again for a normal person in the heterozygote. It is only the last combination, homozygous recessive “dd” that you see driving 48 in the left hand lane.

In the process of meiosis, each parent will donate only one of their chromosomes. We therefore see the following possibilities in the progeny generation:

For the homozygous autosomal dominant (DD):

DD x DD à DD for all children [all normal]

DD x Dd à DD (50%), Dd, (50%) [all normal]

DD x dd à Dd for all children [all normal]

For the heterozygote (Dd):

Dd x DD à DD (50%), dD (50%) [all normal]

Dd x Dd à DD (25%), Dd (50%), dd (25%) [75% normal, quarter asswipe]

Dd x dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [half asswipe]

And lastly for homozygous retarded (dd):

dd x DD à Dd for all children [all normal]

dd x Dd à Dd (50%), dd(50%) [50% refer to themselves in 3rd person]

dd x dd à dd for all children [and also inherit Hilton estate]

Even assuming that no reasonable individual mates with one of these [dd] jackasses, the presence of the hidden recessive “d” gene in the asymptomatic carriers [Dd heterozygote] allows for two seemingly normal individuals to give birth to Tom Cruise or Terrell Owens. And this end result is why you spend so much time at the DMV.

Depressing as this is, the scientific community continues to work tirelessly to develop in utero tests via amniocentesis that would allow for diagnosis of the douchebag gene before birth. There are also several phase II trials studying the effect of a novel pharmaceutical agent debaginase douchopranol as a potential treatment modality. The company behind development is trying to scale-up research & development in preparation for the 2008 U.S. presidential primaries.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 15006
At a time when radical factions tend to push away from one another, Valentine’s Day has brought together three groups that are often at odds with one another. Protests erupted in India on Valentine’s Day, as radical Hindus of the Shiv Sena Neighborhood Watch Organization and radical Muslims of the Forum Against Social Evil demonstrated outside local restaurants offering Valentine’s Day specials. The Shiv Senas declared, "Death to Valentine's Day" and "People who celebrate Valentine's Day should be pelted with shoes!
Wednesday, January 04, 2006 4876
AP— Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin will join the bidding war to host the 2012 Summer Olympics next year, according to sources familiar with local village politics. The unlikely bid will come from Wisconsin’s Largest Village, which would also become the largest village ever to host the Olympics. Menomonee Falls officials welcome the challenge to out-bid cities such as Chicago, Baltimore, and Philadelphia. International challengers include Rio de Janeiro, Madrid, Moscow, and Rotterdam. When asked about the chances of a village hosting the Summer Games, one local official said, “Some of those cities aren’t even in the United States, and the ones in this country have much higher crime rates. Is Rotterdam in Switzerland?” The Village claims that its two swimming pools in the junior high and high school will be the centerpiece of the bid. “Name me one other village in Wisconsin with two indoor pools,” quipped an anonymous village resident. The track and tennis courts are said to be in “fine” condition, as well. Local schools will be turned into dormitories, and the high school has been slated to house the Eastern European teams because they would be “used to the conditions,” according to a source at the high school.

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