In a surprise declaration, the State Department has added its own government to its list of top human rights violators after the release of documents proving the use of enhanced interrogation techniques against captured suspected members of Al-Qaeda. A State Department spokesman said, “The United States government has proven once again that it ignores all international laws and standards, as well as the Constitution, in its own interest, both here and abroad." 

 

President Bush has maintained that the fact that the country was at war and that the interrogations took place overseas trumps any international jurisdiction over the torture techniques. However, the State Department argues that most countries only usurp the rights of their own citizens, while America has been clear that it wants to usurp the rights of all citizens, including its own.

 

The State Department also points to the loss of American rights over the past several years. “Citizens in America do not enjoy the rights they once had,” a department press release concludes. “American citizens have lost more rights over the years than citizens from Syria ever had, which makes our government’s crimes against human rights that much worse.” The State Department points to the Patriot Act as the most visible piece of legislation taking away American rights, but also notes unauthorized wiretaps, wholesale monitoring of the internet (yes, they know you’re reading this article), and the sneaky implementation of the national ID cards. The State Department also cited military access to high school records, as well as extended government access to medical records.

 “Think about it,” said on State Department official, “the US government has more information either on file or at their fingertips about each and every one of us than the Burmese government could possibly compile about one insurgent. When a person in Zimbabwe wants to add a corrugated tin addition to his hut, do you think he gets a permit and an inspector, or that his DIY internet plans are monitored?”

While China was recently left off the list because it has too many citizens and not enough pirated software to monitor them with, the United States has begun the process of keeping tabs on all its citizens. “This is a land where men used to be able to keep a secret wife and family in another state if he really wanted to, but now that’s pretty much impossible.”

 Here is the current list of the State Department’s human rights violators: North Korea, Burma, Iran, Syria, Zimbabwe, Cuba, Belarus, Uzbekistan, The United States, and Sudan.
Sunday, March 21, 2010 11767
Satan, Lucifer, the Devil. One being with many names and as many ways of claiming the souls of humans. However, the Father of all Lies has decided to destroy his contract for George W. Bush’s soul because of what the Evil One calls a breach of that contract.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016 17452
After Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky by getting blow jobs, male students across the country began using The Slick Willie argument with their female classmates, and fellatio became a part of the normal high school rite of passage in the late 90s (to the dismay of all males who graduated in the early 90s). A similar phenomenon is beginning to occur at schools, including those with conservative values: spying on naked girls, uncontrollable kissing, and pussy grabbing. It’s the result of Donald Trump’s revelation that doing this to women is one of his favorite activities. While male high school students have always wanted sex, they have generally asked for it or hoped that situations, such as prom, would naturally lead to it. Bill Clinton’s revolutionary take on sexual relations made oral sex more palatable for young women, leading to such possible events as rainbow parties. These impressionable girls saw a man they respected saying it was not sexual to perform oral sex, so they could feel confident that it was fine to do so. Similarly, young men who respect Donald Trump for his wealth, power, and honesty are now taking his advice about relationships. Guidance counselors all over the nation are reporting an uptick in boys calling girls names, such as fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals. Sometimes worse. However, bullying is nothing new. There is also a notable increase in peeping in locker rooms because of recent allegations that Donald Trump owned beauty pageants so he could look at naked women and girls, though there’s always been such shenanigans. Uncontrollable kissing and pussy grabbing are very new, however, and they are being treated as criminal, even if it’s something The Donald does at will. One high school girl claims she was assaulted by a boy she barely knew during physical education class. “He didn’t even say anything. He just started kissing my neck and cheek while I was waiting for class to start. And then he put his hand on my privates.Gross!” One element that has not been repeated at the nation’s schools is the act of “grabbing” the pussy. All reports have involved touching, rubbing, or attempted digital penetration. By definition, grabbing is “to grasp or seize suddenly and roughly.” While this did happen to the penis of one young man who touched a classmate’s pussy region, no reports of actual pussy grabbing have been reported. Dr. Pam Schmeer explains, “According to Yahoo Answers, the pussy and vagina are interchangeable terms, but the pussy often refers to both internal and external parts of female genitalia, meaning Donald Trump would have been referring to the vulva, or the external part, that includes the labia and clitorus.” The doctor went on to explain that grabbing the pussy lips, even for someone with extremely small hands, would be difficult given the fact that the external parts of the pussy do not protrude out very far. She suggested 2-5mm. She also suggested a grab would not be as much of a turn on as a foot massage, running hands gently through one's hair, or ear licking. That said, gym teachers all over the nation are using grab-puss instead of grab-ass to describe students not working on the task at hand, as in, “Hey, gentlemen, could you stop playing grab-puss long enough to finish your stretching?” Whereas men were allowed to “goose” women decades ago without so much as a lawsuit, the consensus is that if Trump becomes president, men can expect a handful of pussy whenever they see a pretty face. While Donald Trump asserts that all women whose pussies were grabbed were willing participants in his dalliances, some have called for an investigation. However, no woman has come forward to confirm her pussy was grabbed by Donald Trump against her will, suggesting that Trump was correct in his assertion that money and power leads to pussy being there for the grabbing. Unfortunately, most high school boys have neither money nor power, so these young men will be the ones to pay by being added to the sex offender registry for the next two decades.

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