from 2008, lost in the bin Now that the 2008 Presidential Election is at an end, the GOP has released several ideas to help the process in the future, from which President Bush will make an executive order before the end of his term. The changes will include loosening all limits on campaign financing, ending the use of affirmative action to elect officials, and a restructuring of the electorate based on county physical size. Everyone knows that McCain was the co-sponsor of something about campaign finance with Russ “Do I look too liberal in these pants?” Feingold, and that’s why he lost the election. McCain decided to adhere to his own ideals, while Obama went ahead and spent money like a Republican at war, or at a brothel in Taipei. Most analysts believe that Obama bought the election in some key states, and though he may have won the election regardless of spending, he did win the election and did spend more. Therefore, the GOP wants all limits on spending lifted so that the richest 5% of the country (minus Hollywood stars) can once again fully-fund the GOP machine. “We want people who are rich and will get richer under a Republican to wield their wealth like a weapon,” said a senior GOP leader with obvious talent in alliteration. “They didn’t work this hard to get outspent by a few thousand of their employees on Facebook.” The campaign finance portion will also allow for a half of all tithes given to “Christian Coalition” churches to be donated directly to candidates. “God would want it that way,” said Bush of this measure. The often overlooked side-note to the 2008 election was Obama’s use of Affirmative Action to get elected as the nation’s first minority president. Just like many other colleges, the Electoral College has special rules for helping achieve a goal of diversification among the presidents it elects. While the algorithm used is a secret, the general idea is that each vote for Obama was counted as more than the one vote it normally would represent. This is done in order to make up for the under-representation of minorities throughout employment, education, and business. Since the federal government is an equal-opportunity employer and uses quotas to fill its jobs, the presidency was due for a meeting of this quota. The addition of Sarah Palin was meant to offset some of the effect, but a white woman is not worth as much as a black man when it comes to filling quotas. (Had McCain chosen an American Indian woman with a disability, he would have won, given the final vote count.) In addition, Obama will receive free room and board as president, as well as a free meal plan. Obama will also receive extra help in learning how to behave as president, classes President Bush claims he was not offered. Bush added this analysis: “I was left to figure it all out for myself, but the next president will get government assistance, and that’s just not fair.” The final tallies for votes showed that Obama won the popular vote by 7%, while he won more than double the electoral votes. This statistic confounds President Bush, as many statistics tend to do. So when Bush looked at the election map by county, he was even more upset. “The map I saw didn’t even have Alaska, which is big, and McCain won 80% of the counties on the map,” said Bush. “The land in the red counties represents tax-paying individuals and corporations that are not represented at the level at which they own a percentage of the country. I own 1/115,000 th of Texas, and that’s just with my little ranch of 1500 acres. Why should my county count less than, say Houston, just because a lot less people live here? My ranch is big and I pay taxes on every acre. And corporations should count as people, too, because they make decisions for people. If people’s votes were counted based on acres and businesses rather than based on people, then the president would be elected based on American principles of hard work and inheritance rather than dependence on public assistance. And remember, a low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”

After Bill Clinton did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky by getting blow jobs, male students across the country began using The Slick Willie argument with their female classmates, and fellatio became a part of the normal high school rite of passage in the late 90s (to the dismay of all males who graduated in the early 90s). A similar phenomenon is beginning to occur at schools, including those with conservative values: spying on naked girls, uncontrollable kissing, and pussy grabbing. It’s the result of Donald Trump’s revelation that doing this to women is one of his favorite activities. While male high school students have always wanted sex, they have generally asked for it or hoped that situations, such as prom, would naturally lead to it. Bill Clinton’s revolutionary take on sexual relations made oral sex more palatable for young women, leading to such possible events as rainbow parties. These impressionable girls saw a man they respected saying it was not sexual to perform oral sex, so they could feel confident that it was fine to do so. Similarly, young men who respect Donald Trump for his wealth, power, and honesty are now taking his advice about relationships. Guidance counselors all over the nation are reporting an uptick in boys calling girls names, such as fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals. Sometimes worse. However, bullying is nothing new. There is also a notable increase in peeping in locker rooms because of recent allegations that Donald Trump owned beauty pageants so he could look at naked women and girls, though there’s always been such shenanigans. Uncontrollable kissing and pussy grabbing are very new, however, and they are being treated as criminal, even if it’s something The Donald does at will. One high school girl claims she was assaulted by a boy she barely knew during physical education class. “He didn’t even say anything. He just started kissing my neck and cheek while I was waiting for class to start. And then he put his hand on my privates.Gross!” One element that has not been repeated at the nation’s schools is the act of “grabbing” the pussy. All reports have involved touching, rubbing, or attempted digital penetration. By definition, grabbing is “to grasp or seize suddenly and roughly.” While this did happen to the penis of one young man who touched a classmate’s pussy region, no reports of actual pussy grabbing have been reported. Dr. Pam Schmeer explains, “According to Yahoo Answers, the pussy and vagina are interchangeable terms, but the pussy often refers to both internal and external parts of female genitalia, meaning Donald Trump would have been referring to the vulva, or the external part, that includes the labia and clitorus.” The doctor went on to explain that grabbing the pussy lips, even for someone with extremely small hands, would be difficult given the fact that the external parts of the pussy do not protrude out very far. She suggested 2-5mm. She also suggested a grab would not be as much of a turn on as a foot massage, running hands gently through one's hair, or ear licking. That said, gym teachers all over the nation are using grab-puss instead of grab-ass to describe students not working on the task at hand, as in, “Hey, gentlemen, could you stop playing grab-puss long enough to finish your stretching?” Whereas men were allowed to “goose” women decades ago without so much as a lawsuit, the consensus is that if Trump becomes president, men can expect a handful of pussy whenever they see a pretty face. While Donald Trump asserts that all women whose pussies were grabbed were willing participants in his dalliances, some have called for an investigation. However, no woman has come forward to confirm her pussy was grabbed by Donald Trump against her will, suggesting that Trump was correct in his assertion that money and power leads to pussy being there for the grabbing. Unfortunately, most high school boys have neither money nor power, so these young men will be the ones to pay by being added to the sex offender registry for the next two decades.