Dear Biker Chick,

I invited all of my friends to a party at my house recently, and almost none of them got back to me, even though I asked for an RSVP. It’s not like I did some afterthought of an email invite; I sent most of them actual letters! I had to overbuy on the food and especially beer, just in case some of my friends brought their alcoholic boyfriends. Has etiquette disappeared so much and is there anything I can do?

Alice in West Allis

Dear Stally Ally,

If you were really popular in high school and maintained that through college in a sorority and then married a rich husband, then you wouldn’t have to worry about this kind of crap. Everyone would want to come over to your McMansion and eat lobster. If you were a burnout and a slut in high school and then got a job in retail before marrying a loser, I know where you’re coming from, and your friends will always attend any party you throw if they’ve got nothing else going on. Don’t expect a reply, and definitely don’t bother with mail—most people probably thought you were rubbing their noses in the fact that they’re still living at home or in some sleazy apartment instead of in their own houses. Send them an email next time and quit your complaining. If you got three people to show up, that’s enough to prove you’ll have someone attend your funeral someday. Stick the food in the freezer and drink the booze until you feel better about the whole thing. And by all means, when they invite you to their house someday, don’t respond, and then either show up trashed and flirt with all the married men or just don’t show up at all if you find something better to do.