British military personnelIn a surprise deployment decision, the British have pulled out of the city of Peterborough, England because of homeland attacks on their troops. While the nearby air base will remain operational, the troops have been advised to not enter the city wearing their uniforms because of a barrage of verbal attacks launched by citizens who oppose the war effort.

According to the AP, “It’s like Christina Aguillera wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit at a construction site.” While Britain remains steadfast as a coalition member in Iraq and Afghanistan, the government may have to pull back some of their troops to maintain order at home.

If you are interested in mounting your own verbal assault on soldiers in your community, here’s the Real Wisconsin News Guide to Verbally Assaulting Military Personnel (RWNGVAMP):

  1. Ask military personnel if they learned anything useful in the service. When they talk about hard work, dedication, discipline, and the like, laugh at them and say, “Those aren’t exactly the American ideals you were fighting for.”
  2. Salute them incessantly. When they ask you to stop, claim they’re trying to suppress your rights as a free American and chain yourself to the bar stool.
  3. In a public restroom, ask permission to do everything, as in: “Permission to take a leak, sir? Permission to shake it, sir? Permission to wash my hands, sir? Permission to exit latrine, sir?”
  4. Call Marines “soldiers.” When they correct you, keep doing it. Then run away quickly.
  5. Offer to pay for their drinks at a bar. When they thank you, say, “With what you make and how you manage your money, you can use all the help you can get.”
  6. Go into a recruiting office, fill out all the paperwork, sign on the dotted line, and then say, “Yeah, right, like I’d do that!” and walk out.
Saturday, February 19, 2011 24931
Since the 14 Wisconsin state senators have skipped town for Rockford, Republicans have been planning ways to get them back. They finally have a plan, and it ironically enough involves a train: a ho-train. Since the democratic senators miss Madison, they've apparently been visiting the State Street Station Dancers in Rockford at least once a day. Republican operatives have penetrated deep on the inside, and have apparently enticed some of the girls to work in conjunction with Wisconsin State Patrol to bring at least one senator back in time for a quickie vote.
Sunday, September 23, 2007 23787
Actor and Comedian Martin Lawrence has admitted to Real Wisconsin News that he is in fact Serena Williams, and has been playing her for years. He also plays the role of Serena’s father Richard Williams, as well as Oracene “Big Momma Brandy” Price, Serena’s mother. Lawrence says that he meant no harm by entering the women’s tennis arena. In fact, the entire concept was to provide young tennis phenom Venus Williams with an instant family, but the ruse was simply taken too far.

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