These girls will compete to be the next Pusycat Doll on The CWAfter the most recent Nielsen Ratings placed The CW Network below all other major networks, as well as Univision (Spanish-speaking), the network has decided to take a new direction in programming, targeting Americans with below-average IQs.

“Currently, we target the 18-34 year-old audience,” said Les Moonves, President and CEO of CBS, which co-owns The CW with Warner Brothers. “We acknowledge our weakness in that market, and would like a add programming that will also bring in the 10% of our population with an IQ of 80 or below.” Moonves maintains that many of the shows will not have to change much, since a number of the viewers are pre-teens, whose adult-IQ-equivalent would fall somewhere in the 80 range.

The article gets more moronic here:

Friday, February 08, 2008 34139
America is buzzing about the new diet sensation long thought to be only an eating disorder: Pica. The diet allows people to eat anything they want, as long as the food is made up of non-nutritive substances. As an added bonus, the food is inexpensive and commonly found around the house. Dr. Karen Gregory, founder of the diet, claims anyone can lose unwanted pounds by simply ingesting a multitude of substances they cannot digest. Of course, some real food is required, and the Pica Brand, Inc. is selling snack bars to fulfill that particular need. Pica as an actual eating disorder causes people to inexplicably eat such items as soil, chalk, paper, and coal, as well as food ingredients, like flour. “It’s easier than cooking, anyhow,” said one woman, who lost fifty pounds during Phase I of the diet. “I’m a teacher, so whenever I got that hungry feeling, I’d just reach for some chalk. Sometimes I’d even mix things up a bit and eat the colored chalk. It doesn’t taste any different, but I can imagine it’s fruit or candy.” While danger exists for children suffering from Pica who eat lead paint, nails, or other dangerous non-nutritive substances, adults are generally more intelligent, and can choose what they eat with more discretion. “While someone suffering from Pica might decide to eat feces or drink urine, we do not recommend those for this diet,” said Gregory. “And, honestly, the body can handle only so many metal objects, so we tend to recommend items that are not completely socially unacceptable or dangerous. Wood, ice, or hair are better alternatives. These items are all-natural, and will not add an ounce of fat to your body!” Some in the food industry are crying foul over the new diet, saying people will suffer unknown problems as a result. However, a large percentage of the food industry also uses high fructose corn syrup in the food it markets, and that particular ingredient is widely seen as not only non-nutritive, but also as non-satisfying. While a person eating tree bark or shoe leather feels somewhat satisfied after a meal, someone eating (often fat-free) items filled with high fructose corn syrup will never feel full. Gregory said, “People become obese because corn syrup can’t fill them up. No matter how strange it may seem, dirt fills you up.” Unfortunately for the people who use the Pica diet, like most other diets, the menu tastes horrible. Therefore, people will likely wean themselves off of lead-free paint chips and fried starch, and go back to potato chips and fried chicken. Gregory suggests testing to see if an individual is ready for the Pica Diet, so go ahead and eat that TPS report sitting in front of you. if you can keep it down, you may just have found the replacement for that before-lunch candy bar.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006 4692
AP— Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin will join the bidding war to host the 2012 Summer Olympics next year, according to sources familiar with local village politics. The unlikely bid will come from Wisconsin’s Largest Village, which would also become the largest village ever to host the Olympics. Menomonee Falls officials welcome the challenge to out-bid cities such as Chicago, Baltimore, and Philadelphia. International challengers include Rio de Janeiro, Madrid, Moscow, and Rotterdam. When asked about the chances of a village hosting the Summer Games, one local official said, “Some of those cities aren’t even in the United States, and the ones in this country have much higher crime rates. Is Rotterdam in Switzerland?” The Village claims that its two swimming pools in the junior high and high school will be the centerpiece of the bid. “Name me one other village in Wisconsin with two indoor pools,” quipped an anonymous village resident. The track and tennis courts are said to be in “fine” condition, as well. Local schools will be turned into dormitories, and the high school has been slated to house the Eastern European teams because they would be “used to the conditions,” according to a source at the high school.

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