In coming to our position, Real Wisconsin News reviewed the issues and prioritized according to importance. Rated first among our priorities for the next President was his or her ability to keep us from being killed by bad guys, terrorists, those who want oil that we have called dibs on and 1.5 billion Chinese (1.5 billion, holy crap, and they all want a chicken or pork or dog or something in their pots!).
On security, John McCain rated first and Hillary Clinton a close second by our unique scoring methodology. McCain rated his score because he is clearly something of a bad-ass and can be trusted to follow enough of the "Swordfish Theory of International Relations" to scare the hell out of would-be bad guys, as well as, the "Zulu Theory of Warfare " for finishing the job in order to avoid future threats. Hillary Clinton trailed slightly based on the lip service she pays the anti-war crowd, although clearly she realizes a little ass kicking is sometimes in order (ask Bill) and does in fact support a strong military based on her defense funding votes. Barack Obama's message of hope and fairtale happy-endings placed him third due to his lack of a grasp on the real dangers around the planet. Finally pulling up the rear, Mike Huckabee begins his string of last place finishes by claiming he would be strong on defense, has talked with God regarding this issue and saying he'd "pray on it" as a part of his long term strategy.
So, although the image of Mike Huckabee strapping on his Holy Armour and climbing upon his white warsteed to defend us like the great warrior Popes of the middle ages might be cinematically climatic, we believe he'd be woefully overmatched as he tried to instill Christian-Sharia law upon the land by the cave dwelling terrorist masterminds, their IEDs and army of brain dead suicide bombers. And though we hope God is in fact on our side, we're not so sure anymore, since Huckabee, and previously Mitt Romney, both inferred that they have God's cellphone number for finding out what God wants. Frankly, if we are in fact made in God's image, we worry that God might be pretty pissed about the arrogance of the suggestion that a man has any fucking idea what God is thinking. If Huckabee were to become President, Real Wisconsin News is deathly afraid that a vengeful God might wield his Holy flaming fuckstick sword and kick our asses straight to hell.
As an aside, do not confuse our concern with Obama's lack of a grasp on reality regarding foreign dangers, with our whole hearted support of happy-endings.
Our next most important priority after not getting killed, is the ability of the next President to balance corporate interests with those of the general population's economic and social well-being. This issue is particularly complex as it involves not only reducing the power of special interests without causing widespread unemployment from damaging corporations with an overzealous approach to regulation and taxation, but also the overall long-term development of the workforce and social structure through education, capital creation and egaltarian principles. In other words, tax the super rich a little more, tax the middle class a little less, tax corporations about the same, require non-disabled people on welfare to go to school and work part-time, make sure everybody can go to school for cheap, and repair the financial system by reflating the dollar via responsible budgeting so that people can get money to buy homes and start businesses. (Whew, that was tough to type drunk.)
So on this second key issue, Hillary Clinton scored the highest, as she is in bed (figuratively of course) just enough with corporations to not destroy them, yet is clearly a populist. Barack Obama and John McCain tied for second, as Obama is a clear populist and McCain would probably go mostly along with the Democratic Congress as he is much more interested in killing bad guys than being bothered with economics, education and other such nuiscances. Mike Huckabee pulled up the rear as he hasn't finished his Econ 101 class yet and thinks that raising money mostly has to do with telling people that if they give to the Evangelical Southern Baptist Church of Hucksterbee that they will find salvation.
Next on the Real Wisconsin News agenda is saving the enviroment, or at least the water, ground and air. Maybe this should be the first on our priority list, but since it's such an abstract concept that we need to not destroy the planet in order to survive ourselves, we bumped it to third. Here, Barack Obama clearly is in the lead, as he just seems like a big mushy tree hugger. Hillary Clinton came in second because we remember her talking about alternative fuels, John McCain third for the exact same reasons as his placement on socio-economics, and once again Mike Huckabee came in last with "pray on it."
On another side note, RWN is not so sure that "Global Warming" is completely man's fault, though, it's tough to refute the FACT that since the industrial revolution, and now with emerging economies smoking, that carbon levels have increased dramatically and dangerously. We are certain however, that in general, man has been screwing up the planet pretty good the last century or so. Therefore, we would like to see significant enviromental initiatives so that we might avoid testing Carlin's theory that the planet will just shake us off when she's decided she's had enough of us (kinda like that one girlfriend who left without really saying why).
Finally we rated the candidates on their healthcare plans. Senator's Clinton and Obama tied for first as their privately run, mandated style of healthcare plans are essentially similar. Both plans appear financially feasible due to the required private competition by healthcare providers and insurers, and the utility style regulation regarding underwriting and administration. Both plans appear likely to broaden coverage without increasing national costs. McCain came in third once again because he'd again go mostly along with the Democratic Congress with just a touch of conservatism to control anything from getting out of hand. And finally, once again, Mike Huckabee with "pray on it."
On non-core issues, such as, rewriting the constitution to favor Christianity, we didn't rate any of the candidates except Huckabee, who came in last again anyway, as he actually wants to rewrite the Constitution in a way that makes sure that all non-Christians realize that we really do think less of them. Also, Mike Huckabee came in last on abortion rights as he only wants rich women to be able to get an abortion from a doctor with everybody else needing to go to Canada, a "private neighborhood provider" or drop their infants into recycle bins at birth (now pro-lifers, please understand that RWN is pro-life as well, we just prioritize a woman's life above that of a 10 week old embryo. We do agree that abortion beyond the embryonic stage is wrong, however, it's just not feasible, safe or even definitely more moral to prohibit as a matter of law or, by proxy, through funding initiatives, abortions in general- though, in most circumstances, partial-birth abortions ought to be illegal in our opinion. To the rest of our readers, sorry for being so serious there). Finally, Mike Huckabee keeps talking about embryonic stem-cell research even though as of this summer at the University of Wisconsin, it was discovered that we can in fact grow through a replication process stem cells as necessary, thus making the issue largely mute, or moot if you prefer, so we are sending him a subscription to Scientific American so he can keep up.
In summary, though Mike Huckabee seems like a nice guy with a sense of humor, we find him a scary proposition nonetheless. RWN believes a Huckabee Presidency would be likely to cause economic depression (and at least in us regular depression), general social destruction and an overwhelming spike in the death rate of men ages 18-25; so, we reiterate our endorsement of "Anybody But Huckabee."
*Swordfish Theory of International Relations summary:
Stanley: War? Who are we at war with?
Gabriel (John Travolta): Anyone who impinges on America's freedom. Terrorist states, Stanley. Someone must bring their war to them. They bomb a church, we bomb 10. They hijack a plane, we take out an airport. They execute an American tourist, we tactically nuke an entire city. Our job is to make terrorism so horrific that is becomes unthinkable to attack Americans.
*Zulu Theory of Warfare summary:
Shaka: Never leave an enemy behind or it will rise again to fly at your throat.
Special thanks for this article to "Slipper Pig" from Suprise AZ for "Christian-Shiria law" and reference to the warrior Popes.