In a surprise declaration, the State Department has added its own government to its list of top human rights violators after the release of documents proving the use of enhanced interrogation techniques against captured suspected members of Al-Qaeda. A State Department spokesman said, “The United States government has proven once again that it ignores all international laws and standards, as well as the Constitution, in its own interest, both here and abroad." 

 

President Bush has maintained that the fact that the country was at war and that the interrogations took place overseas trumps any international jurisdiction over the torture techniques. However, the State Department argues that most countries only usurp the rights of their own citizens, while America has been clear that it wants to usurp the rights of all citizens, including its own.

 

The State Department also points to the loss of American rights over the past several years. “Citizens in America do not enjoy the rights they once had,” a department press release concludes. “American citizens have lost more rights over the years than citizens from Syria ever had, which makes our government’s crimes against human rights that much worse.” The State Department points to the Patriot Act as the most visible piece of legislation taking away American rights, but also notes unauthorized wiretaps, wholesale monitoring of the internet (yes, they know you’re reading this article), and the sneaky implementation of the national ID cards. The State Department also cited military access to high school records, as well as extended government access to medical records.

 “Think about it,” said on State Department official, “the US government has more information either on file or at their fingertips about each and every one of us than the Burmese government could possibly compile about one insurgent. When a person in Zimbabwe wants to add a corrugated tin addition to his hut, do you think he gets a permit and an inspector, or that his DIY internet plans are monitored?”

While China was recently left off the list because it has too many citizens and not enough pirated software to monitor them with, the United States has begun the process of keeping tabs on all its citizens. “This is a land where men used to be able to keep a secret wife and family in another state if he really wanted to, but now that’s pretty much impossible.”

 Here is the current list of the State Department’s human rights violators: North Korea, Burma, Iran, Syria, Zimbabwe, Cuba, Belarus, Uzbekistan, The United States, and Sudan.
Thursday, August 02, 2007 5837
Could a law professor lose his job for making fun of Hmong people? That’s the question UW-Madison officials will tackle soon, as the case of what a professor named Kaplan said about the Hmong during a lecture recently. The question isn’t whether or not his remarks were accurate, but whether or not he has the right to say them. Let’s put it right out there: he is accused of saying that Hmong men only know how to kill things and that their sons tend to be in gangs, or to be more accurate, we’ll quote the quote of an email quote: “’ Hmong men have no talent other than to kill,’" "’all-second generation Hmong end up in gangs and other criminal activity’" and "’all men purchase their wives, so if he wants to have sex with his wife and she doesn't consent, you and I call it rape, but the Hmong guy is thinking, 'Man, I paid too much for her!' ‘" (Please, any representatives of MLA or APA, help us out here.)
Friday, May 25, 2007 37065
Special advertising section When AirTran finally closes the deal for Midwest Airlines, it will be searching for employees who are able to work in a fast-paced, competitive environment. AirTran officials said potential employees are encouraged to joke around a bit, like when a supervisor dons a white hood and claims to be in the KKK. Men who work for the company can be assured that if they make advances on a female and she refuses, a bit of good-natured kicking to her posterior is completely acceptable. Men might also enjoy the perks of being able to simulate sex with female employees and passing nude photos around the workplace. Men can be assured that they will have a voice in the company, always being allowed to ask female employees to take pictures of their breasts.

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