Anne Balentine was a fan-favorite back in the 1990s on Milwaukee's Channel Four. Nothing seemed out-of-the-ordinary with her, and I blissfully watched the news until one day my friend told me she had a prosthetic arm.

 

I couldn't help but watch the arm after that day. We should all be bigger than that, but I wondered things like: How far up did it go? Did she take it off at night? If Mike Gousha made an unwanted pass at her and she slapped him with it, could she knock him out?

Anne was a pleasant newscaster and an inspiration to people with disabilities. In fact, she gave me hope that I could someday appear on the news, even though I was slightly overweight, had more than my share of facial acne, and sported more chest hair than the post-1970s average newscaster. Wherever you are Anne, thank you.

Today, Anne is possibly a spokeswoman for a local hospital, but that could be some other Anne Ballentine, I suppose.

Anne, if you're reading this, please buy my book:

Thursday, August 02, 2007 4076
I pay a lot of money to have a luxury suite at Milwaukee Brewers games, or should I say the company that pays me what I’m worth pays a lot for the suite. I say that the rich and famous of Milwaukee deserve to flush whatever they want into the river because we keep the city afloat. I was told that the suites are responsible for the raw sewage being dumped into the river, and that the restrooms may not be available for opening day. That’s simply outrageous! I have some very important Taiwaneese businessmen coming to the game to see Hong-Chih Kuo play and possibly sign a multi-million dollar deal for me, and there is no way they are going to use a port-a-pot so some tree-hugging enviro-nazis can limit the waste in the river.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 12436
American corporation Halliburton received an unprecedented two nominations for Nobel Prizes this year. Halliburton received nominations for the Nobel Prize in Economics, as well as, the Nobel Peace Prize. Said the nominator who requested to remain anonymous, and just be known as Richard, "Is there any doubt that this company has done more to secure world peace than any other? And, they did it with a perfect business model that should be a lesson to all future corporate executives. That's why our board, excuse me, group, nominated Halliburton for two Nobel Prizes."

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