The Cobeus tribe of South America, living deep in the Amazon and feeding occasionally on their enemies, have issued a press release that they are not interesting in devouring baseball great Barry Bonds. This may seem shocking because Bonds has a lot of muscle, which is more nutritious that fat. However, the Cobeus people do not want their meals tainted with steroids and avoid human flesh that has been tainted in any way. In a Real Wisconsin News exclusive, we have discovered that the tribe keeps a bulletin board with photos of people who are allowed safe passage through their domain. Keith Richards and Lindsay Lohan are amongst the celebrities posted. While the mammary is said to be the best meat available on a human, Lohan’s recent transgressions have made her off-limits, just like Bonds.

President Bush stated in a recent interview that Iraq had “fumbled” the Saddam hanging and made Saddam’s execution look like a revenge killing when it carried out the sentence of the former dictator last month. The President said that it was “a home run for the Iraqi government to handle the trial of the clearly guilty Saddam in such an unbiased and swift method. But then, when it came to execute him, they muffed the snap and it looked like it was kind of a revenge killing.”