One of the new morning after pills

People have been making bad decisions about sexual encounters for ages, but a recent development in long-term memory inhibition has led to the creation of a new form of morning-after pill, suitable for both male and female. Both pills promise to erase an uncomfortable situation, but use drastically different methods in doing so.

While neither pill claims to be able to block pregnancy, both are able to block any memory of the act that led to it. The first pill, which has been used in conjunction with therapy to help soldiers with post-traumatic stress disorder, is called propranolol. This pill must be used in conjunction with a 1-800 phone call or an online chat session with a trained therapist in order to be effective. Each series of pills will cost around $500, but it comes with the all-important consultations. A memory must be transferred from short-term memory into long-term memory, and then retrieved, in order to become permanent. Propranolol allows for the links to be broken, but a therapist must be available to help break the links and make sure the memory stays out of the long-term memory storage of the brain. “It’s like a phone number,” said Rene Matin, a  doctor working on the project. “We can remember it long enough to dial the number, but unless we continue to access the number and dial it, the digits will be lost soon after we memorize them to our short-term memory. We simply turn a bad one-night stand into a forgotten phone number.” The package contains five pills and a case number. Once activated, the client is given five consultations, administered in conjunction with taking one pill each session. The effectiveness of propranolol as a memory inhibitor is increased if the event is fresh in the memory, so people are instructed to begin the process of forgetting immediately after waking up and getting away from the situation. “If there is any cuddling or even talking, the effectiveness decreases exponentially,” said Dr. Matin.

While propranolol will be an expensive and hit-or-miss solution for forgetting an unfortunate night, another drug promises to completely erase the memory for a lot less money, but involves an interesting twist. A drug called U0126, marketed under the name Oops, can completely erase a memory if it is taken just before the memory is reenacted. Yes, reenacted! This means that the user would have to take the pill, which creates a limited amnesia state, and then proceed to do what is desired to forget. “Basically, our pill allows people to have two one-night stands and not have to remember either one,” said Paul Pocher, a spokesman for the company.  Some critics think that drugs such as Oops could be abused, but Pocher had this to say: “We all have that one night, or two dozen, that we’d like to forget, and this is a great way to experience that horrible yet memorable night one more time before we forget it forever. It’s actually quite poetic.”

The FDA, made up mostly of employees of the drug companies, has said that the pills are perfectly safe and natural. “Our current stance is that all drugs are natural, since they are all created from something found in nature,” said an FDA spokesman. “However,” he stressed, “we are working on regulating vitamins and other homeopathic pills because they have not been tested by major pharmaceutical corporations for their efficacy and viability in the marketplace.”

This is real science, people. For more articles like this, read this:

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Milwaukee County currently pays nearly $300 per day for juvenile delinquents housed at the Copper Lake Girls School and the Lincoln Hills School for Boys. The locations present problems for family visits and have been under scrutiny for alleged indiscretions. County Executive Chris Abele has made the decision to move the Milwaukee inmates to a lower-priced facility in downtown Milwaukee: the Pfister. Said Abele, “We can put two children per room into the Pfister for an average of $200 per night. That includes maid service and a pretty nice room.” The Pfister has 307 guest rooms, which means it could easily accommodate the young troubled people from the detention centers. For example, Lincoln Hills only has 120 beds, with roughly 90% filled by Milwaukee youth. At two per room, 200 or so Milwaukee girls and boys could be housed in 100 of the Pfister’s rooms for $100 per night. Abele suggests that the county provide $80 per kid per day in food credits for on-site dining. This means that the youngsters would have to learn how to use budgeting skills in order to eat each day. While one inmate might want Maryland Crab Cakes at the Mason Street Grill, he will learn that the $17.50 might be more wisely spent on $16 Herb Seared Chicken at The Cafe at the Pfister. Perhaps a room-service Brioche French Toast for $11, or an $18 Zaffiro’s “Cracker Style Crust” pizza to share. Subtle laughter at the irony, perhaps. According to Abele, the rules will be simple: don’t leave. “These kids have a chance to experience the good life. Would you ever leave the Pfister if someone offered to let you live there?” With a full-service spa, indoor pool, 24-hour fitness center, and wifi, the answer for most of us would be a resounding “No!” School will be provided through an online charter school and can be worked on in the guest rooms or in the lobby. Abele believes the atmosphere will be good for the young men and women, and out-of-town notables, especially the Hollywood elite, will appreciate the diversity and culture provided by young men and women attempting to be reformed at one of Milwaukee’s most notable landmarks. In addition, the youngsters will have the opportunity to intern as employees in the hospitality field. Management has said the inmates will not be allowed to interact with guests or enter occupied rooms to provide maid services, but they can learn to change light bulbs, vacuum the lobby, and deliver food to guests. Wages earned can be used for spa treatments and, extra food credits, or convenience items from the Pfister Gift Shop or Boutique B’Lou (fine women’s apparel). Family members can jump on the 30 and visit in the lobby, but inmates will not be able to invite anyone up to their rooms. “It’s kind of like Shangri-la,” Abele suggested. Some say it’s more like the Hotel California, where inmates can check out any time they want but can never leave. However, even those people would not actually leave if given a sentence to stay. The County Executive’s office has been overrun with applications to work as floor monitors / RAs, who can leave for up to 8 hours per day in rotating shifts. Even Milwaukee Police officers have volunteered. If this Milwaukee Experiment works, similar programs may be established at other top-notch hotels, like the Trump Hotels that currently have empty rooms and plummeting bookings, according to NBC. President Trump would not comment on the idea, but he has said that inner cities are a disaster, so pairing two disasters could make sense.

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